Friday Fun Stuff – 2-2-24

Everyone Loves Dad

Dean Martin & Tim Conway – The Oldest Man (Diner)

Alphabet For Seniors

A’s for arthritis.
B’S for bad back,
C’s for chest pains, perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which we’d rather not mention.
H is for high blood pressure;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won’t mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for lots of love
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don’t grow!
P’s for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus, bells in my ears!
U is for urinary, troubles with flow,
V for vertigo, that’s ‘dizzy,’ you know.
W for worry, now what’s going ’round?
X is for X ray and what might be found.
Y for another year I’m left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have – in my mind!

Damn Vegans

A woman with a salad walked past me in the restaurant and said you know a cow died so you could eat that beefburger.

I said if you weren’t eating its food it might have lived.

Family Tree Of Vincent Van Gogh

His dizzy aunt……………………………………Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes ……………….Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store …Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ……………..U Gogh
His magician uncle……………………….Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin …………………A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin’s American half-brother …….Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach …………..Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ………………………..Can’t Gogh
The ballroom dancing ……………………….aunt Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ……………………….Flamin Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking …………….Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ……………………….Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ………………………Go Gogh
The brother with low back pain …………………Lum Bay Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV……..Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling……………….there ya Gogh

Daughter’s Text To Dad

Daddy, I’m coming home to get married soon, so get your checkbook ready.
LOL! As you know, I’m in Australia and he’s in the US. We met on a dating site, became friends on Facebook, and had long chats on WhatsApp. He proposed to me on Skype and now we’ve had a 2 month relationship through Viber. Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding. Lots of love, Lilly.

Dad’s reply:
My dear Lilly, Like Wow! Really? Cool! Whatever… I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, register for your stuff on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay. Lots of love, Dad.

One Of These Is A Lot Easier

How To Please A Woman:
Love her
Die for her
Take her to dinner
Miss the game for her
Buy her jewelry
Be interested in what she has to say.

How To Please A Man:
Show up naked.
Bring Beer.

Don’t Wash Your Hair In The Shower

(It’s so good to get a Warning that is useful)

It involves the shampoo, when it runs down your body when you shower with it.
A warning to us all!!!

I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner!
I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning.

“For Extra Body And Volume”

No wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well, I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish washing soap instead.

It’s label reads, “Dissolves Fat That Is Otherwise Difficult To Remove.”

Problem solved!
If I don’t answer the phone I’ll be in the shower!!!

Wedding One-liners by the Famous

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. (Rita Rudner)

Keep your eyes wide open before the wedding, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. (Socrates)

A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended. (Evan Esar)

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. (Milton Berle)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, ‘There’s water in the carburettor’. I said, ‘Where’s the car?’ She said, ‘In the lake’. (Henny Youngman)

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. (Rita Rudner)

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)Wedding Toasts

All marriages are mixed marriages. (Chantal Saperstein)

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage, and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again. (Clint Eastwood)

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)

Just Put It In My Coffin

A very rich man was on his death bed and called together his three trusted advisors, his priest, his doctor, and his attorney.

He told them that he knew he could take his wealth with him when he died. To prove it, he gave each one $500,000 in cash and told them to put it in an envelope and place it in his coffin at his funeral.

After the funeral the three of them went out for a drink and started to talk about the strange request their friend made.

The priest said that he knew that he could not take with him and the church needed a new roof. He said, “I got the roof repaired and had $100,000 left and that was the amount he put in the envelope.”

The doctor said that he also knew that his friend could not take it with him and said, “the children’s hospital needed $450,000 to finish building the new wing so I only had $50,000 dollars, and left the that amount in the envelope. My friend will never know and think about all the good that the hospital will do.”

The attorney said, “I am ashamed of both of you. You violated the trust that our friend placed in us. I put in a check for the full amount.”

What Is The Best Joke About Engineers That Very Few People Have Heard?

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers build targets.

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”
Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”
The last said, “Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic
waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”
“The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

One from our beloved Scott Adams
Normal people don’t understand this concept; they believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.
- The Dilbert Principle (1996)

Where Have You Been?

I’ve been to a lot of places,
but I’ve never been in Cahoots.

Apparently you can’t go alone,
you have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I’ve also never been in Cognito, either.
I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however been in Sane.
They don’t have an airport,
you have to be driven there.

I have made several trips.

I Miss The 70′s