Girl Stuff – Jokes – Misc

Barbie’s I'd Like To See
Administrative Barbie:
Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Ken’s salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole, despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini-laptop. Pull the string on her back and she’ll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-organization, a move, and order airline tickets for Director Ken.

America’s Most Wanted Barbie:
She’s on the run after 30 years of crime against feminism.

Bite-The-Bullet Barbie:
An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.

Blue Collar Barbie:
Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier’s aprons may be purchased separately for Barbie’s who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.

Divorced Barbie:
Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats for her ex’s new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on her left hand ring finger).

Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman:
This helpful doll offers other homesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use out on the Plains and how to take care of their nails while shoeing a horse.

Ecology Barbie:
Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.

Home Girl Barbie:
Barbie in a midriff-baring shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says things like “I don’t think so” “Dang, get outta my face” and “You go, girl” Teaches girls not to take any crap from men and/or condescending people.

Melrose Place Barbie:
Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment, where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets, and an arrest warrant.

Murder, Barbie Wrote:
Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set (she’s 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously disappear.

My So-Called Barbie:
She faces the same troubling issues as regular teens who don’t have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools, ponies and national recognition.

Oprah Barbie:
Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks! Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class is, Ballerina Barbie’s struggle with bulimia, and Kens who wear Barbie’s clothes.

Robotic Barbie:
Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over, she says “You too can walk thru life in a stupor. Damn these spike heels anyway!”

Roseanne Barbie:
The dark side of the American dream is explored with this doll, which shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high school, married too young and ate too much. While this Barbie can indeed spout mouthfuls at a time, she cannot sing.

Temp Barbie:
This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she’ll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini-resume, and mini-filing cabinet filled with the past five-years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be collated.

Twelve-Step Barbie:
Pull the string on her back and she says, “Hi, I’m Barbie and I’m an alcoholic.” Comes with a “One Day At A Time” bumper sticker, a 30-day chip, and a pack of smokes.

Voluptuous Barbie:
A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, Bucket o’ Fried Chicken, tiny Entenmann’s walnut ring, a brick of Sealtest ice cream, three packs of potato chips, a t-shirt reading “Only the Weak Don’t Eat” and, of course, an appetite.
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For Everyone I Know That Drives Alone!
I had a flat tire on I-90 yesterday;
so I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my trunk.
I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn’t believe it!

Just as I had hoped, cars started slowing down looking at the men which made it much safer for me to work on the side of the road.

People honked and waved, and it wasn’t long before a police car pulled up behind me.

He wanted to know what the heck I was doing so I calmly explained that I was changing my flat.

He told me he could see that, but demanded to know what the heck my cardboard men were doing standing at the rear of my car.

I couldn’t believe he didn’t know! So I told him…

Well, I explained to the angry Policeman…

They’re my Emergency Flashers!!!!

Emergency Flashers

I go to court in September.

(Darn Police. No sense of humor.)
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Martha Stewart And Reality
MARTHA STEWART: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant “fix-me-up.”
REAL WOMEN: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too damn bad. Please recite with me The Real Women’s motto: “I made it and you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes.”

MARTHA STEWART: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
REAL WOMEN: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?

MARTHA STEWART: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
REAL WOMEN: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

MARTHA STEWART: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
REAL WOMEN: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

MARTHA STEWART: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
REAL WOMEN: Go to the bakery.

MARTHA STEWART: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
REAL WOMEN: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

And finally the most important tip -
MARTHA STEWART: Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
REAL WOMEN: Leftover wine???
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Reply to Anti-Fur Activists
Here’s a good comeback for when someone comes up to you and complains about you wearing a fur coat:

“Do you know how many animals had to die so you could wear that coat?”

“Do you know how many animals I had to fuck so I could wear this coat?”

Or try this:

“You know a cow was murdered for that leather jacket?”

You reply, staring deeply at them and speaking in a psychotic tone, “I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too.”
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Prison Vs. Housewives
In prison, you get three square meals a day.
At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.

In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.
At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can’t sleep without his latest lego creation.

In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even.
At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.

In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.
At home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.

In prison, all your medical care is free.
At home, you have to pawn your mother’s silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.

In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.
At home, you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.

In prison, you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day.
At home, you get to clean your space and everyone else’s space, too, and what the heck is free time again?

In prison, you get your own personal toilet.
At home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you’re done so you can do something for them.

In prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.
At home, you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else’s, and get yelled at because somebody’s favorite shirt isn’t clean.

In prison, they take you everywhere you need to go.
At home, you take everybody else where they need to go.

In prison, the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing.
At home, you have to lug around everybody else’s stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.

In prison, there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn’t.

At home….stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?
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How To Lie To The Bathroom Scale
1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner.
Weigh yourself again in the morning, before breakfast, without clothes.
It’s nice to see how much weight you’ve lost overnight.

2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.

3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don’t forget the earrings; these things can weigh at least a pound.

4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off . . . to your advantage.

5. Always go to the bathroom first.

6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.

7. Weigh yourself after a haircut; this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).

8. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale. You don’t want to weigh all the extra air do you?

9. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it’s worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you’d stepped on normally
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Female Stages Of Life
17 – Wine Coolers
25 – White wine
35 – Red wine
48 – Dom Perignon
66 – Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

17 – Need to wash my hair
25 – Need to wash and condition my hair
35 – Need to color my hair
48 – Need to have Francois color my hair
66 – Need to have Francois color my wig

17 – shopping
25 – shopping
35 – shopping
48 – shopping
66 – shopping

17 – “Burger King”
25 – “Free meal”
35 – “A diamond”
48 – “A bigger diamond”
66 – “Home Alone”

17 – tall, dark and handsome
25 – tall, dark and handsome with money
35 – tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 – a man with hair
66 – a man

17 – Muffy the cat
25 – Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 – German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
48 – Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 – Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat

17 – 17
25 – 25
35 – 35
48 – 48
66 – 66

17 – He offers to pay
25 – He pays
35 – He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 – He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 – He can chew his breakfast
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Secret Cat Diary
DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was…Hmmm. Not working according to plan…

DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
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Last Century Vs. This Century
The following is from a 1950′s Home Economics textbook intended for the High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life.
(If woman actually did this I was born in the wrong century)

1. Have dinner ready: Plan, even the night before, to have a delicious meal – on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.

4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

6. Some DON’TS: Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.

10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

Now the updated version for the modern woman.

1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you’d like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.

2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the “LANCOME” counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he belches at the table. (Don’t forget to use his credit card!)

3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know you’ll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.

4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandmas!

5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him with a warm smile…this way he might fix it faster).

6. Some DON’TS: Don’t greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the cleanup.

7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy blanket if he’s cold. This will really show you care.

8. Listen to him: But don’t ever let him get the last word.

9. Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage disposal fixed.

10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him that you make more money than he does.
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Women And Geography

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Great Britain
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
And The Geography Of A Man

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.

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10 Rules I Learned From Lifetime Movies
Yes, the Lifetime Movie channel still exists and it’s still as guilty-pleasurable as hell. Every few years, while on a journey through what is often the deserted wasteland of television, I land on the Lifetime Movie Channel, desperate and thirsty for mindless drama, my rods and cones anxious to find stimuli to satisfy their raging eye boners. What results is a week long excursion, where I don’t shower, I don’t change out of my pajama pants or Chive tee shirt, and I start seeing the positive side of gender reassignment therapy.

But listen, if I was ever trapped within Lifetime Movies, I would completely win Lifetime Movies. Now some people might say, “That’s just a ridiculously implausible premise to setup this article you’ve written!”

Please, enjoy, but pay close attention to these rules of Lifetime movies.

The No One Believes You Rule
The town hates you. Everyone in the town hates you. And no one believes you. They don’t believe anything you say. They believe the mayor with the shiny record. Not you, the girl with the sketchy past. Even if you are getting your life back together, and going to night school for political science, and singlehandedly raising your son so he doesn’t grow up to be like the men on the Lifetime Movie Network… what a lying floozy you probably are.

The No Break-Ups Rule
Don’t break up with anyone. Ever. Don’t believe them when they tell you “Everything’s fine.” It’s not. Because even as they’re hugging you (in that really aggressive “You’re… hurting me…” kind of way), they’re remembering where that piano wire is, and exactly how many steps from your driveway to your bedroom window. Unless you’re making a clean break. And by that I mean CLEAN. No fingerprints anywhere in their house, car, your hemisphere. No used condoms in any trash cans in the world. No hair fibers on their property whatsoever. After that, and entering the FBI witness protection program, you should be good to go. However…

The Someone Is Trying To Find You Right Now Rule
FYI, they are sti ll trying to find you, and while they’re waiting, they’ll occupy their time by standing in front of a mirror, whispering, “Mr. & Mrs. [your last name].” If they’re a guy they’ll still want to take your last name. Which makes it even creepier. That, and the generous amount of lipstick they’re applying. Then they’ll rub their bodies with some food product, likely the main export of your local economy. Maple syrup or cheese or seafood or cherries or guano.

The High School Party Rule
Are you at a high school party right now? Shit… well, you’re going to jail. I don’t know how just yet, but you’ll be in police custody pretty soon. Is there a hot tub, maybe some alcohol, perhaps a few different cliques at this party? Double shit. No, it doesn’t matter—you can leave if you want, but you’ve already left enough hair, semen, whatever, for the police to finger you. And since you left, the kids who stayed are probably plotting against you right now. Because remember, everyone in the town also hates you. Lawyer up. And make sure the lawyer is a close family friend or an actual family member. If not, they were probably at the high school party getting it on with some underage chick and now they have the perfect way to avoid suspicion. It should also be someone you know because of the next rule…

The New Acquaintance Rule
Don’t l et anyone new into your life, ever. Live a lonely, sheltered life. New people just means people will be getting killed. Those new people will be liked more than you. Everyone loves new people. Once again, everyone in town hates you, and as in all walks of life, the less popular you are, the more likely you are going to be convicted of homicide. However…

The Community Oddball Rule
Living a lonely sheltered serves another purpose. The isolated, friendless person in the community, while he/she may attract a lot of suspicion and carry themselves in a generally questionable manner, in the end people will recognize you as misunderstood and harmless once they’ve gotten to know you. You may even be accepted into the community and make a lot of new acquaintances… STOP! Have you listened to nothing I’ve told you! See NEW AQUAINTANCE RULE.

The Single White Female Rule
Someone wants to be you. You don’t know it, but right now someone is standing in front of a mirror (I’m convinced Lifetime movies keep the mirror industry in business) cutting their hair with the crudest, Kindergarten safety scissors anyone has ever seen, and saying “Hi, I’m [your name].” Soon they will become associated with members of your family. They’ll be invited without your permission to a party you’re throwing. Someone will make the offhanded comment that you and this person sort of look alike. The observation won’t sit right with you, but that person will get an emotional boner from it, leading them to sneak into your bedroom during the party to check the size and brand tags of your clothing—I mean, aside from smelling and/or humping them obviously.
Eventually though, that obsession to become like you mutates into the unquenched thirst to BE YOU. Again, enter: MORE MIRRORS. This time in a violence outburst, they’ve smashed the mirror, symbolizing their disgust with the image they see, a person that no longer exists. Their life, like the mirror, is a psychotic sharded reflection of what it once was. And as this doppelganger gazes into the web-cracked, kaleidoscopic surface, we the viewers know that we’ve just driven into Crazy Town. Population: Us.
The Startling Someone Who Has No Reason To Be Startled Rule
If you ever walk in on someone doing something seemingly harmless, perhaps relating to their job, and you startle them, they are plotting to kill someone. Perhaps you. Maybe they’re a taxidermist—they’ll run you through with the horn of a random beast. A taxi driver—they’ll run you over with their cab. A tax accountant—they’ll run you through your deductions for the previous year… then deduct your head from your body!

The Lone Witness Rule
The only person who can prove your innocence will be killed just as that flood of long-awaited reassuring calm you never thought would come washes over you. You’ve just finished meeting them at a coffee shop, somewhere in public. “Thank you so much for coming forward with this infor”—hit by a car. You’ve just finished talking to them on the phone. “I can’t tell you how relieved I am that soon this will all be”—their car explodes. You’ve just finished reading a note they sent you, saying “Urgent” or “very important” with a number by which to reach them—car crashes through their house, hits them, then explodes just for good measure.

The Take Matters Into Your Own Hands Rule
You’ll have to take this investigation into your own hands. The cops hate you, everyone in the town hates you, but you know who doesn’t care one way or the other? JUSTICE. Go snoop around the property of the person you’re pretty sure committed this crime. Ultimately, this is the only way you will ever prove your innocence, or show that your boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/wife is a psychotic killer, or show that the town’s golden boy mayor/sheriff/humanitarian is really a crooked maniac whose thirst for power will never be satiated. All this within the last 5 minutes or so of the movie. Warning: the last 10 minutes or so will be the most trying of your life. It may require you to get roughed up. It may require you to have your clothes torn in a way that will test the moral compass of viewers at home. “Damn, please don’t harm that girl… with her so-close-to-being-exposed breasts… and sexy lace brassiere… maybe just a little longer… okay, GOOD the police are here because they traced the 9-11 call she made even though the killer knocked the cell out of her hand before she could start talking. Phew.”
And… scene.
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Midlife Barbie
Introducing the new, Improved MIDLIFE BARBIE:

Now, at long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic…

1. Bifocals Barbie
Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Soccer Mom Barbie
All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

3. Hot Flash Barbie
Press Barbie’s bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.

4. Facial Hair Barbie
As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

5. Flabby Arms Barbie
Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too-muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.

6. Bunion Barbie
Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

7. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie
Erase those pesky crow’s-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

8. Post-Menopausal Barbie
This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book “Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self” is included.

9. Divorced Barbie
Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, and Ken’s boat.
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Why Are Cats Better Than Dogs (According to the Internet)?
The joke that you tell about how the Internet is a waste of time if you are the kind of person who makes jokes about how the Internet is a waste of time is always something like, “The only thing the Internet is good for is cat videos and pornography.” And I don’t think it is being pedantic to point out that this particular line doesn’t work if you substitute “dog videos.” People would think you are weird. They would be like, “Why are you watching dog videos?” “Dog videos isn’t a thing,” they would say. But so — and I will try to look at some actual statistics as we get more into it — but this brings me to my first tentative answer to the “Cats On The Internet” question (which, I should also point out, is a question that people ask a lot.)

1. It’s the culture
Through various lucky accidents, cat stuff started to permeate Internet culture pretty early on, and dogs often found themselves imitating rather than innovating in the field. (and yes, sure, 4chan, etc., but let’s try to stay focused) certainly has an important role to play in this story, with the introduction to the wider Web of those semi-literate feline sensations the LOL cats, who at this point even your mom has heard of. And while Happy Cat — of whom your mom is also, arguably, at least tangentially aware — is still the most popular image on Cheezburger, according to the site’s Editor in Chief, Emily Huh, the most popular post on sister (dog-themed) site I Has A Hot Dog has nowhere near the same traction, either in terms of Facebook shares or in the annals of Internet culture as a whole.

Meanwhile on YouTube (always a dangerous way to start a sentence), the story is a little bit more complex. Based on media exposure alone, you’d think that the most popular pet on YouTube would be superstar cat Maru, whose love affair with boxes has garnered him over 150 million video views. But the crown for most popular pet YouTube channel actually goes to Mishka, the Siberian husky who says “I love you.” Mishka has 296,000 subscribers (almost a third again as many as Maru), and 292 million video views — which nearly doubles Maru’s total.



In fact, Mishka has the No. 1 all-time pet video on YouTube, with 71 million views — though the well-loved Surprised Kitty and an epilepsy-inducing compilation called “Funny Cats” are not too far behind in terms of views.

Surprised Kitty

Funny Cats

So if cats aren’t distinguishing themselves at the top of the pack on YouTube, maybe they’re doing better in aggregate? Not exactly. According to Kevin Allocca from Google’s excellent YouTube Trends site, searches for “dog” on YouTube yield about 2 million results — which is half a million more results than an equivalent “cat” search. And his analysis is just as damning: “Personal opinion is that cats are overrated as being most popular,” he told me. “Data suggests dogs are more popular than people think.”
There is, however, some hope for cat partisans, and it is related to the potential for individual pieces of cat media (I was just about to say “content,” but then I remembered how much that word reminds me of a vomit bag) that go viral (i.e., achieve a high rate of sharing) compared with equivalent dog media. “When it comes to virality,” says Kevin Allocca, “there seem to be more cat videos that ‘go viral,’ but dogs are incredibly popular on YouTube.”

BuzzFeed’s own data backs this up. Although we have a slightly higher number of cat than dog posts, the average reaction numbers (hearts, comments, “cutes,” etc.) to these posts are remarkably similar — but the metric that really stands out is the average number of “viral” views (traffic coming from Facebook, Twitter, and other sites linking in). For the average cat post, that’s close to 9,000. For dogs, that’s only 5,000. And if you add up the numbers for the top 5-performing cat posts since 2011 vs. the top 5-performing dog posts, that discrepancy becomes very clear: Cats are at 2,655,412 — almost 2 million more than the top dogs, who could only muster a measly 700,729 views between them. Sad.

Which is super interesting and all, but so now we are right back to our original question. Why? Why why why? Here’s another stab at it:

2. It’s the cats
My personal theory about why cats have more “viral potential” than their canine compatriots is that cats are better at making viral videos because the dogs are trying too hard.

Dogs are the equivalent of a “Viral Marketing Strategist” at an ad agency — sure, they’ll have a hit now and again, but unless it’s really exceptional work, you’ll just ignore it, because you know they’re doing it to get your attention. When a dog gets in a box, it’s because he desperately wants you to think he’s cool. When a cat does it, it’s because it suddenly felt like the right thing to do at the time — it’s cool and effortless. It feels natural.


Same goes for sinks.



And, most important of all, when a cat wears human clothes, it adds to his air of mystery and effortless stylishness.



OK, so that’s clearly pretty biased, but maybe there’s something to the notion that this particular bias is pervasive, at least on the Internet. Which brings us to a third possibility:

3. It’s us
Cheezburger’s Emily Huh has this theory:

In regards to why cats are more popular than dogs on the Internet, I think it’s because cat owners don’t have a cat park or a place where they can congregate in person to talk about their cats like how dog owners have a dog park to talk about their dogs. The Internet has provided a place for cat owners and fans of cats to talk about their own cats, comment on how hilarious, cute, or evil their cat is and swap stories, pictures, and videos.

Is it possible that the Internet is essentially serving the purpose of a great big virtual cat park? It certainly feels that way sometimes. And that’s one potential explanation for the cultural bias in favor of cats online, even if it is belied by the stats which show an equivalent demand for dog stuff. Here’s another explanation:

4. Path dependence
In the late ’70s, VHS- and Betamax-format videotapes were competing for consumer attention in a fierce videotape format war. As those of us who still remember videotapes know, VHS (though widely held to be inferior) eventually prevailed, and Sony’s Betamax tapes at first dwindled and then quickly disappeared from the market. There are a lot of theories about why VHS achieved market dominance, but a leading one relies on what economists call “path dependence” — a tendency within institutions or industries to make current decisions based on past decisions, regardless of quality or inherent value.

With that in mind, it could well be that the real reason we are all living in this great big virtual cat park actually has nothing to do with the cats themselves. It could be that, through historical accidents like the sudden rise to prominence of the LOLcats, our feline overlords achieved a negligible early adoption lead over their canine competitors, which is constantly reiterated and reinforced by unknowingly biased publishers and content (ugh) producers like BuzzFeed, who privilege cats simply because that seems like the way we’ve always done it.

Of course, there is one other explanation that we haven’t explored at all yet:

5. Dogs are idiots
Haha, just messing with you guys. Dogs are great. I love dogs.

The Cane Problem

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