What Will America Be Like In 2045?
Not the Nine O’Clock News – Monty Pythons Worshipers
Some Funny Sayings
• Any law enacted with more than fifty words contains at least one loophole
• Evil is live spelled backwards
• When all else fails, read the instructions
• “Push” is the force exerted upon the door marked “Pull”
• What some people lack in intelligence, they make up in stupidity
• There is a difference between an open mind and a hole in the head
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
• OK…so what’s the speed of dark?
• I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
• Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
• Life isn’t like a box of chocolates….it’s more like a jar of jalapeno’s
• I’m on a mission to save the world (I can’t believe they trusted me with this).
• Mirror, mirror on the wall, what the @$#% happened!!!
How To Prevent Phone Theft
Mugger: Yo! Gimme your phone!
You: You sure? I use this thing on the toilet all the time. That’s kind a gross if you think about it.
I Wish I Could Say…
• “Kiss my arse.”
• “If you say that again I am going to stab you with a rusty knife.”
• “All I need is a kitten, a big glass of lemon iced tea, and a hatchet.”
• “Brain over brawn? But they have neither.”
• “My hair is better than yours.”
• “Did you just kiss me?”
• “Well you seem busy.”
• “Weird is an understatement. ”
• “If being clumsy was a currency, you’d be a bloody billionaire. ”
• “She is a little crazy. And by little, I mean a lot and by crazy, I mean psychotic.”
• “Please be quiet, I can’t even hear myself losing the will to live. ”
• “Take another step, and I can’t be held responsible for my actions.”
• “I would call you an imbecile but that’d be cruel as you wouldn’t be able to spell it.”
• “You interrupt my reading once more, and this book will become a lethal weapon.”
Sometimes Adults Are Just Stupid
When I was 8 I drew this comic about two girls kissing and my mom was outraged and I thought It was because my art wasn’t good enough, so I kept trying to draw girls kissing and she sent me to therapy and my therapist tried explaining homosexuality to me and I didn’t even know what that had to do with my art skills.
Sgt. Murphy’s Laws of Combat
1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don’t look conspicuous, it draws fire.
4. There is always a way.
5. The easy way is always mined.
6. Try to look unimportant, your enemies may be low on ammo.
7. Professionals are predictable, it’s the amateurs that are dangerous.
8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
a. When you’re ready.
b. When you’re not.
9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
10. If you can’t remember, the clamor is pointed at you.
11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
12. A sucking chest wound is nature’s way of telling you to slow down.
13. If your attack is going too well, you have walked into an ambush.
14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
15. Everything you do can get you shot, including doing nothing.
16. If it’s stupid and it works, it ain’t stupid.
17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
18. If you’re short of everything but the enemy, you’re in a combat zone.
19. When you have secured an area, don’t forget to tell the enemy.
20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
21. Friendly fire isn’t.
How Much Did She Pay You To Take Care Of Her Brat?
Mom: Thank you for babysitting on such a short notice… how did it go?
Sitter: To be honest, not well.
Mom: Oh? what happened
Sitter: Lily looked through my phone and found out I was dating someone, and started singing:
Gavin and Clarissa, sitting in a tree: K-I-S-S-I-N-G… first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes an abrupt, tragic miscarriage…
First comes blame, then comes despair, 2 hearts broken beyond repair. D-I-V-O-R-C-E
Mom: HAHA oh, you gotta love kids
Just How Drunk Are You?
Things That Are Difficult To Say When Drunk:
Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When Drunk:
4. Passive-aggressive disorder
Things That Are Downright Impossible To Say When Drunk:
l, Nope, no more booze for me!
2. Sorry, but you’re really my type.
3. Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke!
4. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and I’d hate to look like a fool!
5. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee on the side of the road.
6. I must be going now, as have work in the morning.
Where Did You Get All That Money?
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer. ”
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what is in the other bag?”
The old lady replies with a grin, “Well, not everybody pays.”
How To Answer A Blocked Number
Next time a blocked number calls because they ignored the Do Not Call List you answer like this:
“Jim‘s whore house. You got the dough. we got the hoe.”
“Nashville sperm bank, you squeeze it we freeze it. how may I help you?”
“Henderson’s Morgue, you stab am. we slab em, this is Eight Ball speaking.”
“Texas crematorium you kill ‘em we grill ‘em how can I direct your call?”
“Mr. Daum is happy to speak to you. His billing rate is $500 per hour. If you’ll give me your credit card number now, I’ll book a time slot just for you.”
“Oh, I thought you were my ride? Can you Uber a car for me?”
“I’m busy now, but I’m free around midnight. Can I have your home phone number so I can call you back?”
“I am planning to audition for The Voice next week. I’ve been practicing Sinatra’s “My Way.” Could you tell me what you think?”
“What are you wearing?”
“Wanna know what I’m wearing?”
“Can you please call back? I am on the other line with my proctologist and he is trying to explain to me why I am a perfect ass.”
“I am so glad you called. I just finished memorizing the Gettysburg Address. Can I try it out on you?”
“Nice to hear from you! I’m fundraising on behalf of ‘ Kanye for President.’ Can I count on you for a donation?
“My puppy has been doing the cutest things all morning. If you give me your cell number I’ll text you some pictures.”
“Hey, great timing. Can you settle an argument between my wife and me?”
“It’s so nice to hear a young voice. It’s been too quiet around here with my kid in juvie. Tell me about your day.”
“Can you belch the alphabet? I can. Here, check this out…”
“I just got an online certification in astrology. Tell me your birthday and I’ll give you your horoscope for today.”
“I just had a great session with my shrink and I’m dying to share this breakthrough I had.”
“Sure, I’ll listen to your pitch. But you’ve got to promise to try this cleanse I just finished.”
“Oh, I’m so glad you called! I just created a great new app for telemarketers and I’d love to sign you up now.”
“You’re the hundredth caller today. You win a special prize. Hold on for just 30 minutes and I’ll get it for you.”
“Oh thank god you called. There is a Nigerian prince who left me $10 million. I need to send a bank account # to collect. If you give me yours, we can split it.”
“Planters, which nut would you like to speak to?”
“Go ahead caller, you’re on the air.”
“Crazy clown circumcisions!”
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi!! Oh my gosh, it’s been forever! What’s the latest, fill me in!” Bob? BOB! I’ve got Pat here- I’ll put it on speaker- “So I guess you’ll want to know everything about the kids- Justin is out on parole finally, and let me tell you THAT was a shit show of epic proportions, but we’re moving forward and, oh! Sammy! Sammy got that tattoo, remember? The one with the horse penis? So I told her absolutely NO on the sleeveless wedding gown- if she wants to walk down the aisle looking like god knows what all, she’s doing it on her own dime, right Bob? Bob, get in here! So anyway, I just calmly told that girl I will not tolerate her so-called artistic sensibility in the house of the Lord, I mean, at least Justin tries to be respectful, am I right? Bob!! Hold on, let me get Bob, I know he’ll want to say hello.. Hello? Hello? HELLO??”
I Wish My Mom Was This Cool
Mom: I need to ask you something and I want you to be totally honest with me, it might be weird between us but it’s something I need to know. I have kept this in for too long and it’s about time I was strait up and just asked you about it. I hope doesn’t ruin our relationship I just need to I now and I can’t see any other way to get over this. It just doesn’t seem fair on me and I need an answer, so I want you to tell me truthfully no matter what the answer is I want your honest opinion….
Do you know the muffin man?
Daughter: There is a little known secret in our family that had been kept hidden away for generations, as if it was so shameful that to bring it to the light of day would be ruinous for us all, but because I love you more than life itself and have such strong faith in our ability to get past events and secrets that would destroy weaker families, I will share it with you now. I am the muffin man.