Funny Siri Commercial Parody: Husband and Wife Argument
Quotes From George Carlin
No one ever says, “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.
If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
What’s all this stuff about motivation? I say, if you need motivation, you probably need more than motivation. You probably need chemical intervention or brain surgery. Actually, if you ask me, this country could do with a little less motivation. The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me.
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
I like Florida. Everything is in the 80′s. The temperatures, the ages, and the IQ’s.
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.
If a man smiles all the time he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman’s personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her. She’ll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine – (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years…Alzheimer’s and term limits be damned.
Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is…
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk…and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.
If you plan to attend Sharon’s luncheon, please let me know your selection by Tuesday, June 7 ($10/person). The choices are:
- Broiled Sole Fillets: lightly seasoned or stuffed and served with rice pilaf
- Popcorn Shrimp: bite sized breaded shrimp served with a baked potato
- Grilled Chicken Breast: marinated boneless chicken breast served with rice pilaf
- Chicken Fresco: baked chicken tenderloins & vegetables all in a light garlic & parmesan cheese sauce, served over linguini with fresh broccoli
Thank you for arranging this luncheon for Sharon. I’m having difficulty deciding what to order, but I have several points to be addressed first:
What about us carnivores? I want meat!!! Red, raw meat and lots of it. I want them to lead it in on a rope and I want it to “moo” when I bite into it. I don’t want anybody I know to see me eating “rice pilaf” or “chicken Fresco“.
In fact, I don’t want anybody who knows anybody I know to see me eating anything with stupid names like that. I want a dignified American meal of steak and potatoes, served with flagons of blood-red wine.
I want Hungarian red wine, with a picture of a fierce bull on the label. I want to think about Eastern Europeans making this wine, for slave wages. I want the whole bottle. I want several. I want it served on a white tablecloth and I want the tablecloths to be so soiled when we’re done that it can’t even be used for rags.
I want a meal to remember, in the midst of drunken, bawdy company. I want to tell off-color jokes and I want everyone to laugh until they cry. I want to read the poem that I wrote especially for this occasion.
I want the women to discover that the man they’ve smiled and mumbled at, as they passed him in the halls for years, is an accomplished acrobat and an expert tennis player. Let them find out he really doesn’t have to work at all, being a millionaire. And that he dreams about them every night.
I want the personnel office to be inundated with hundreds of sexual harassment complaints filed equally by both men and women.
I want some careers launched and others destroyed. I want hearts won and hearts broken. I want the vice president to finally discover that no one really gives a damn what he thinks on any subject.
I want dozens of people to fail to return to work for several days afterward. I want to see at least a dozen disciplinary memos sent down from the vice president’s office in the wake of all this. I want 5 day suspensions without pay falling down from the administrator’s office like rain.
I want the restaurant to refuse to serve anyone from the company for the next two years.
I want to generate tons of gossip. I want full media coverage with lots of individual interviews.
I want public outrage. I want the police department to promise a full and thorough investigation. I want lots of arrests, and dozens of civil suits.
I want this luncheon to divide time into a before and an after from that day onward. We will all mark time and events from this date from now on. For example: “I got my divorce a month after Sharon’s luncheon.”
I want everyone so plastered they cannot tell the difference between fantasy and reality.
Despite her acute embarrassment at all this, I want Sharon to change her mind and not get married after all.
All of that is what I really want. And…I just know you’re going to tell me I can’t have any of it. (SIGH)
So…I guess I’ll get back to ya with my food order in a bit.
You Just Might Be A Graduate Student If…
• you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate
• your carrel is better decorated than your apartment
• You know what a “carrel” is
• you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read
• you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar
• you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop
• everything reminds you of something in your discipline
• you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event
• you spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper
• there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider “yours”
• you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche
• you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library
• you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin
• you consider all papers to be works in progress
• professors don’t really care when you turn in work anymore
• you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text
• you reflexively analyze Greek letters then realize it’s a sorority sweatshirt
• you find yourself explaining to children that you are in “20th grade”
Tweets About 69 That’ll Make You Laugh Like You’re In Middle School
I was alive on April 20th 1969 and that’s why I will always be cooler than you.
Judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
My lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
If you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
I got in trouble at work for writing “nice” next to every 69 and had to cross them out
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
If I had a dollar for every time I unnecessarily sexualized a sentence I’d have 69 dollars.
Imagine if dogs didn’t just do doggy style. They 69d and did dog missionary and sometimes choked each other etc. That would be adorable.
Most people think 4th base is the last base but if u rub Doritos on a girls boobs that’s 5th base. 14th base is 69′ing in a volcano
Blink 182 – Maroon 5 + 69 + 420 = 666
The doctor reveals my blood pressure is 420 over 69. I hoot & holler outta the building while a bunch of losers try to tell me that I’m dying
Son, I’m thinking of a num… “69″ *dad starts flailing his arms* SEE, HONEY, HE’S A GOD DAMN WIZARD
I once had 69 points after five frames of bowling and deliberately guttered the rest, but please, tell me more about my “commitment issues.”
Whiskey and Worms
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. ”
Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. “Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.
Scott, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms”
Things You’d Love To Say But Don’t
1) I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
2) I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3) How about never? Is never good for you?
4) I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5) I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6) I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7) I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8) I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9) It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
10) Ahhh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11) I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12) You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13) I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn.
14) I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16) Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17) The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19) What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20) I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21) It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23) And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
24) Do I look like a people person?
25) This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26) I started out with nothing & still have most of it left!
27) Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28) If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29) Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30) Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed it.
31) I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
32) A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33) Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
34) Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
35) How do I set a laser printer to stun?
36) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
37) File that under “Never”.
Universal Programmer’s Translator
“A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED”:
We are still clueless as to what’s wrong
“EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH”:
We just hired three kids fresh out of college
“CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION”:
We know who to blame
“MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH”:
It works only so so, but looks very hi-tech
“CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED”:
We’re so far behind schedule, the customer will be happy just to get it delivered
“PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE”:
The damn thing keeps crashing the entire system
“TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING”:
We’re surprised that the stupid thing works at all
“THE ENTIRE CONCEPT MAY HAVE TO BE ABANDONED:”
The only person who understood the thing quit
“FURTHER RELEASES MAY BE NECESSARY”:
There’s an awful lot of stuff that just doesn’t work
“WE ARE MAKING HEADWAY”:
It’s so wrapped up in bad code, the situation is just about hopeless
“THIS IS DEFINITELY A WORK IN PROGRESS”:
We’re gonna milk this baby all we can
“WE WILL LOOK INTO IT”:
Forget it! We have enough problems for now
“PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL”:
Let’s spread the responsibility for this turkey
“GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING”:
As long as it doesn’t screw up what we’ve got done
“SEE ME AND WE’LL DISCUSS THIS”:
Come to my office, I’m lonely. No one ever visits
“ALL NEW AND IMPROVED BEYOND EXPECTATIONS”:
This will not work with any previous version at all
“AFTER YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT”:
Thank God! The latest one finally worked
It’s Tough Being A Guy
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it’s exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it’s favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.
If you cry, you’re a wimp.
If you don’t, you’re insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination.
If she asks you, it’s a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain.
If you don’t, you’re a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you’re after something.
If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.
If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re an egotist.
If you’re not, you’re not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she’s tired.
If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty at the Office, But Aren’t:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop.
8. Put it in my box before I leave.
7. If I have to lick one more, I’ll gag!!.
6. I want it on my desk, NOW.
5. HMMMMMMMMMM…..I think it’s out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It’s an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you’ll be getting off today?
1. It’s not fair…I do all the work while he just sits there.