George Carlin SHREDS Republicans
May The 4th Be With You
Han Solo showed up on Vader’s death star hours after Alderaan was destroyed. On his ship he carried: Vader’s son, Vader’s daughter, Vader’s astromech, the protocol droid Vader built as a kid, the wookie who saved Ahsoka’s life, and literal Obi-Wan Kenobi back from the dead.
Vader must have been very “who in the Mustafar was that fucker in the vest?!”
Then something like a day later he sneaks up on Vader (one of the greatest pilots the galaxy has seen) in what is essentially a heavily modified 18-wheeler and shoots him in the ass.
I’m just saying it’s a pretty big coincidence, don’t you think?
Children’s Books Not Recommended By The National Library Association
1. Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina.
2. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer.
3. Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales But Can’t
4. Ed Beckley’s Start a Real-Estate Empire with the change from your Mom’s Purse.
5. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy.
6. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will.
7. Let’s Draw Betty and Veronica Without Their Clothes On.
8. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead.
9. Dad’s New Wife Timothy
10. Pop! Goes The Hamster …And Other Great Microwave Games
11. Maybe Dick
12. The Boy Who Ate Spinach …And Lived To Tell About It
13. How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
14. Safe Sex And The Zip-Lock bag
15. Testing Home Made Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets
16. Egghead – And Other Things Mrs. Dumpty Gave Humpty
17. The Complete Set Of “Mother Got Goosed” Nursery Rhymes
18. Those Great Childhood Fragrances… Apple Pie, Cotton Candy And Bicycle Seats
Dear Redneck Son,
I’m writing this letter slow because I know you can’t read fast.
We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.
I won’t be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn’t have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since.
The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother….
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.
There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
Appearances Can Be Fun
“Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident?”
“Like a death at a birthday party, you ruin all the fun… Like a sucked and spat out smartie, you’re no use to anyone.”
“He has a face like a Saint – A Saint Bernard.”
“She loves ‘NATURE’ – In spite of what it did to her.”
“Who picks your clothes – Stevie Wonder?”
“When He comes into a room, the mice jump on chairs.”
“I don’t want you to turn the other cheek – it’s just as ugly.”
“Can I borrow your face for a few days? My ass is going on holiday.”
“See, that’s what’s meant by dark and handsome. When it’s dark, he’s handsome.”
“Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?”
“Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?”
“Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!”
“I’ve seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!”
Drugs & Circular Logic
Two men are in court on drug charges. The judge says, “If, over the weekend, you can persuade enough people to give up drugs, I’ll let you two off.”
Back in court on Monday, the judge asks for their results.
“I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever,” the first man says.
“That’s great,” the judge replies. “What did you tell them?”
“I drew two circles; one big, one small. I told them the big circle was their brain before drugs, and the little circle was their brain after drugs.”
The other defendant says, “I got 100 people to give up drugs!”
“One hundred! How?” asks the judge.
“Well, I drew the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, ‘This is your asshole before prison…’”
For Those Of Us Who Remember! And For Those Who Missed Out!
Hollywood Squares: These great questions and answers are from the days when ‘ Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course…
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps…One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I’m in hell!
Demon: It’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and Fresca… we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great!
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You know it!
Demon: All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer – no biggie- you’re already dead, remember?
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why, yes I do.
Demon: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever… If you go Bankrupt…well, you’re dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean?…
Demon: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want; you’re dead who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!
Demon: You gay?
Demon: “Ooooh, you’re gonna hate Fridays.”
Top Ten Tricks To Liven Up A Meeting
Fair Warning: We do not recommend you do any of these things!
Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the ‘real’ reason this meeting has been called.
Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.
During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.
Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.
Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.
Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.
Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.
When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, “Well, here’s the way I see it, J.B…” (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss’s.)
Complain loudly that your neighbor won’t stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.
Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fan-fold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say “uh-huh, uh-huh!”
Painful Break Up
A Marine was deployed overseas (yes this was before cellphones). While he was there, he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So, the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:
“I don’t remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back.” …He also sent it postage due.
Ways To Know If You Have Estrogen Issues
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You’re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: “How’s my driving-call 1- 800-”
6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from “outer space.”
8. You can’t believe they don’t make a tampon bigger than SuperPlus.
9. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.