Friday Fun Stuff – 8-9-24

Bob Newhart “Dial A…” 1969


When Things Weren’t So Politically Correct – Al Bundy’s Best Insults

If any of this offends you just remember you won’t see it on TV ever again.


How Cats And Teenagers Are The Same

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

5. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy — a sense of complete and utter boredom.

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone’s furniture.

10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.


Betty Crocker Dead At 88

Rich But No Longer Moist

Was Successful Marketer Despite Inability to Think Outside of the Box

(AP) – Kitchen icon Betty Croker failed to rise this morning. She was 88. She was the go-to gal for one-box sensations that sated hungry husbands everywhere. Croker was a good cook too. In her will she asked to be mixed with 2 eggs and 1/2 cup oil, then mixed for 3 minutes on high speed, spread evenly, topped with walnuts, and cremated at 1350 degrees for 45 minutes.


Laws of Work

If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

Anything anyone can do badly will be done worse.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.


Cat Diary

Day 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Day 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair . . . must try this on their bed.

Day 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

Day 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was . . . Hmmm. Not working according to plan . . .

Day 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foaming chemical called “shampoo”. What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Day 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer”. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies”. Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time . . .


You Know It’s Time To Reassess Your Relationship With Your Computer When…

1. You wake up at 4 o’clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com
7. You can’t correspond with your mother because she doesn’t have a computer.
8. When your email box shows “no new messages” and you feel really depressed.
9. You don’t know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen names and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you Landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don’t laugh, you just say “LOL, LOL”
13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!


Stress Diet

This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.

Breakfast
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast – dry
8 oz skim milk

Lunch
4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Afternoon Snack
Rest of the Oreos in the package
2 pints of Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce nuts, cherries, whipped cream

Dinner
2 loaves garlic bread with cheese large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
4 cans or 1 large pitcher of beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers candy bars

Late Evening News
Entire frozen cheesecake eaten directly from freezer


Questions For Retirees

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call exercise, concentration and work?
Answer: Golf.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answers: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What’s a Retirees idea of a perfect retirement?
Answer: When the wife still brings in a paycheck!

Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Share this one with all the retirees that you know. I’m sure they can relate, AND

… if you have not yet retired, look what you have to look forward to!!!


Caveman Tech Support

The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:

This fire help. Me Groog

Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.

You have flint and stone?

Ugh

You hit them together?

Ugh

What happen?

Fire not work

(sigh) Make spark?

No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.

*sigh* You change rock?

I change nothing

You sure?

Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn’t keep Lorto from make fire, right?


Things to Say at a Job Interview

See photo of interviewer’s family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.

Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; “Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.”

Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: “The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don’t ya’ think?”

Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.

Claim you wouldn’t even need a sit-in’ job if Al Einstein hadn’t stolen your secret patent for- ’2000 Flushes’

Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.

Ask if it’s O.K. that you sit on the floor.

Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.

Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you’re not leaving.

Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn’t feel like making anything else up.

Ask secretary if she’ll sit on your lap during interview.

Walk into interviewers office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; “NOW we can begin.”

When making small talk and the Simpson trial comes up, shout; You mean Homer and Marge are in some kind of trouble?” run out of room.

Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; “smell these, these smell funny to you???”

Upon walking in to the office for first time ask reception to hold all your calls.


The Brunette And The Genie

A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it, and you guessed it, a genie appears.

The genie says, “You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much.”

The woman says, “Okay. Give me a nice house.”

The genie replies, “You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two.”

Then the lady says, “Give me a gorgeous man.”

The genie replies, “You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two.”

The lady says, “For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it.”


Genius
Genius
 
What Part Of The Dingle Did This Come From?
What Part Of The Dingle Did This Come From
 
Can I Get This On Amazon?
Can I Get This On Amazon
 
Then Why Do You Need The Sign?
Then Why Do You Need The Sign
 
We’ve All Been There Grover
We've All Been There Grover
 
Please Tell Me This Is A Joke
Please Tell Me This Is A Joke
 
I Thought That’s What It Meant To
I Thought That's What It Ment To
 
The Blow Up Version Keeps Mommy Company
The Blow Up Version Keeps Mommy Company
 
Ok, Now I Don’t Feel So Bad
Ok, Now I Don't Feel So Bad
 
They Showed Us The Difference Between Entertain And Offend
They Showed Us The Difference Between Entertain And Offend

Leave a Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Upload Files

Send Me Joke Suggestions