Real Housewives Of ISIS
HE’S IN LOVE (and we’re all gonna die)
Crazy Things To Do In An Elevator
• Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
• Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
• Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut UP!”
• Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.
• Sell Girl Scout cookies.
• On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
• Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”
• Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
• Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
• When at your floor, strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
• Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”
• Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
• One word: Flatulence!
• Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I’ve got new socks on!”
• When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!”
• Meow occasionally.
• Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
• Frown and mutter “Gotta go…Gotta go…” then sigh and say “Oops!”
• Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
• Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.
• Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
• Walk on with a cooler that says “Human Head” on the side.
Meaning Of… ‘Potentially’ And ‘Realistically’
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, “Dad, what is the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?”
The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.”
So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
The mother replied, “Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!”
The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
The girl replied, “Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?”
The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
“Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?”
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?”
The boy replied, “Yes, ‘Potentially’, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but ‘realistically’, we’re living with two hookers and a future congressman.”
Fun Things To Do In A Courtroom
1. Dress up like Santa Claus
2. Drink all of your lawyer’s water, then ask for more. Then ask to go to the bathroom.
3. Hiccup every time somebody says the word “the”
4. Change your plea every five minutes
5. If you’re the judge, call the defendant the plaintiff, the plaintiff a lawyer, the witness a juror, and the jurors defendants. Call the lawyers “Barney”
6. Gurgle into the microphone.
7. Complain aloud about that nasty wedgie you have, then take a poll of others in the audience if they too have a nasty wedgie.
8. If in traffic court, when asked to stand, walk over to the judge and issue him a parking ticket on his desk.
9. When asked to produce evidence, pick your nose, smear the snot on the table, point to it and say, “From this it is obvious, I am not guilty!”
10. Wear those X-Ray vision glasses from Halloween, when someone walks past, stare them up and down then shake head in dismay.
11. Popcorn and a large coke, if anyone asks about it, show them your ticket and say “I’m a paying customer!”.
12. Fart, pause momentarily, and comment under your breath, “I’ve done better…”
13. Fart again later on, take a deep breath and state enthusiastically “Now that’s more like it!”.
14. Bring a Lego replica of the courtroom, including Lego people, and imitate everything happening, including voices!
15. When pronounced guilty, reply “How about we try that again, this time Rock, Scissors, Paper – best of three!”
16. Bring toaster and wave a box of “Tropical Sprinkles Pop Tarts” around while asking “Where’s a damn plug around here!”.
Missing Wife Report
A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver’s door…. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.
More Hilarious Jokes
The view of a female cleavage reduces the concentration of a male by 50% (per breast).
You’re really sucked up.
I ate you.
You’re a stupid grass mole.
Having an argument in the times of auto correct.
Woman #1: Do you have any idea who I am?!
Woman #2: No…?
Woman #1: I’m his wife!
Woman #2: Well do you have any idea who I am?!
Woman #1: No…?
Woman #2: Excellent. *Leaves*
A child’s observation: If a mother laughs at dad’s jokes, we have guests.
My boss told me yesterday, “Don’t dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want”.
But when I turned up at the office today in Ghostbusters gear, the bastard said I was fired.
That awkward moment when your entire Math class is discussing whether the result is 15 or 16 and your answer is -1053.
I played our wedding video backwards yesterday. It really cheered me up to see how I take the ring off my wife’s finger, get out of the church and go drinking with my best friends.
Driving a sports car and sticking to the speed limit is like going to McDonalds’ and having just the salad.
Dolphins are highly intelligent animals. American scientists proved that after only a brief time in captivity, they are able to train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and toss them bits of fish.
Web site log in: Sorry, your password 257EeffQ@# is not secure enough.
Cash machine login 1234: Here’s your 1000 dollars.
Wow you look great! Did you lose weight?”
“Hey – did you just call me ugly and fat in retrospect?!”
How to kill a male walrus?
Point to his chest and say, “You’ve got something there!”
They threw me out of the cinema today for bringing my own food. But come on – the prices are way too high, plus I haven’t had a barbecue in months.
True Meaning Of Male Statements
Statement: “I’m a Romantic.”
True Meaning: “I’m poor.”
Statement: “You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about.”
True Meaning: “You are the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.”
Statement: “I really want to get to know you better.”
True Meaning: “So I can tell my friends about it.”
Statement: “She’s kinda cute.”
True Meaning: “I wouldn’t kick her out of bed but a pillow over the
head might be necessary.”
Statement: “I don’t know if I like her.”
True Meaning: “She won’t sleep with me.”
Statement: “Was it good for you?”
True Meaning: “I’m insecure about my manhood.”
Statement: “I had a wonderful time last night.”
True Meaning: “Who are you?”
Statement: “Do you love me?”
True Meaning: “I’ve done something stupid and you might find out.”
Statement: “Do you ‘really’ love me?”
True Meaning: “I’ve done something stupid and you’re going to find
out sooner or later.”
Statement: “How much do you love me?”
True Meaning: “I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on
their way to tell you by now.”
Statement: “I have something to tell you.”
True Meaning: “Get tested.”
Statement: “I’ve been thinking a lot.”
True Meaning: “You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.”
Statement: “I think we should just be friends.”
True Meaning: “You’re ugly.”
Statement: “I’ve learned a lot from you.”
True Meaning: “Next!!!!”
You Know You Are In The Desert When…
1. You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
2. You can make instant sun tea.
3. You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
4. The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
5. You discover that in August, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
6. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
7. Hot water now comes out of both taps.
8. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”
And you thought your finals were tough
Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time Limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.
Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.
3) PUBLICS PEAKING
Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
6) GENERAL PSYCHOLOGY
Based on your degree of knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Rameses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluations with quotations from each man’s work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
7) APPLIED PSYCHOLOGY
Employing principles from the major schools of psychoanalytic thought, successfully subject yourself to analysis. Make appropriate personality changes, bill yourself and fill out all medical insurance forms. Now do the same to the person seated to your left.
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
9) MANAGEMENT SCIENCE
Define management. Define science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Assuming an1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm; design the communications interface and all necessary control programs.
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel is appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you’re gay. If you’re a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you’re a grown man, they’re pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.
New Rule: There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge asshole.
New Rule: I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper? plastic? I don’t have time for that. I’ve just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They’re already doing that. It’s called “The Howard Stern Show.”
New Rule: I don’t need a bigger mega M&M. If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms, I’ll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the middle class version of looting.
New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can’t even tell if he’s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know in months. “27 Months.” “He’s two,” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t care in the first place.
TAKING A WOMAN TO BED
What is the difference between girls/women aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?
You take her to bed and tell her a story
You tell her a story and take her to bed
You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed
She tells you a story and takes you to bed
She tells you a story to avoid going to bed
You stay in bed to avoid her story
If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story
What story? What bed? Who the hell are you?