Friday Fun Stuff – 12-12-14

Fake Ads In Movies

Fake Ads In Movies Are Way Better Than Real Ads

Pass The Salt

Groucho Marx Quotes

Q: How do you feel about women’s rights?
A: I like either side of them.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, mis-diagnosing it and then mis-applying the wrong remedies.

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends . . . may they never meet!

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

I sent the club a wire stating, “Please accept my resignation. I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.”

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here!

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

There is only one way to find out if a man is honest . . . ask him. If he says ‘yes’, you know he is crooked.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing . . . if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I’d horsewhip you if I had a horse.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

I’ve been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

There’s one thing I always wanted to do before I quit . . . retire!

You get a canoe later and I’ll paddle you.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Be An Organ Donor

Here’s one from the Emergency nurses association:

Be an organ donor . . . Unbuckle!

14 Awkward Moments Parents Experience At Kid Birthday Parties

1. You walk in to the party, hoping it’s a drop ‘n dash, only to realize that all of the parents are staying. You then have to pretend it wasn’t you who just yelled, “Oh, for f-cks sake, kill me now.”

2. You ask the hostess if there are any adult beverages to lessen your pain, haha, and she says, “No, we’re all Mormons.”

3. All of the kids at the party are running around playing except yours. Yours is on a bench reading a book. About serial killers.

4. You join a group of chatting moms who seem nice until you realize what they’re chatting about is government conspiracies.

5. One of the dads accidentally touches your butt in the bounce house, then you both have to pretend it never happened for the next hour.

6. An aunt hangs up “Pin the Tail on the Donkey,” only to realize she accidentally brought the “Pin the Penis on the Hunky” game from her bachelorette party. Nobody is amused but you.

7. When the birthday kid opens his presents, his younger sister throws an epic tantrum that everyone tries to ignore.

8. After 30 presents, the birthday kid finally opens yours, then he excitedly points out the orange clearance sticker from Target that you forgot to remove.

9. You ask the hostess if she bought a gluten-free cake because she’s trying to be trendy, ha ha, and she says, “No, we all have Celiac Disease.”

10. Your kid blows out the candles on the cake before the birthday boy does. His sister then throws another epic tantrum that everyone tries to ignore.

11. One of the government conspiracy moms puts a party hat on your kid, but accidentally snaps the elastic strap under his chin and makes him cry. You then tell her you’re going to report her to the CIA.

12. Just when you start to relax, thinking the party is almost over, thank goodness, the kids are given goodie bags. And inside the goodie bags—are whistles.

13. The party ends when the group that has the room booked next shows up and takes over. You ask the hostess of that party if there are any adult beverages to lessen your pain, haha, and she says, “Of course.”

14. You tell your kid he needs better friends, drink your beverage, then go find the dad who touched your butt in the bounce house.

Designated Decoy

One night a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone else left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”

Funny Signs

“We repair what your husband fixed.”

Pizza shop slogan:
“7 days without pizza makes one weak.”

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blow out.”

Door of a plastic surgeons office:
“Hello, can we pick your nose?”

Sign at the psychic’s hotline:
“Don’t call us, we’ll call you.”

At a laundry shop:
“How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?”

Billboard on the side of the road:
“Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.”

On an electricians truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”

In a non-smoking area:
“If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On maternity room door:
“Push, Push, Push.”

At an optometrists office
“If you don’t see what your looking for you’ve come to the right place.”

On a Butchers window:
“Let me meat your needs.”

On a fence:
“Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive.”

Outside a muffler shop:
“No appointment necessary, we hear you coming.”

Annual Neologism Contest

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Ways To Be Annoying

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”
3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip…”
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a “robot” voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will “swipe your grub”.
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark,17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog “Dog.”
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
16. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your “astronaut training.”
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for “violating your airspace”.
19. Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot.”
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Never break eye contact.
22. Construct elaborate “crop circles” in your front lawn.
23. Construct your own pretend “tricorder,” and “scan” people with it, announcing the results.
24. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
25. Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.

Corporate Employment Ad Translator

“Atmosphere, Agreeable”:
Silent cube people

“Atmosphere, Creative”:
Cube people from Hell

“Atmosphere, Dynamic”:
People who belong in cells, not cubes

“Atmosphere, Professional”:
Zombie cube people

“Atmosphere, Supportive”:
Zombie cube people from Hell

“B.A. required, Master’s preferred”:
Must have M.A. but willing to work for B.A. salary

“Ground floor”:
Company that’ll file for bankruptcy next year

“Position, Entry Level”:
Crummy job

“Position, Facilitator”:
Crummy job, but you get to crack the whip

“Position, Intermediate”:
Really crummy job

“Position, Special Assistant”:
Really Crummy job with a title

“Position, Utilization Manager”:
The Mother of all crummy jobs

Getting A Tooth Pulled

A man & wife entered a dentist’s office. The Wife said, “I want a tooth pulled. I don’t want gas or Novocain because I’m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.”

You’re a brave woman said the dentist. Now, Show me which tooth it is.

The wife turns to her husband and says, “Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.”

Dating Apps That Should Exist, If They Don’t Already

1. An app that sorts the people who listen to Christmas music before Thanksgiving from the people who wait.
2. A dating app that reveals exactly how many roommates someone is sharing their apartment with.
3. An app that sorts out all the people who sleep with socks on.
4. An app that matches you to people using your music playlists.
5. An app that shows you who those other people are in your match’s picture.
6. A dating app that determines if your texting styles will be compatible.
7. An app that flags people who think sending “K” is an acceptable response.
8. An app that lets you know how many of the books on their bookshelf they’ve actually read.
9. An app that flags people who are rude to waiters, cab drivers, and retail workers.
10. An app that displays their potentially racist or sexist tweets.
11. An app that warns you how many fries they’ll steal from you at dinner.
12. An app that tells you what someone’s favorite movie ACTUALLY is, since we all know you’re not watching Citizen Kane.
13. An app that organizes matches based on which The Voice coach they’d pick.
14. An app that says which of your friends they’ve already slept with.
15. An app that shows you what their parents look like (gotta see what you’re getting into).
16. An app that tells you how often they’re watching shows about serial killers.
17. An app that ensures your views on pubic hair match up with your match’s views on pubic hair.
18. An app that sorts out people who bite into their string cheese instead of peel it.
19. An app that sorts out people who don’t like pizza.
20. An app that tells you how often they speak with their mother.
21. An app that only shows you people who are truly and honestly over their ex.
22. An app that sorts out anyone who doesn’t love Harry Potter automatically.
23. An app that shows you the last 10 movies someone watched on Netflix.
24. A dating site that sorts out if your sleeping styles are compatible.
25. An app that lists their most recent search history.
26. An app that only shows you people who own dogs.
27. An app that tells you if your dog/cat will like (get along with) your match.
28. An app that tells you when you should leave a hookup’s apartment in the morning… or at night.
29. An app that reveals when their last relationship ended… and why.
30. An app that tells you which member of One Direction your match likes the most.
31. An app that filters people by types and frequency of selfies taken – please.

Breathalyzer Up Ahead
Breathaliser Up Ahead
Common Baby Give Us A Kiss!
Common Babby Give Us A Kiss
From The Management That Cares
From The Management That Cares
I Don’t Think Their Going To Fit
I Don't Think Their Goin To Fit
Just Hitchen A Ride!
Just Hitchen A Ride
Senior Hells Angels Citizen
Sinior Hells Angels Citizen
Who Needs ID?
Who Needs ID
Do They make You Play Catch Too?
Do They make You Play Catch Too
As You Can See Here The Moron Twins Raced To See Who Could Die From Lunge Cancer First
As You Can See Here The Moron Twins Raced To See Who Could Die From Lunge Cancer First
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Murder!
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Murder

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