Barbie’s I'd Like To See
Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Ken’s salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole, despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini-laptop. Pull the string on her back and she’ll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-organization, a move, and order airline tickets for Director Ken.
America’s Most Wanted Barbie:
Blue Collar Barbie:
Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman:
Home Girl Barbie:
Melrose Place Barbie:
Murder, Barbie Wrote:
My So-Called Barbie:
For Everyone I Know That Drives Alone!
I had a flat tire on I-90 yesterday;
so I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my trunk.
I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn’t believe it!
Just as I had hoped, cars started slowing down looking at the men which made it much safer for me to work on the side of the road.
People honked and waved, and it wasn’t long before a police car pulled up behind me.
He wanted to know what the heck I was doing so I calmly explained that I was changing my flat.
He told me he could see that, but demanded to know what the heck my cardboard men were doing standing at the rear of my car.
I couldn’t believe he didn’t know! So I told him…
Well, I explained to the angry Policeman…
They’re my Emergency Flashers!!!!
I go to court in September.
(Darn Police. No sense of humor.)
Martha Stewart And Reality
MARTHA STEWART: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant “fix-me-up.”
REAL WOMEN: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too damn bad. Please recite with me The Real Women’s motto: “I made it and you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes.”
MARTHA STEWART: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
MARTHA STEWART: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
MARTHA STEWART: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
MARTHA STEWART: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
MARTHA STEWART: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
And finally the most important tip -
Reply to Anti-Fur Activists
Here’s a good comeback for when someone comes up to you and complains about you wearing a fur coat:
“Do you know how many animals had to die so you could wear that coat?”
“Do you know how many animals I had to fuck so I could wear this coat?”
Or try this:
“You know a cow was murdered for that leather jacket?”
You reply, staring deeply at them and speaking in a psychotic tone, “I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too.”
Prison Vs. Housewives
In prison, you get three square meals a day.
At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.
In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.
In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even.
In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.
In prison, all your medical care is free.
In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.
In prison, you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day.
In prison, you get your own personal toilet.
In prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.
In prison, they take you everywhere you need to go.
In prison, the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing.
In prison, there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn’t.
At home….stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?
How To Lie To The Bathroom Scale
1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner.
Weigh yourself again in the morning, before breakfast, without clothes.
It’s nice to see how much weight you’ve lost overnight.
2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don’t forget the earrings; these things can weigh at least a pound.
4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off . . . to your advantage.
5. Always go to the bathroom first.
6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.
7. Weigh yourself after a haircut; this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).
8. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale. You don’t want to weigh all the extra air do you?
9. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it’s worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you’d stepped on normally
Female Stages Of Life
17 – Wine Coolers
25 – White wine
35 – Red wine
48 – Dom Perignon
66 – Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED
Secret Cat Diary
DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.
DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this on their bed (again).
DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was…Hmmm. Not working according to plan…
DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.
DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
Last Century Vs. This Century
The following is from a 1950′s Home Economics textbook intended for the High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life.
(If woman actually did this I was born in the wrong century)
1. Have dinner ready: Plan, even the night before, to have a delicious meal – on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
6. Some DON’TS: Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.
Now the updated version for the modern woman.
1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you’d like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the “LANCOME” counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he belches at the table. (Don’t forget to use his credit card!)
3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know you’ll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandmas!
5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him with a warm smile…this way he might fix it faster).
6. Some DON’TS: Don’t greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the cleanup.
7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy blanket if he’s cold. This will really show you care.
8. Listen to him: But don’t ever let him get the last word.
9. Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage disposal fixed.
10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him that you make more money than he does.
10 Rules I Learned From Lifetime Movies
Yes, the Lifetime Movie channel still exists and it’s still as guilty-pleasurable as hell. Every few years, while on a journey through what is often the deserted wasteland of television, I land on the Lifetime Movie Channel, desperate and thirsty for mindless drama, my rods and cones anxious to find stimuli to satisfy their raging eye boners. What results is a week long excursion, where I don’t shower, I don’t change out of my pajama pants or Chive tee shirt, and I start seeing the positive side of gender reassignment therapy.
But listen, if I was ever trapped within Lifetime Movies, I would completely win Lifetime Movies. Now some people might say, “That’s just a ridiculously implausible premise to setup this article you’ve written!”
Please, enjoy, but pay close attention to these rules of Lifetime movies.
The No One Believes You Rule
The No Break-Ups Rule
The Someone Is Trying To Find You Right Now Rule
The High School Party Rule
The New Acquaintance Rule
The Community Oddball Rule
The Single White Female Rule
The Lone Witness Rule
The Take Matters Into Your Own Hands Rule
Introducing the new, Improved MIDLIFE BARBIE:
Now, at long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic…
1. Bifocals Barbie
2. Soccer Mom Barbie
3. Hot Flash Barbie
4. Facial Hair Barbie
5. Flabby Arms Barbie
6. Bunion Barbie
7. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie
8. Post-Menopausal Barbie
9. Divorced Barbie
Why Are Cats Better Than Dogs (According to the Internet)?
The joke that you tell about how the Internet is a waste of time if you are the kind of person who makes jokes about how the Internet is a waste of time is always something like, “The only thing the Internet is good for is cat videos and pornography.” And I don’t think it is being pedantic to point out that this particular line doesn’t work if you substitute “dog videos.” People would think you are weird. They would be like, “Why are you watching dog videos?” “Dog videos isn’t a thing,” they would say. But so — and I will try to look at some actual statistics as we get more into it — but this brings me to my first tentative answer to the “Cats On The Internet” question (which, I should also point out, is a question that people ask a lot.)
1. It’s the culture
Meanwhile on YouTube (always a dangerous way to start a sentence), the story is a little bit more complex. Based on media exposure alone, you’d think that the most popular pet on YouTube would be superstar cat Maru, whose love affair with boxes has garnered him over 150 million video views. But the crown for most popular pet YouTube channel actually goes to Mishka, the Siberian husky who says “I love you.” Mishka has 296,000 subscribers (almost a third again as many as Maru), and 292 million video views — which nearly doubles Maru’s total.
In fact, Mishka has the No. 1 all-time pet video on YouTube, with 71 million views — though the well-loved Surprised Kitty and an epilepsy-inducing compilation called “Funny Cats” are not too far behind in terms of views.
So if cats aren’t distinguishing themselves at the top of the pack on YouTube, maybe they’re doing better in aggregate? Not exactly. According to Kevin Allocca from Google’s excellent YouTube Trends site, searches for “dog” on YouTube yield about 2 million results — which is half a million more results than an equivalent “cat” search. And his analysis is just as damning: “Personal opinion is that cats are overrated as being most popular,” he told me. “Data suggests dogs are more popular than people think.”
BuzzFeed’s own data backs this up. Although we have a slightly higher number of cat than dog posts, the average reaction numbers (hearts, comments, “cutes,” etc.) to these posts are remarkably similar — but the metric that really stands out is the average number of “viral” views (traffic coming from Facebook, Twitter, and other sites linking in). For the average cat post, that’s close to 9,000. For dogs, that’s only 5,000. And if you add up the numbers for the top 5-performing cat posts since 2011 vs. the top 5-performing dog posts, that discrepancy becomes very clear: Cats are at 2,655,412 — almost 2 million more than the top dogs, who could only muster a measly 700,729 views between them. Sad.
Which is super interesting and all, but so now we are right back to our original question. Why? Why why why? Here’s another stab at it:
2. It’s the cats
Dogs are the equivalent of a “Viral Marketing Strategist” at an ad agency — sure, they’ll have a hit now and again, but unless it’s really exceptional work, you’ll just ignore it, because you know they’re doing it to get your attention. When a dog gets in a box, it’s because he desperately wants you to think he’s cool. When a cat does it, it’s because it suddenly felt like the right thing to do at the time — it’s cool and effortless. It feels natural.
Same goes for sinks.
And, most important of all, when a cat wears human clothes, it adds to his air of mystery and effortless stylishness.
OK, so that’s clearly pretty biased, but maybe there’s something to the notion that this particular bias is pervasive, at least on the Internet. Which brings us to a third possibility:
3. It’s us
In regards to why cats are more popular than dogs on the Internet, I think it’s because cat owners don’t have a cat park or a place where they can congregate in person to talk about their cats like how dog owners have a dog park to talk about their dogs. The Internet has provided a place for cat owners and fans of cats to talk about their own cats, comment on how hilarious, cute, or evil their cat is and swap stories, pictures, and videos.
Is it possible that the Internet is essentially serving the purpose of a great big virtual cat park? It certainly feels that way sometimes. And that’s one potential explanation for the cultural bias in favor of cats online, even if it is belied by the stats which show an equivalent demand for dog stuff. Here’s another explanation:
4. Path dependence
With that in mind, it could well be that the real reason we are all living in this great big virtual cat park actually has nothing to do with the cats themselves. It could be that, through historical accidents like the sudden rise to prominence of the LOLcats, our feline overlords achieved a negligible early adoption lead over their canine competitors, which is constantly reiterated and reinforced by unknowingly biased publishers and content (ugh) producers like BuzzFeed, who privilege cats simply because that seems like the way we’ve always done it.
Of course, there is one other explanation that we haven’t explored at all yet:
5. Dogs are idiots
The Cane Problem