Friday Fun Stuff – 8-22-25

Lucy Tries To Make A Loaf Of Bread

Mom News Reporter

25 Ways To Annoy The Pizza Guy

1. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
2. Ask for extra homo-sapien
3. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
4. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
5. Ask them if you get a free date with one of the staff if you make an order over $30.
6. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
7. Ask if they’re familiar with the term “spanking a pizza.” Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
8. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
9. Order a one-inch pizza.
10. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
11. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
12. Ask them to not put a band-aid on it this time or you will sue.
13. Change your accent every three seconds.
14. Dance all around the word “pizza.” Avoid saying it at all costs. If he says it, say, “Please don’t mention that word.”
15. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
16. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
17. Imitate the order taker’s voice.
18. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.
19. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
20. Order two toppings, then say, “No, they’ll start fighting.”
21. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say “crazy bread.”
22. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
24. When they repeat your order, say, “Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.”
25. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”

HUSBAND WANTED!

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70′s).
MUST NOT BEAT ME.
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ME.
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.

The old woman said, “You’re not really asking me to consider look at you, you have no legs!”

The old man smiled, “Therefore I cannot run around on you!”

She snorted. “You don’t have any hands either.”

Again, the old man smiled, “Nor can I beat you!”

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently, “Are you still good in bed?”

With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, “I rang the doorbell, didnt I?”

Assigning Employees to Departments

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting or Sales.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are jittery and crazed from 2 hours without an internet connection, Computer Information Systems is their home.
If the room has a sweaty odor, put them in Help Desk.
If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, send them to Purchasing.
If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rain forests, Public Relations would suit them well.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.
If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

She Hasn’t Got The Guts

My wife said if I don’t get off the internet right now she’s going to come over and smash my face into the keyboard.

I laughed and said “I’d like to se.;,lm;, l,; ;,lmadsc;l,xc k, sca,;lasxc.;,c #’.;cxvc, lmxz;,lm x/.;x zc ,kxmk;lnlp,zx ;,.x.c,

Checklist: Could You Be A Vampire?

1. Does your dentist run like hell when he sees you coming?
2. Do people remark on your exceptionally smooth pale skin?
3. Do you get a sunburn in direct sunlight in 15 minutes or less without 45SPF sunscreen?
4. Do you suffer from deep-rooted depression, and look to the vampire as a symbol of strength in darkness, which has suppressed the child you once were?
5. Have you ever staged a hold-up at a blood drive?
6. Do you go to horror movies to see if you know anyone?
7. Has blood ever clotted in your throat?
8. Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?
9. Have your children/grandchildren/greatgrandchildren already…passed away?
10. Are you continually annoyed by all the awful rumors that declare that you don’t exist?
11. Is your favorite pickup line “What blood type are you?”
14. Do you even bother with pickup lines?
15. Do you tend to suck the peanut butter out of your Reese’s peanut butter cups?
16. Have you visited Transylvania more than 20 times in the past century?
17. When people point a gun at you and say, “Eat hot lead!” do you find it goes straight through you?
18. When you were young, were you always hoping that “The Count” on Sesame Street would kill those annoying kids?
19. Did Anne Rice write to you for advice when writing her novels?
20. Are you constantly having a bad hair day because you cannot see yourself in the mirror?
21. Does your mother repeatedly ask you what all the dead bodies are doing in your closet?
22. Do you hate tomatoes (because they’re so red, ripe and rich, and filled with….water)?
23. Did it take you twenty years to learn how to turn a computer on?
24. Have you ever traded recipes with Jeffrey Dahmer or Hannibal Lecter?
25. Do you find this test an utter waste of time because you already KNOW you’re a vampire??

Sometimes Experiments Just Need To Be Set Up Differently

University Of New York – Psych class, practical session.

The professor puts a male rat in a cage – smack in the middle.

On one side: a slice of cake.
On the other side: a female rat.

The male rat runs straight for the cake and devours it.

Next round, the professor swaps the cake for bread – same result. The rat ignores the female every time and heads for the snacks.

The Professor says, “This proves food is the strongest attraction.”

Then a voice from the back says…

“Sir, maybe try changing the female rat. That one might be his wife!”

The professor looked up at the student, and smiled…

“You Sir just got an A.”

Kids’ Kitchen Terms

BOIL: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic “Yuck” before a food is even tasted.
CASSEROLE: Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.
DESSERT: The reason for eating a meal.
EVAPORATE: Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash dishes.
FRUIT: A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.
REFRIGERATOR: A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.
SODA POP: Shake ‘N Spray.
TABLE LEG: Percussion instrument.

This Man’s Wife Wouldn’t Let Him Go With His Friends. Then He Does This.

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years.

A few days before the group’s annual departure date, John’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. John’s fishing buddies are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do?

Two days later the three get to the camping site to find John sitting there with his tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, drinking a cold beer.

“Heck John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?”

“Well, I’ve been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my recliner when my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes, and asked, ‘Guess who?’” I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into the bedroom, where she’d lit candles and put rose petals all over the place. Well, she’s been reading ’50 Shades of Grey’

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, ‘Do whatever you want.’

So, boys, here I am!

Top 10 Rejected New Fall TV Shows

10. Trading Infections – People with various diseases rub open wounds on each other. Whoever survives, wins.
9. Red Green’s Anatomy – Red Green gets naked and explores his anatomy.
8. America’s Next Top Kiss Ass – The best brown-nosers vie for a mediocre job.
7. Law and Order: Special Ed Unit – Mentally challenged adults try to solve crimes, but instead get frustrated and bang their heads on tables.
6. L3tt3rs – An English professor uses his knowledge of grammar and Shakespeare to solve crimes in Omaha.
5. Extreme Makeover: Whore Edition – NYC prostitutes get makeovers then star on the next season of The Bachelor.
4. Lost: Sahara – Ten survivors of a Saharan plane crash slowly die of hunger and dehydration.
3. CSI: Akron – Crime scene investigators solve their toughest cases yet in this glitzy and glamorous city.
2. Deal, No Deal, or Sex with the Woman Holding the Briefcase – What will these men do? Will they take the money and run, or will they take their chances with the hotties holding the case.
1. America’s Fattest Losers – Stand up comedians poke fun at fatties until they cry. The comedian who gets them to cry first wins.

Your Going To Have To Be More Specific

My wife was watching a Hallmark movie and said I want a man that takes my breath away.

So I farted.

Apparently that’s not what she meant, because she got up and left the room.

I can’t win

Will That Work? No But It Will Be Funny