Hyundai Assurance Commercial
The Carol Burnett Show – Dentist
You Might be a Redneck Jedi if . . .
• You ever heard the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”
• Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
• You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
• At least one wing of your X-Wing fighter is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
• You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
• The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
• Wookies are offended by your B.O.
• You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.
• You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
• Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over to the dark side…it’ll be a hoot.”
• You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
• You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
• You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
• You have the doors of your X-wing fighter welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
• Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
• You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
• You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
• You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
• If you hear . . . “Luke, I am your father … and your uncle …”
Software Upgrades Can Damage Your Wealth
Last year a friend of mine upgraded Girlfriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it’s a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources.
No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have since informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity.
He’s finding that some applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Beer Bash 2.5, and Pub Night 7.0 are no longer able to run, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 automatically installs undesired Plug-Ins such as Mother-In-law 55.8 and Brother-in-law Beta release. As a consequence, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features he’d like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0:-
1) A “Don’t remind me again” button.
2) Minimize button.
3) An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
Some people have decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 6.0. Even here, however, they found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 6.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which they should have been aware of. Apparently all versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port.
You would think they should have fixed such a stupid bug by now.
To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn’t work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.
Another annoying problem:
All versions of Girlfriend continually pop up annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0 – Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before executing a self-unin-stallation. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient system resources.
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.
PS: Most women prefer men with a large RAM and CACHE availability.
Confucius Said All That?
It’s ok to let a fool kiss you,
but don’t let a kiss fool you.
A kiss is just shopping upstairs
for downstairs merchandise.
It is better to lose a lover
than love a loser.
Man with a broken condom
is called a daddy.
Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax,
doesn’t know if he’s coming or going.
A drunken man’s words
are a sober man’s thoughts.
Marriage is like a bank account.
You put it in, you take it out,
and you lose interest.
Viagra is like Disneyland…
a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.
It is much better to want the mate you do not have
than to have the mate you do not want.
A joke is like sex.
Neither is any good if you don’t get it.
Examples Of Unclear Writing
(Sentences taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in Application for Support.)
1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
2. I am writing the welfare department to say my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?
3. Mrs. Jones had not have any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why.
5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
6. This is my eight child. What are you going to do about it.
7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can’t eat or drink until he knows.
8. I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
9. In answer to your letter, I have birth to a boy weighing ten pounds: I hope this is satisfactory.
10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children; one of which is a mistake as you can see.
11. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven’t had any relief since.
12. Unless I get my husband’s money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
13. You have changed my little boy into a girl. Will this make any difference.
14. I have no children as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.
15. In accordance with your instruction, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
16. I want money as quick as I can get, so I have been in bed with doctor for two weeks and he doesn’t do me any good. If things don’t improve I will have to send for another
17. Bill Smith worked for us for six months and when he left we were happy, we hope this help his caractor.
Never Force Children To Pray!
At dinner, a little boy was ordered to lead in prayer…
BOY: But I don’t know how to pray
DAD: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.
BOY: “Dear Lord” he started thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream.
Bless them so they won’t come again. Forgive our neighbor’s son, who removed my sister’s clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy’s computer and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom’s room when daddy is at work.
Only In America . . .
Only in America…can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance…
Only in America…are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink…
Only in America…do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke…
Only in America…do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters…
Only in America…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage…
Only in America…do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place…
Only in America…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight…
Only in America…do we use the word “politics” to describe the process so well: “Poli” in Latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning “blood-sucking creatures”…
(Winston Churchill loved them)
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Enjoy! You’re sure to find a favorite.
1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, Notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR’.
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said, “Rest in Peace.”
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new location.”
Stupid People Stories
WHERE CAN I GET A JOB LIKE THAT?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.
WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.
WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.
SOME DAYS, IT JUST DOESN’T PAY!
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month – a short in the homeowner’s newly installed fire prevention alarm system. “This is even worse than last year,” said the distraught homeowner, “when someone broke in and stole my new security system…”
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwiky Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
DO-IT-YOURSELF BRAIN SURGERY??
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot”, the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”
OUCH, THAT SMARTS!!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. “He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants,” said police spokesman Mike Carey. Police have the man’s charred trousers in custody.
ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No, you idiot!” the man shouted, “This is her husband!”
NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
An Encounter With The Butcher
The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts. A man intended to stock up. At the store, however, he was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so he complained to the butcher lady.
“Don’t worry,” she said, “I’ll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping.”
Several aisles later, he heard the lady butcher’s voice boom over the public-address system: “Will the gentleman who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store.”