Friday Fun Stuff – 5-7-21

When Satan Met 2020

Female Armor Sucks

Who Knew Cops Had A Sense Of Humor

These are actual comments made by Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”
6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”
11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.”
13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”
14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

AND THE WINNER IS….

16. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.” (I actually saw this one on an episode of Cops)

Perfect Operation

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son
‘Yes, Dad, what is it? ‘

‘Don’t be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife….’

Eaten Words

1. “640K ought to be enough for anybody.” — Bill Gates, 1981

2. Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” –Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

3. I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” –Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

4. “I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and walked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.” –The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

5. “But what … is it good for?” –Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

6. “There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” –Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

7. “This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.” –Western Union internal memo, 1876.

8. “The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?” –David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

9. “The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C,’ the idea must be feasible.” –A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing a reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

10. “Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?” –H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers,1927.

11. “I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.” –Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With The Wind.”

12. “A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.” –Response to Debbi Fields’ idea of starting Mrs. Fields’ Cookies.

13. “We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.” –Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

14. “Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” –Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

15. “If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can’t do this.” –Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M “Post-It” Notepads.

16. “So we went to Atari and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we’ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.’ And they said, ‘No.’ So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, ‘Hey, we don’t need you. You haven’t got through college yet.’” –Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak’s personal computer.

17. “Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.” –1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard’s revolutionary rocket work.

18. “You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can’t be done. It’s just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training.” –Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the “unsolvable” problem by inventing Nautilus.

19. “Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You’re crazy.” –Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

20. “Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.” –Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

21. “Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.” –Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

22. “The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon”. –Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

23. “Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction”. –Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

24. “Everything that can be invented has been invented.” –Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

Fidelity

You could use your old computer to shop for a new computer online. But that seems kind of cruel, doesn’t it?
It’s like asking your dying spouse if he or she has any cute friends.

Famous Last Words Of Really Stupid People

• Quick, they’ll never find us if we hide here.
• Don’t worry, it’s not used any more.
• Step back a bit, I can’t get you in the picture.
• So they finally fixed this elevator yesterday?
• Listen, I’m taking a course in chemistry, I know what I’m doing.
• Yes, of course the elastic is strong enough.
• It’s ok so long as you stay down wind.
• Hey, don’t worry, it isn’t loaded.
• I thought it tasted rather strange.
• Darling, did you remember to turn off the gas?
• Gee, what a cute little Pit Bull.
• And that one over there, the red flashing one, what does that mean?
• I’ve never had one of these fail to open before.
• Are you sure they don’t mind you taking their honey?
• It’s ok, I saw them do it on TV.

Marriage

“Marriages don’t last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?” – Rita Rudner

Love, Lust, Marriage

Love – when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust – when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage – when your belt won’t meet around your waist, and you don’t care.

Love – when it doesn’t matter if you don’t climax.
Lust – when the relationship is over if you don’t climax.
Marriage – what’s a climax?

Love – when you show concern for your true love’s feelings.
Lust – when you show concern for whether your partner is cute & sexy.
Marriage – when your only concern is what’s on television; & where is the remote?

Love – when your farewell is, “I love you, darling.”
Lust – when your farewell is, “Same time next week?”
Marriage – when your farewell is, “Don’t forget to pick up the kids on the way home.”

Love – when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
Lust – when you only see each other in the bedroom.
Marriage – when you never see each other awake.

Love – when your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust – when your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage – when your wallet empties every time you see them.

Love – when you’re interested in everything your partner does.
Lust – when you’re only interested in one thing.
Marriage – when you’re not interested in what your partner does; and where IS that darned remote?

You Need A Prescription

Sue, a calm, respectable and understanding lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need Cyanide?”

Sue replied, “I need it to poison my husband, Phil.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he explained, “Lord Have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

Sue reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of Phil in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Oh, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

Notes Left For The Milk Man

Remember the good old days? After reading these, I realize why they stopped door-to-door delivery!!!

Dear milkman…
• I’ve just had a baby, please leave another one.
• Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk.
• Cancel one pint after the day after today.
• Please don’t leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
• Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
• Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
• Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.
• Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I’ve been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
• Sorry about yesterday’s note. I didn’t mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.
• When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
• Please knock. My TV’s broken down and I missed last night’s Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?
• My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?
• Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbor told me.
• Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.
• Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
• From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don’t want any milk.
• My back door is open. Please put milk in ‘fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.
• Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.
• When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don’t leave any milk.
• No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.

Who Needs A Prince?

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the banks of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

A frog hopped onto the princess’s lap and said: ‘Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping with my mother in your castle where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful doing so.’

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frogs’ legs seasoned in a white wine and cream sauce, she smiled to herself: ‘I don’t fucking think so.’

If This Isn’t A Joke Then Illiteracy Is The Least Of Their Problems