Friday Fun Stuff – 3-9-18

KATNISS vs HERMIONE: Princess Rap Battle

A Cat’s Guide To Taking Care Of Your Human

Things To Remember During A War

1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.
2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.
4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.
5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.
6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.
7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.
8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.
9. You are not Tom Cruise.
10. SAM’s and AAA have the right-of-way.
11. If you aren’t sure, the SAM’s are pointed at you.
12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.
13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.
14. Smart bombs have bad days too.
15. The best defense is to stay out of range.
16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.

F My Life

Today, in class, I was sitting behind this very beautiful girl who I like a lot. The teacher said something and I made a joke about it, which made the girl I like and the class laugh. The girl then turned around and said to me, “Chris, you would be the coolest kid if you were hot.” FML

Today, my friends approached me and accused me of being anorexic cause I’ve dropped a lot of weight lately. I swore to them that I wasn’t anorexic. They jokingly asked “Do you have cancer or something?” All I could do was stare at my feet. That wasn’t exactly how I wanted them to find out. FML

Today, I was serving a table full of drunk people. They used the candles on the table to set the table on fire. Noticing this I ran to it and poured a pitcher of water on it. Then other tables complained saying I caused a disturbance. I got fired for putting out a fire. FML

Today, I went over to surprise my girlfriend of two years with flowers and dinner at her apartment. After I knocked, a handsome young man answered the door. Thinking I had the wrong apartment, I apologized only to hear my girlfriend’s voice call from the background: “Baby, who’s there?” FML

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his college and when I walked into the dorm he was lying in his bed with another girl. When he saw me he simply said, “April Fool’s!” It’s March 19th. FML

Today, I told my mom I am bulimic and have been for a few years and that I need help. She responded by saying “Well that’s clearly not working for you. Why don’t you try anorexia.” She then patted me on my head, smiled, and walked away. FML

Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon. FML

Today, I came back from a hike to see my trailer rocking, as well as some strange but obvious noises coming from it. I went camping alone. Two strangers were in my camper having sex. FML

Today, a girl-scout asked me to buy cookies, in front of supermarket. She looked nice, so I bought 5 boxes from her. She took the money and went home with her mom. I opened the boxes when I got home and realized that the boxes just had rocks in them. I got scammed by a girl-scout. FML

Today, my fiancé’s parents visited. I keep chickens for their eggs, and his parents own a farm, so we had a connection. They told us to leave the house while they cooked us dinner. When we returned, we faced two steaming plates of chicken. My chickens. I’m a vegetarian. They had names. FML

Today, I had to break the news to my husband that I had miscarried our first child. To which he replied, “Thank God” and told me he wanted a divorce. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I were planning to have dinner plans at 6. I called her at 6:09 asking where she was (I was at the restaurant waiting) and she said “I’m at McDonalds with Jessica call u later?” I then had to get my waiter to tell him to remove the ring from the dessert so I could go home. FML

Today, it’s my birthday. I have gotten three calls all day. The first one was my fiancé, saying he wanted his ring back. The second one was my best friend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with my fiancé for the past three months. The third was the dentist’s office singing me happy birthday. FML

Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I’d ever had. The trouble was, it wasn’t about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML

Actual Science Tests Answers

These are reputedly real answers to questions on science tests.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.

When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

For fainting: Rub the person’s chest, or, if it’s a lady, rub her arm above the hand. Or put her head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.

Equator: a menagerie lion running around Earth through Africa.

Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is so that there is something to hitch the meat to.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

The body consists of three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain. The borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five – A, E, I, O, and U.

Oldies But Goodies – And Then The Fight Started

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
asked, ‘What’s on TV?’

I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started…
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive… so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started…
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’

And then the fight started…
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”

“Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started…
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And then the fight started…..
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started….
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started…..
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy crap. That must be my husband!’

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’

The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’

And then the fight started…..
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’

My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’

And then the fight started …
I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.

So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”

And that’s when the fight started….
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”

“No,” she answered.

I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying” Yes.”

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started….

Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Than Women

• Dogs love it when your buddies visit.
• The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
• Dogs never worry about germs.
• Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
• Dogs like it when you leave things on the floor.
• Dogs parents never visit.
• Dogs have no use for jewelry, flowers and expensive gifts.
• Dogs don’t notice if you forget their birthday.
• Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
• A dog’s disposition remains the same all month long.
• Dogs forgive you for playing with other dogs.
• Dogs never keep you waiting. They’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
• Dogs won’t borrow your shirts.
• Dogs don’t care if you give away their offspring.
• Anyone can get a good-looking dog.

Yes It Is Possible To Think Too Much

1. Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
2. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
3. If you can’t drink and drive, why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
4. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
5. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
6. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
7. If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
8. If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
9. Why is it called a TV “set” when you only get one?
10. Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
11. Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
12. Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

Conversation About A Haircut

Women’s version:
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh – that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms – see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men’s version:
Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

How To Be Politically Correct When Talking About Men

He does not have a beer gut…
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.(regular guys)

He is not quiet…
He is a Conversational Minimalist.

He is not stupid…
He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.

He does not get lost all the time…
He discovers Alternative Destinations.

He is not balding…
He is in Follicle Regression.

He is not a cradle robber…
He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.

He does not get falling-down drunk…
He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

He is not short…
He is Anatomically Compact.

He does not have a rich daddy…
He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.

He does not constantly talk about cars…
He has a Vehicular Addiction.

He does not have a hot body…
He is Physically Combustible.

He is not unsophisticated…
He is Socially Challenged.

He does not eat like a pig…
He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.

He is not a bad dancer…
He is Overly Caucasian.

He does not hog the blankets…
He is Thermally Unappreciative.

He is not a male chauvinist pig…
He has Swine Empathy.

He is not afraid of commitment…
He is Monogamously Challenged.

Realistic Marriage Vows You Didn’t Think To Make At Your Wedding

1. “I promise to tell you I don’t care where we go out to eat, yet when you choose the restaurant, it will always be the wrong one.”

2. “I vow to not lose my shit when you seriously think that’s how to load a dishwasher.”

3. “Do you promise to love and cherish him, even when he can never find his keys?”

4. “I vow to never complain about the noises you make in the bathroom every morning as long as you vow never to complain about my hair in the drain.”

5. “I will never fart under the covers before you climb into bed.”

6. “I vow to always hate the same people on ‘House Hunters’ as you do.”

7. “I promise to listen to that one story from college that you’ve told 100 times, and still laugh.”

8. “I promise that every time I go shopping I will hide half of my purchases in the back of my closet.”

9. “I promise to never think about or even attempt to wash your clothes or put them in the dryer.”

10. “Do you promise to cherish this woman and let her adjust the thermostat to whatever temperature suits her mood and outfit ’til death do you part?”

11. “Do you promise to love and cherish her, even when she turns into a complete monster because she’s hangry?”

12. “I promise to never abandon you in order to sit on the toilet for 45 minutes or until the shape of the toilet seat is permanently tattooed on my ass just to get a break from the kids.”

13. “I promise to let you look for your lost stuff for hours and hours and then find it for you within 30 seconds.”

14. “I promise to call and confirm that you really don’t want anything from the store.”

15. “I will always tell you if I’m falling asleep during a movie so you don’t watch 45 minutes of it before realizing it and then have to rewind and rewatch the same parts all over again.”

16. “My commitment to you is that I will never leave my food wrappers on the counter inches away from the trash bin.”

17. “I promise to always complain about the way you squeeze the toothpaste.”

18. “I promise to keep the house full of wine, especially after we have kids.”

19. “I promise to warn you that there are nachos on the bed before you sit down.”

20. “I promise not to ever think about or touch the decorative towels hanging up.”

21. “Our wedding vows should have included a limit to the amount of shampoo bottles in our shower.”

22. “I vow to walk through life with you side by side, always together as we scroll on our phones.”

23. “I promise to throw away my old mix tapes if I don’t listen to them for more than 10 years.”

24. “I vow to always breathe the other way in bed.”

25. “I promise not to move anything on the counter that isn’t mine.”

26. “In sickness and in health, but I’m going to need a note from a doctor first because you’re a hypochondriac.”

27. “I promise not to get a mohawk without telling you beforehand.”

28. “I promise never to make you hold my purse.”

The last one I actually remembered to put in our vows

Be The Life Of The Party At Your Local Bowling Alley

1. Every time you throw exclaim “TAKE THAT, YOU!!!” continue this behavior until forcefully thrown out.
2. When ever a strike “X” appears on the screen, start yelling about how this is a Black Panther conspiracy.
3. Explain to the owner how your game has been ruined due to Plate Tectonics then loose him in lingo. Demand compensation.
4. Bring lighter fluid, light the pins on fire.
5. Wear golf shoes.
6. Pray to the pins, leave sacrifices.
7. Dress up like an Amish man. Give speeches to others against the high technology used in bowling.
8. Play bocce with extra lane balls
9. Try to juggle the balls, when you drop them, start screaming about Plate Tectonics again
10. Every ten minutes run the entire length of the building beating your own head and speaking in tongues, then sit down as if nothing happened.
11. Bring full angling gear, ask how the fish are biting.
12. Completely cover your ball in duct tape (sticky side out) then loudly complain about how your hook is off.
13. Hide behind the pins. Stick your head up, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.
14. Use a Curling Weight instead of a ball, bring a full team of sweepers.
15. Throw refuse down the ball return, tell the owner the trash compactor is busted.
16. Make your presence known by arranging pentagrams out of candles on every lane except yours.
17. Root for the other team- Bring Banners.
18. Make fun of your team- Bring Rotten Tomatoes.
19. Tell the rival team captain that you just met his “little girl” walk away mumbling “how bad things happen”
20. Bring a foghorn, use at crucial moments

It Was The Cat I Tell Ya, I’ve Been Framed!
It Was The Cat I Tell Ya, I've Been Framed!
You Forgot The Wrench Again Didn’t You?
You Forgot The Wrench Again Didn't You
Redneck Stretch Limo
Redneck Stretch Limo
Sounds Like A Good Cause, Sure I’ll Give You A Couple Of Bucks
Sounds Like A Good Cause, Sure I'll Give You A Couple Of Bucks
Why Didn’t I See This Billboard Before I Got Married?
Why Didn't I See This Bilboard Before I Got Married
To Hell With The Plane, Where Are They Selling Gas That Cheap?
To Hell With The Plane, Where Are They Selling Gas That Cheap!
Good Because One Day You Won’t
Good Because One Day You Won't
And It’s All Down Hill From Here
And It's All Down Hill From Here
Hey It Was Your Idea What Did You Expect?
Hey It Was Your Idea What Did You Expect
Now I Know Why Gay Means Happy!
Now I Know Why Gay Means Happy!

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