In the Unlikely Event…
Online dating is huge now. Everyone from EHarmony to Match.com have been benefiting from the surge in personals. But impersonal nature of online personals need a little clarifying. Below you’ll find a guide to better enable yourself “Find That Special Someone”
Beautiful Bulgarian girl = I need a green card
Beautiful Russian girl = My pimp says I need a green card
I love doing yoga and running with my dog = a really good lay
Athletic = No t!ts
Spends too much time at work / Work Hard = I’m cheating on you and we haven’t even met
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious Smile = Takes a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure = On medication / Frequent Psychiatric Visits
Feminist = Fat
Free spirit = Junkie / Hippie
Hopeless romantic = Wants a Ring
Friendship first = Former slut
Fun = Annoying
New-Age = Body hair in the wrong places
Very goal oriented = She wants to wear the pants
BA in psychology = I will be single forever
Sensitive Girl = Insecure
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Old-fashioned = No Blow Jobs
Looking for a man with ambition = Gold-digger
Mentions the word “Love” in any way shape or form = clingy
Honest Eyes = I’ll cheat on you and you’ll never know….hehehehe
Family is important to me = Father Issues
Open-minded = Really Really Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy drunk
Average looking = Ugly
Spontaneous = Will Have S@x Anywhere
Looking for a cowboy! = Take me….Take me nowwwwww!
Low maintenance girl = not very attractive and probably athletic = no t!ts no looks
Fun-loving girl = gives it up a lot
For a guy to make me laugh = depressed probably medicated
Honest, intelligent, funny and just down to earth = probably none of the above
Spiritual = a witch, possibly a vegetarian
Large frame = Fat
Voluptuous = Fat, but in a sexy way
Wants Soul mate = Stalker
Looking for a nice guy = Been cheated on (Paranoid, Clingy)
No Baby Daddy Drama = Baby Daddy Drama (Look out!)
30-ish = 35-45
40-ish = 49-54
Chivalry should not be dead! There’s something to be said about how our parents courted = Princess….Only Child
Very social = keep your good-looking friend away from this one
I’ve been called a keeper = only calls herself a keeper
Looking for a nice girl = Been cheated on (Paranoid, Clingy)
Ambitious = Rich
Family is important to me = Mother Issues
Old fashioned gentleman = Oldddd. Really Olddddddd
Renowned Psychologist = You’ll be on medication inside of a week
I’ve been called a keeper = only calls himself a keeper
Open-minded = Really Really Desperate
Adventurous & Open-minded = Swinger, possibly bi
I want you to want me = Knows at least one song from the 80s
Charming European accent = I will cheat on you, but its okay I have a Charming European accent
“Bad boys need love too” = maybe a good lay, possibly has herpes
Wickedly sarcastic sense of humor = Will tell you your ugly and think its funny
Big Teddy Bear = Really Really Big
Lets go on a magic carpet ride = On the S@xual Offender list….check local website first
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Exceptional = Probably average at best
Look here! = You probably don’t want to look there
Moved back after a long time = I’m 30 and I live with my parents
Voluptuous = S@x Change… Transvestite
No Baby Mama Drama = Baby Mama Drama (Look out!)
I work at Budweiser = Un-employed
I like to watch movies = Can’t dance to save my life
Out going, Independent Guy = Will not come home at night
Looking for the Ms. Right = Mr. Wrong
Adam looking for Eve = Bible Study begins at 8pm
Tall guy = Big Schlong
Sensitive Guy = Gay
I cried watching the movie “Titanic” = Gay
Searching for Treasure = “Let me guess it’s around a female’s chest!”
Smart and quiet guy = “One Day I will be the Uni-Bomber”….don’t look in my basement
I love doing yoga and running with my dog = Really Really Really Gay
I don’t have an intro line = Not very interesting
Soccer fanatic = White, preppy, possibly a snob
Just want to meet good women = probably doesn’t deserve one
A man seeking s@xy playmate = Has a lot of $1 bills
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student: “Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?”
Professor: “Actually, I probably do. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be a professor, would I?”
Student: “OK. So, Id like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can’t give me the correct answer, however, you’ll have to give me an “A”.
Professor: “Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?”
Student: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?
The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can’t crack the answer. Finally, he gives up and changes the student’s failing mark into an “A” as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally, he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?
To the professor’s surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.
“All right” says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer.
“It’s quite easy, sir” says the student “You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical.
Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal.
And your wife’s lover failed his exam but you’ve just given him an “A”, which is neither legal, nor logical.”
Some Jewish Shtiks
Q: Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage?
A: He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
Q: What business is a yenta in?
Q: How do Jewish wives get their children ready for dinner?
A: They put them in the car.
Q: What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft and her nails long?
A: Nothing at all!
Q: Define “genius”
A: An average student with a Jewish mother.
Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat.
Jewish proverb: “A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she’ll never forget what she forgave.”
One of life’s mysteries – how a 2 Ib. box of chocolates can make a Jewish woman gain 5 lbs.??!
Another of life’s mysteries is when a Jewish woman hangs something in her wardrobe for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
The trouble with some Jewish women is that they get all excited about nothing; then they marry him.
A Bar Mitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to realize that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play for one
I Did Not Know This…
When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Warn all your friends.
Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry.
We need = I want.
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure, go ahead = I don’t want you to.
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like.
I’ll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you’re dead!
Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I’m not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is important.
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.
It’s Hell To Be Old
OLD people have problems that you haven’t even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
‘Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing’ it between her knees, but still nothing..’
The doctor was shocked! ‘You asked your neighbor?’
The old man replied, ‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.’
1 – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 – Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
3 – Half the people you know are below average.
4 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 – 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 – If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 – All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend,……but she left me before we met.
12 – OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
13 – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
14 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
17 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Memoirs From the HR Department
Today I had to talk to an employee who e-mailed a photograph of his penis to a woman in his department. I knew it was his penis because it said, “This is my penis,” in the subject line. Also, his name badge was clipped to his belt and was clearly visible. I practiced saying, “Is this your penis?” over and over in my office until I could say it without giggling, and then I called him and his supervisor in.
“Is this your penis?” I asked, as I pushed the printout of the e-mail over to him.
I think I was expecting him to break into a sweat or try to jump through the window out of embarrassment, because apparently, I’d forgotten about the fact that this was the same man who thought it would be perfectly fine to take a picture of his penis in the office bathroom to send it to a shocked coworker. Instead, he grinned cockily (no pun in tended), saying, “I think the better question is, exactly how did you get a picture of my penis?”
“It was caught in the e-mail filter. The picture, I mean. Not your penis. If, in fact, that is your penis, I mean.” I was flustered but tried to gain control of the situation again with a deep, calming breath. “Did you mail a picture of your penis?”
He raised an eyebrow. “Would it make it better if I said I was mailing pictures of someone else’s penis?”
I’ve thought about that question for fifteen years and I still don’t have a good answer. Instead, I said, “Not really. Giving a coworker a picture of a penis is sort of universally frowned on. It’s in the employee handbook. Sort of. It’s between the lines.”
“Is there anything in the handbook about someone in HR handing you a penis picture and asking you whether it’s yours?”
I couldn’t think of anything to say to that, so I just told him he was fired and made a note that we need to update the employee handbook with more penis-related directives.
You Think English Is Easy?
Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend.
PS. – Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ‘quick’?
Nothing Beats Experience To Understand Others
Now that I have lived through an actual plague, I totally understand why all the Italian Renaissance paintings are full of naked fat people laying on couches.