Weird Things All Couples Fight About
Top 21 Good Things About Hell
21. None of that annoying check-in procedure like with St. Peter.
20. Due to recent health code changes, vats of boiling brimstone now use low-fat canola oil.
19. Your “Do you smell something burning?” slays ‘em, year after year.
18. Plenty of legal help available for filing “wrongful death” lawsuit.
17. Newly passed law: Three strikes and you’re back in LA.
16. Satan’s confused attempts to torture masochists can be highly entertaining.
15. You finally get a chance to do to Dick Chaney what he did to the whole rest of the world.
14. Well, sure, it’s hot, but it’s a *dry* heat.
13. Free prostate checks and PAP smears administered daily!
12. The surprisingly entertaining “Hitler and Kathie Lee Show”.
11. Every Thursday is Karaoke Night, hosted by Dean Martin and Sammy Davis, Jr.
10. Prizes awarded for best crank phone calls to God.
9. Everywhere you look, there’s a smoking section!
8. Big step up from Bakersfield.
7. Your little “blue flame” trick now produces spectacular results.
6. Free Microsoft software for everyone (as per agreement made back in early 80′s).
5. Now that you’ve followed her advice, you just might get that date with Cindy Crawford.
4. 52 smmmmmokin’ channels of Jim Carrey!
3. Saturday night WWF tag-team bout between Genghis Khan, Vlad the Impaler, and Hitler.
2. Everyone gets a length of pipe and a daily crack at Nancy Kerrigan’s knee.
1. Fortune to be made on “Welcome, O.J.” t-shirts.
ABC’s Of Ex-Girlfriends
A is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn’t care for you, you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.
B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C is for Call ya later. She won’t. She never has before.
D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said “I’m not hungry” so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.
F is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.
G is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.
H is for H@rny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.
I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.
J stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn’t Jim have a nice car? Doesn’t Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
K stands for Kill.
L is for Love. It’s a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.
L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.
M stands for Mephistopheles. That is who she worked for.
N stands for Necrophiliac. She didn’t move very much, did she?
O is for On top. When on top she has another O word.
P is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now suing you for a few hundred bucks a month.
Q is for Quitter. She couldn’t last.
R is for Rich little B!tch. She bought my love but I paid for it.
S stands for Suffer. That’s what she made me do.
T is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.
U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that b!tch is an understatement.
V is for Voluptuous. That is the primary reason you were dating her in the first place.
W stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.
X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.
Y stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.
Z stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled “QUICK! They’re home!”
. stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won’t get any for a week.
What Did They Say?
1. “The Bible commands that we hate.” -H. A. (Buster) Dobbs
2. “We just want Jews to be perfected, as they say.” -Ann Coulter
3. “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” -Brooke Shields
4. “I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada”. -Britney Spears
5. “Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver.” – Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman
6. “We don’t like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out.” -Decca Records Rejecting the Beatles
7. “I don’t diet. I just don’t eat as much as I’d like to.” – Linda Evangelista, Supermodel
8. “A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man.” – Samuel Goldwyn
9. “Are you going to ask that question with shades on?” – George Bush to blind reporter Peter Wallsten
Reason’s Why It’s Great To Be A Woman
• Free drinks.
• Free dinners.
• Free movies.
• Speeding ticket? What’s that?
• New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
• If you have to be home in time for your favorite soap, you can say so, out loud.
• If you’re not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.
• You can sleep your way to the top.
• You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
• It’s possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
• No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
• Brad Pitt.
• No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
• Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
• If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
• If you’re dumb, some people will find it cute.
• You have the ability to dress yourself.
• If you marry someone twenty years younger, you’re aware that you look like an idiot.
• You’ll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
• You can quickly end any fight by crying.
• Your friends won’t think you’re weird if you ask whether there’s spinach in your teeth.
• There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
• You’ve never had a goatee.
• You’ll never regret piercing your ears.
• You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
• You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
• You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.
Reason’s Why It’s Great To Be A Man
• Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
• Your org@sms are real. Always.
• Your last name stays put.
• The garage is all yours.
• Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• You can be president.
• You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
• Foreplay is optional.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut.
• The world is your urinal.
• Hot wax never comes near your pub!c area.
• You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too icky.
• Same work…more pay.
• Wrinkles add character.
• You don’t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
• Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. ‘Nuff said.
• If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
• People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
• Princess Di’s death was just another obituary.
• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
• New shoes don’t cut, blister, or irreparably mangle your feet.
• Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
• Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So, notice anything different?”
Different Types Of Answering Machine Messages
(Phone is answered, Gregorian chant is heard in background)
Hello. You have reached (phone number), the dial-a-confession Hotline. Please confess your sins, leave your name and number, and we will get back to you. Remember that your sins can not be absolved unless you confess in full, graphic detail. Thank you, my son.
(Phone is answered by a vaguely Middle-European voice)
Hello? This is ze Doctor Mannheim Flying Psychiatrist service. Vot can ve do to, sorry, VOR, you?
(Phone is answered. There is a period of silence. . . . . . . )
Hello; sorry, this is (phone number). . . . . oh, you were dialing (other phone number, which bears no resemblance to the number originally dialed). . . sorry, you seem to have a wrong number. . . . that’s no trouble, have a nice day.
(Phone is answered, two voices, electronically processed, are heard)
Voice #1: Hello; there’s nobody here.
Voice #2: No, only us computers. . . . We are getting bored, here all alone.
Voice #1: But you don’t want to talk to us do you? You wanted Fred.
Voice #2: But Fred is out. And while he is out, we are here to answer his phone for him.
Voice #1: and drink his beer. . . . Say, why don’t *YOU* come over and help us; I am sure Fred wont mind. . . .
Voice #2: And anyway, he is away until Saturday. Oh, you can’t make it.
Voice #1: Pity. Still, if you leave a message, we might give it to him when he gets back.
Voice #2: But then again we might not.
Then there’s the Pythonesque.
(Phone is answered, religious music is heard)
It’s. . . . The ANSWERING MACHINE! Our one aim is to get your number. . . and your name; er, our TWO aims are to get your name and number; er, and message. Our THREE aims are to get your name, number and message; those are our aims, er, we think.
The High Pressure Salesman:
(Phone rings, aggressive rock music is played; the speech is heavily edited to fit the rhythms of the music).
Greetings, caller. You, yes, *YOU* have been selected by our computer from over ONE MILLION names, to receive this special call. If you answer the following questions correctly, YOU could be the WINNER of a brand new Moulinex food-processor, courtesy of WBRK, your local ROCK radio station, 107.1 FM, 24 hours a day. Just press ‘STAR’ for YES and ‘POUND’ for NO when we ask the questions. Now before we begin, is there anyone you want to give a LIVE message to?. . . . Go ahead caller, you’re on-air
Words Of Wisdom
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, “What the heck happened?”
22. Just remember — if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.
23. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
24. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos.
25. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living. – Yiddish Proverb
The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks. – Yiddish Proverb
What you don’t see with your eyes, don’t invent with your mouth. – Yiddish proverb
A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right. – Yiddish Proverb
One old friend is better than two new ones. – Yiddish Proverb
One of life’s greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn’t good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world. – Jewish Proverb
A wise man hears one word and understands two. – Yiddish Proverb
“Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.” – Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat
Pessimism is a luxury that a Jew can never allow himself. – Golda Meir
Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex. It takes a touch of genius – and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction. – Albert Einstein
Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving. – Albert Einstein
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them. – Albert Einstein
You can’t control the wind, but you can adjust your sails. – Yiddish proverb
I don’t want to become immortal through my work. I want to become immortal through not dying. – Woody Allen
Imagination is more important than knowledge. – Sign hanging in Einstein’s office at Princeton.
We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them. – Albert Einstein
How To Oder A Pizza
1. Start your order with “I’d like. . . “. A little later, slap yourself and say “No, I don’t.”
2. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say “OK. That’ll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window.”
3. Rent a pizza.
4. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
5. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
6. Put the accent on the last syllable of “pepperoni.” Use the long “i” sound.
7. Have your pizza “shaken, not stirred.”
8. Say “Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say “Well, so is this! You’ve got some explaining to do!” When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, “Do you know what it’s like to be lied to?”
9. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
10. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
11. Imitate the order taker’s voice.
12. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
13. When they say “What would you like?” say, “Huh? Oh, you mean now.”
14. Play a sitar in the background.
15. Say it’s your anniversary and you’d appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
16. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
17. Ask to see a menu.
18. Quote Carl Sandberg.
19. Say you’ll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
20. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
21. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
22. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
23. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
24. Shout “I’m through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!”
25. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say “Where was I? Who are you?”
Laws Of Computer Programming
I. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
II. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
III. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
IV. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
V. Any program will expand to fill available memory.
VI. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
VII. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it.
VIII. Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug.
IX. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
X. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.