Realistic Sobriety Tests
Rules To Fly-By
1. Every take-off is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, the houses get smaller. Unless you keep pulling this stick, then the houses get bigger again.
3. Flying is not dangerous. Crashing is dangerous.
4. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you are on fire.
5. The propeller is just a big fan to keep the pilot cool. If it stops, see how he sweats.
6. A good landing is one you can walk away from. A great landing is one where you can reuse the plane afterwards.
7. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival, and vice versa.
8. Always keep the number of take-offs equal to the number of landings.
9. There are three simple rules to a smooth landing, and nobody knows any of them.
10. Helicopters cannot fly. They are just so ugly that the Earth repels them.
11. In the ongoing battle of an aluminum tube going hundreds of miles an hour, and Earth going zero miles an hour, the Earth has yet to lose.
12. It’s usually a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward.
13. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea, it is the law. And it is not subject to repeal.
14. There is no such thing as an emergency takeoff
15. Flying is the second greatest feeling in the world. Landing safely is the first.
The Air Force has a rule: – “If the wings are moving faster than the fuselage it is a helicopter and should be considered unsafe”.
A Glass Of Wine Or Water
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine and those who don’t and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand:
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) – bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of Shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I’m doing it as a public service
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2. Course played on must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again!
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played.
Upset course owners have been known to damage a player’s equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner’s permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a golf course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change at any time. For this reason, many players prefer to continue playing on several different courses.
Employee Job Application Definitions
I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I’m usually on Prozac. When I’m not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &
ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I’ve used Microsoft Office.
I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.
I’M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I’M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere’s better.
I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.
MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You’re probably looking for someone more experienced.
I AM ADAPTABLE: I’ve changed jobs a lot.
I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job. I’m outta here.
I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I’m a college drop-out.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don’t throw me away!
I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I’m gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.
Democrats vs. Republicans
The nice version from 1971
Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
Republicans consume three fourths of all the rutabaga produced in this country. The remainder is thrown out.
Democrats give their worn out clothes to those less fortunate.
Republicans wear theirs.
Republicans employ exterminators.
Democrats step on the bugs.
Democrats name their children after currently popular sports figures, politicians, and entertainers.
Republican children are named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the money is.
Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not successful.
Neither are Republicans.
Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should.
Democrats ought to, but don’t.
Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians, and eyebrows.
Democrats raise Airedales, kids, and taxes.
Democrats eat the fish they catch.
Republicans hang them on the wall.
Republican boys date Democratic girls.
They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel that they’re entitled to a little fun first.
Democrats make plans and then do something else.
Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
Republican husband and wives sleep in twin beds–some even in separate rooms.
That is why there are more Democrats.
Sex After Surgery
A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation. “You’ll be fine,” he said.
She asked, “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
“What’s the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won’t I?”
He replied, “Yes, you’ll be fine. It’s just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.”
More Creative Answering Machine Messages
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I’ll be right with you.
I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone.
Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.
Hi. I’m home right now, I’m just screening my calls. So start talking and if you’re someone I want to speak with I’ll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
This is Dan Cassidy’s answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I’ve doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.
You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
Hello, this is Susan. I don’t live here, so if you were trying to call me, you’ve dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don’t guarantee that one of them will call you back — only that I won’t.
Hi, this is Mike. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I’ll get back to you at the sound of the tone.
We’re sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.
I don’t exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I’ll call you back when I do…
HI! Leave me a message and tell me what I can do to… I mean, do FOR you.
Take A Cab Home
I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.
Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.
That’s when I did something that I’ve never done before – I took a cab home.
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don’t know where I got it and now that it’s in my garage I don’t know what to do with it.
Too Many Differences Between Men & Women
WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings women talk about “the ceremony.” Men talk about “the bachelor party.”
CHEERLEADERS: Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all American. Male cheerleaders are scary.
LAUNDRY: Women do the laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were really hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweat suit inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of dirty clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat, but this is only a myth perpetuated by old reruns of Love American Style.
POLITICS: Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedy’s is growing up and getting into politics because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.
SOCKS: Men are sensible about socks. They wear argyle socks or standard white sweat socks. Women wear strange socks. Socks with pictures of clouds on them. Socks that are cut way below their ankles. Socks that have little fuzzy balls on the back.
GARAGES: Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.
CLASSIC MOVIES: For women their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in Gone With the Wind. For men it’s when Jimmy Cagney shoves grapefruit in May Clark’s face in Public Enemy.
JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that’s it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
THE MOST IMPORTANT DIFFERENCE OF ALL: Colored underwear. Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored underwear. There is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides solid white.
Darwin and NASCAR do not mix.
-Eric von Haessler of The Regular Guys, a NASCAR fan
It helps if the hitter thinks you’re a little crazy.
It’s not premarital se x if you don’t plan to get married.
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don’t.
-a T-shirt at ThinkGeek.com
Being intelligent is not a felony. But most societies evaluate it as at least a misdemeanor.
-Robert A. Heinlein
The supreme irony of life is that no one gets out of it alive.
-Robert A. Heinlein
-Douglas MacArthur’s axiom that all military disasters are explained by two words
I like vengeance as much as the next guy, if the next guy likes vengeance a whole lot….
Common sense is not so common.
Wouldn’t it be interesting to have an occasional zebra in a horse race?
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.
How do you delete the Recycle Bin?
-Adam Schroeder, posing the great philosophical question of the 21st century, a modern conundrum to rival the old Buddhist question, “What’s the sound of one hand clapping?”
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
Now, I ain’t sayin’ he should have killed her…but I understand.
-Chris Rock, on O.J.
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
Oral se x should be an Olympic sport. Why? Because it’s harder than curling, and if you’re any good at it, you deserve a medal.
If you can’t answer a man’s argument, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
…each new generation born is in effect an invasion of civilization by little barbarians, who must be civilized before it is too late.
Make love, not war.
Do both, get married.
But my point is that competitive eating is a real sport, and I considered taking it up. But when I thought about what this would mean—sitting around for hours, stuffing my face with unhealthy food—I realized it was basically the same thing as journalism.
Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.
Have you ever wondered why it takes a bride months and months to plan a wedding, but a good funeral can be pulled together in two days? The elements are all the same—church, minister, music, flowers, guests, food.
-alert reader Lori Rispoli, in a letter to Dave Barry
Writing a book is an adventure. To begin with, it is a toy and an amusement; then it becomes a mistress, and then it becomes a master, and then a tyrant. The last phase is that just as you are about to be reconciled to your servitude, you kill the monster, and fling him out to the public.
He’s [Stu Miller] got a fastball you could catch in your teeth. Three pitch speeds: slow, slower, and reverse.
-Coach Jim Murray