Emmy Moment: Tim Conway and Harvey Korman
Hey, This Wasn’t That Long Ago
How to get into college in 1980: Get good grades
How to get into college in 2020: Get good grades, speak six languages, be a rocket scientist, and end world hunger
How to pay for college 1980: Work part time and summers. Maybe take out minimal loans.
How to pay for college 2020: Which of your organs is the most valuable?
What to do with your degree in 1980: Work in your field
What to do with your degree in 2020: Cry
Religious People Really Don’t Have A Sense Of Humor
One time my super religious aunt came to visit and gave me a blessed cross since I’m an atheist and she thinks she can convert me.
I picked it up and immediately dropped it screaming, “IT BURNS! IT BURNS US!”
She was super pissed off at me and my dad came in to see what the commotion was, picked up the cross and did THE EXACT SAME THING!
My aunt doesn’t visit anymore.
My Friends Bucket List…Well He Was
• Look thru a window and when someone is on the other side shout, “OH M GOD I’M HIDEOUS!”
• Walk up to a small child that resembles you and tell them you are them from the future.
• Go to McDonalds and ask for a Happy meal with Extra Happy
• Go to a pet store and buy bird seed. Then ask how long will it take for the birds to grow.
• Bring a drink on a elevator. When people get on, ask if they have an appointment.
• Buy an ice cream, ask the cashier if they believe in unicorns then squish the cone on your head.
• Go up to random people at a mall, show them your id, and say, “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN!?”
• Take a stuffed animal to the vet.
• Make “No Dumping – Violators Will Be Prosecuted” signs and put them in public bathroom stalls.
• Ring a random door bell and when they answer just stare at them.
• Walk into See World with a fishing pole
• Walk into a group of people chatting and casually say, “Are we going to kill him or what?”
• In small store shout, “Hey Pervert!” and count hoe many turn around
• Vacuum the lawn. When people walk or drive by, you get the best looks
• Bring an extra pair of to do a pool dive and let them float up, watch everybody stare.
• Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go”
• Go to a fast food restaurant and order a diet burger.
• Yell “I’m Naked” in a busy area (people look).
• Put a post-it note in every mailbox down your street the says, “I know where you live!”
• Go into a crowded elevator and say, “I bet your all wondering why I gathered you here today”.
So How Did Your Grandparents Meet?
Everyone’s grandparents seem to have really cute stories of how they met.
But my grandparents met when my grandma was running away from police during a protest and she jumped on the back of my grandads motorcycle and just screamed, “DRIVE FUCKING DRIVE”
If A Creep Wants Your Number
A series of fake numbers to leave behind:
1-888-447-5594 – Easter egg number for finishing God Of War, contains a dramatic speech. Personal favorite.
605-475-6968 – Rejection hotline, politely explains that whoever gave you this number turned ya down. buddy
888-276-6760 – The 24-hour Klu Klux Klan line where you can get a FREE INFORMATION BOOKLET!””
866-740-4531 – Only responds with “I am Groot”
206-569-5829 – Seattle radio station “Loser Line”. If they leave a weird voicemail. it could get broadcast over the airwaves.
515-808-2362 – JOHN CENA complete with air horns and his theme song
What Would Shakespeare Think
Shakespeare would seriously laugh so hard if he found out how seriously people take his works. Like, he would probably cry from laughing so hard if you told him that his plays were considered high-brow literature.
“It’s all dick jokes and sword fights,” he’d say, “do they seriously tell my dick jokes to schoolchildren? And the kids aren’t allowed to laugh? Do the teachers know they’re telling dick jokes? Oh my god that’s fucking hilarious. Wait until I tell Anne.”
I Present The Formula For Creating Excellent / Strange Insults
Adjective + Curse Word + Noun
• No one asked for your opinion, you abominable shit goblin!
• I fail to understand how you’ve become such a reprehensible fuck waffle!
• Get out of my way, you sorry excuse for an intolerable ass pastry!
• I cannot believe that such an illiterate twat truck could ever be remotely polite!
• Maybe if you weren’t such a troublesome goddamn elbow, we could get some things done around here!
Who Says Women Are Tough Enough To Play
Earlier today I went to my daughters high school soccer game, and there was a rough play where two players went to the ground. I guess one of them pulled the others hair so she gets up and says “l liked it better when your boyfriend pulled my hair”.
Not even the ref knew what to do.
Things Overheard In College Dorms
• “That’s the fourth time this week you’ve brought Cannibalizing me. Should I be worried?”
• “So needless to say she peed on me.”
• “Wow, this Heineken has such a smooth finish!”
• “Do you think I can fit an entire orange in my mouth?”
• “If I hear someone sing Hamilton in the shower again I’m joining them their shower so l can drown them.”
• “Someone just gave me a free cake. Should I be worried?”
• “How did they manage to get that in BOTH shower stalls!?”
• “How much caffeine is poisonous? Asking for myself, I’m actually worried.”
• Faintly as though yelled from in a roan down the hall, “Can you come hand me my Swiss rolls? My head spins if I sit up.”
• “Well you See, Marxism is actually” *anguished yelling from multiple people*
• “Why is Ross sitting in a box in the hallway with a sweater vest draped over his head?” “Stress”
• “What’s the difference between an undergraduate research assistant and a random nosy 19 year old?” • “Less than you’d think!”
• “Let Bob Ross caress your happy little struggles away”
• “He talks like he thinks the world is waiting with bated breath to hear what he thinks about Fight Club.”
• *screaming in harmony with a vacuum*
Today at work a creepy dude asked me “what’s your secret to staying so slim and perky?”
I responded “I’m a thousand year old witch & every morning I bathe in the blood of men I’ve sacrificed”
And an old lady nearby laughed so hard she cried; pretty sure this makes us an official coven.