Realistic Superhero Funeral
If McDonald’s Advertised Like Apple
What The Teacher Says And What The Teacher Means
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
(He was caught cheating on a test).
2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can’t stay seated for five minutes).
3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
(He’s definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).
4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don’t intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn’t done one assignment all term).
5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).
6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).
7. Your daughter’s greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).
8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He’s a bully).
9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
(Your son was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).
10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She’s so immature that we’ve run out of diapers).
11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner’s Guide).
12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year’s repetition of her learning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).
13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
(A mouth that never stops yacking).
The clerk asked me, “Cash, check or charge?” after ringing up my purchase.
As I fumbled through my wallet, she noticed a remote control for a television set in my purse.
“Do you always carry your TV remote?” she asked.
“No,” I replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him!”
Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out…
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing – which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as “marketing without a degree”, you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with “customers” so you can “concentrate on the big picture”. You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOGEEK: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying, but who the heck can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest “ergodynamic” gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your “carpal tunnel”…
ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a letter!
MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/ DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/ “TEAM LEADS”: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Middle Managers”, as everyone in your social circle is a “Middle Manager”.
SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision, you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Senior Managers”, as everyone in your social circle is a “Senior Manager”.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play “Customer Service”. Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
Children & Parents
• Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. (David Frost)
• Any astronomer can predict with absolute accuracy just where every star in the universe will be at 11.30 tonight. He can make no such prediction about his teenage daughter. (James T. Adams)
• Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. (Jim Bishop)
• Children really brighten up a household – they never turn the lights off. (Ralph Bus)
• There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus. (Bob Phillips)
• I never met a kid I liked. (W.C. Fields)
• Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad. (W.C. Fields)
• Children nowadays are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers. (Socrates)
• I like children – fried. (W.C. Fields)
• Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can’t make head nor tail out of it. (Groucho Marx)
• Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was ‘shut up.’ (Joe Namath)
• There are three ways to get something done; do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it. (Mona Crane)
• When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he’d learned in seven years. (Anonymous, often erroneously attributed to Mark Twain)
Car Stereo Ratings
We’ve all seen good and bad examples of car stereos. Now you have our new ranking system to best describe them. Even if you’re not into the car stereo ’scene’, you can still tell the difference between guys riding around with a try hard sound system and one that is flat out bodacious.
Our ranking system is based on star ratings from 5 stars being truly an awesome event which you will never forget, to 1 star, something bad enough you wish you could forget. In a way you may find it amusing but in the end they are in fact quite descriptive and you can use them with friends so they know exactly what you’re talking about when describing someone’s car stereo.
1 STAR – Desperation on Wheels
Wow that chick jogging past me has her earphones up loud – I can almost make out the song pla… Hold on a second, that isn’t her, that’s the shitty 80’s something hatchback parked across from me with some doofus driver that’s dressed like he’s out of a B rated version of Boyz N The Hood.
Characteristics: Those 4 full range factory speakers are being pushed way past their limit, crackling and popping more than a bowl of Rice Krispies. You could get better musical fidelity out of a megaphone at a track and field event. Look for the hanging pine air freshener and a heavily faded Garfield doll suction cupped to the back window.
2 STARS – Tincan Man
Hahaha, what’s that sound? Oh shit! Its right beside me! I could probably spit louder (and hopefully hit their car). Sounds like the car beside me has it up “pretty loud” (cough cough)… Maybe I should warn him about the possibility of hearing loss, he must be pushing, ohh, 85dB!!! Hahaha!
Characteristics: Usually a level up from a stock system, with a “power booster EQ” under the glove box. Full volume, you’re witnessing popping sounds and distortion like the music is being played through a sand pipe! Look for the KENWOOD sticker on the back window. Even better, look for an ALPINE sticker and then see if the car actually HAS any ALPINE gear in it hahaha.
3 STARS – The Juvenile Committee
What is that? Surely that’s not another car going by playing “Another Night” by Real McCoy? Shit, it is! An awful lot of crappy treble coming out of that car. Ahhh that’s because its got a row of… FOUR 6×9’s on the back shelf!?!?! As the car goes by you can see the LOUD light glowing on the tape deck. But that’s funny, there isn’t any bass… I could have sworn there was a bass line in that song? Why does that guy have his head hanging out the window looking for people to notice the car? I only did accidentally. Also notice the absurd collection of stuff hanging off the rear view mirror, how dire!
Characteristics: No bass, an abundance of treble, not a terrible amount of distortion but this is only because they got the volume one notch below total catastrophic melt down.
4 STARS – Rolling Disco
Someone’s out with their sound system turned up and windows down! But where? Ohhh, I heard it from that far? Geez, if my ears are in pain, what about that guy in the back seat scratching on the windows trying to get out! The power cable running from the battery to the amps is probably thicker than my leg!
Characteristics: Bass notes are pronounced and hard hitting, but aren’t knocking you over. Treble is reallllyyy loud which seems to be trying to make up for the muddy mids? Hmmmmm. Watch for the Knight Rider alarm light blinking back and forth on the dash!
5 STARS – The Earthquake Epicenter
WHAT is that sound? An earth quake? Horrendous storm? The arrival of God? You drop to your knees and pray in anticipation of God’s arrival, only to realize that the colossal amount of sound waves relentlessly pounding your body are in fact someone’s car! Oh my! Struggling to stand back up, you brush the dust off your knees, experiencing severe disorientation and an unsettling combination of nausea and being on the fringe of an orgasm. It is hard to tell how badly your ears are bleeding because your vision is so blurred from the bass lines. But the bits of ear drum in your hands are an indicator things aren’t good. Wonder if the guy in the car is human?
Characteristics: This car is a mandatory head turner that will have a special place in your heart for your remaining days alive. The car’s subwoofers give you a pressure sensation in your chest only equaled by the astounding levels of spine tingling treble. Basically a live concert for everyone within several city blocks.
I have had two vanity plates: EZ2NJOY for my low rider truck, MY2ND65 FOR My current Corvette.
Meaning: I see inside you ….. a radiologist’s plate
Meaning: See Why I’m broke …. found on a cherry 95 Ford 3/4 ton truck
Meaning: A woman in her early 50′s has had this plate for about the
last ten years
Meaning: On the car of an undertaker
Meaning: “Wonderful” (On a Ford Mustang. Get it? Foal as in baby horse)
Meaning: on a Volvo, what else?
Meaning: 9 Miles Per Gallon, Wow! On a 1966 Cadillac Sedan DeVille
Meaning: Aviatrix (female pilot)
Meaning: (Que) Pasa MD [What's up Doc?]
Meaning: On a Lincoln super-long limo owned by Super Limousine,
Meaning: Waitin’ for Friday…join the club!
Meaning: Windows 95 …. On a customized 95 Chevy Astro Van
Meaning: Exquisite … on a ’56 speedster
Meaning: See me go by you!
Meaning: See me for a date
Meaning: See me for decay …. on a dentist’s car
The idea is to score the most points. Your attempts need to be verified by another co-worker. See how many points you can score in one 8 hour shift.
One point gags:
• Run one lap around the office at top speed.
• Ignore the first five people who say “Good Morning” to you.
• Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say “Just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye.”
• To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
• Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say “Sorry, I really prefer it this way.”
• In the middle of a meeting, suddenly shout out “Yahtzee!”
• Walk sideways to the photocopier.
• While riding the elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
Three point gags:
• Say to your boss, “I like your style” and shoot him/her with double-barreled fingers.
• Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask “Did you get all that? I don’t want to have to repeat it.”
• Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
• Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a ‘non-player’ within sight).
• Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
Five point gags:
• At the end of a meeting suggest that for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (2 extra points f you actually break into song) (5 extra points if you start singing another nation’s anthem).
• Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch off and on 10 times.
• For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as ‘Bob’.
• Announce to everyone in a meeting that you really have to do “number two”.
• After every sentence, say ‘mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in “The report is on your desk, mon.” Keep this up for an hour.
• While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
• In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter “Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!”
• At lunch time get down on your knees and announce “As God is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again!”
• In a colleagues diary, write in 10:00 am.: “See how I look in tights.”
• Carry your keyboard over to a colleague and ask “You wanna trade?”
• Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
• While talking to a colleague, pick your nose.
• Come into work wearing army fatigues and when asked why, say “I can’t talk about it.”
• Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
• Hang a 2 foot piece of toilet paper from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised (or perfectly calm) when someone points it out.
• Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, say, “Not now,” and walk away.
Facts Of Life
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that’s more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I’m still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home…… maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
(“Honey, I’m home. What the….?!”)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes… lucky pig… can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing….)
A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
Computer Problem Report Form
1. Describe your problem: ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately: ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________
4. Problem Severity: A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__
5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Strange Smell__
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse? Yes__
10. Have you had “a friend” who “Knows all about computers” try to fix it for you? Yes__ No__
11. Did they make it even worse? Yes__
12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
13. Are you sure you’ve read the manual? Maybe__ No__
14. Are you absolutely certain you’ve read the manual? No__
15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
16. If ‘Yes’ then explain why you can’t fix the problem yourself. __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________
17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred? __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________
l8. If you answered ‘nothing’ then explain why you were logged in? __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________
l9. Are you sure you aren’t imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What’s a VCR?__
21. Do you have a copy of ‘PCs for Dummies’? Yes__ No__
22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__
23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes__ No__
24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__
25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__
26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet__
27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes__
Answers To 5 Of The Toughest Questions Women Ask . . .
There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in Sassy Magazine … women ask them anyway.
The Five Questions are:
“What are you thinking?”
“Do you love me?”
“Do I look fat?”
“Do you think she’s prettier than me?”
“What would you do if I died?”
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say honestly.
1. What are you thinking?
The proper answer to this question, of course is, “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.” Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
How fat you are
How much prettier she is than you
How he would spend the insurance money if you died According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, who said, “If I wanted you to know, I’d be talking instead of thinking.
2. Do you love me?
The correct answer to this question is “Yes”. For those who feel they need to be more elaborate, you may answer “Yes, dear.”
I suppose so.
Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
That depends on what you mean by “love”.
Does it matter?
I’m sorry, were you talking to me?
3. Do I look fat?
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, “No, of course not” and then quickly leave the room.
Wrong answers include:
I wouldn’t call you fat, but I wouldn’t call you thin either.
Compared to what?
A little extra weight looks good on you.
I’ve seen fatter.
Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4. Do you think she’s prettier than me?
The “she” in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by your were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is. “No, you are much prettier.”
Wrong answers include:
Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
I don’t know how one goes about rating such things.
Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
Only in the sense that she’s younger and thinner.
Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5. What would you do if I died?
Correct answer: “Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would of course hurl myself under the tiers of the first Domino’s Pizza truck that came my way.” This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
“Dear,” said the wife, “what would you do if I died?”
“Why, dear, I would be extremely upset.” said hubby “Why do you ask such a question?”
“Would you remarry?” persisted the wife.
“No, of course not, dear” said the husband.
“Don’t you like being married?” said the wife.
“Of course I do dear” he said.
“Then why wouldn’t you remarry?” she asked.
“Alright,” said the husband, “I’d remarry.”
“You would?” said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
“Yes” said the husband.
“Would you sleep with her in our bed?” said the wife after a long pause.
“Well, yes, I suppose I would.” replied the husband.
“I see,” said the wife indignantly. “and would you let her wear my old clothes?”
“I suppose, if she wanted to” said the husband.
“Really,” said the wife icily, “and would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?”
“Yes, I think that would be the correct thing to do.”
“Is that so?” said the wife, leaping to her feet. “and I suppose you’d let her play with my golf clubs, too.”
“Of course not, dear,” said the husband. “She’s left handed.”