If The Entire World Operated Like A Cable Company
How To Have Sex On A Plane
From The American Association Of Retired People
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you’re done you’ll have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: Leading cause of diminished sex drive among senior citizens?
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: “Gosh, I remember these!”
SMILE, You’ve still got your sense of humor!
The Real Meaning Of Real Estate Terms
• Unusual location: In the path of a projected motorway.
• Local authority grants available: About to be condemned.
• Period residence: Built in the last two years.
• Select neighborhood: Beside sewage works.
• Compact: Tiny.
• Country gentleman’s residence: No longer suitable for agricultural tenants.
• Unusual features: No roof.
• Delightful rural location: In flight path of nuclear bomber base.
• Box room: Suitable for accommodating one or two large cardboard boxes, Folded.
• A wealth of period features: Your self, dry rot, rising damp and an electrical circuit best operated in rubber gloves and willies.
• Quite, secluded setting: On site of proposed dormitory town.
• Well situated: In full view of the neighbors.
• Within easy distance of: Next door to a pub and opposite a sex shop local amenities.
• Rare opportunity to buy: No one else wants’ it.
• For the gardening enthusiast: Grounds like a jungle.
• Extensively modernized: Former DIY owner had a breakdown under the strain.
• Unspoiled: Planning permission granted for field next door.
• Deceptive appearance: It looks terrible.
• Partial central heating: The room above the boiler can get warm in summer.
• Easily maintained: Requires at least two gardeners and live-in maid.
• Useful outbuildings: No inside toilet.
• Much sought after: It’s been on the market at least twice before and still no one wants it.
• By private treaty: If it went to auction it would never reach the reserve price.
• Owner eager to sell: If it goes within a week the subsidence cracks won’t be noticed.
• Subject to new instructions: They have just discovered death watch beetle.
• Sold: Unless idiots like you offer a higher price.
- Why was I born with such contemporaries? – Oscar Wilde
- The optimum committee has no members. – Norman Augustine
- The last refuge of the insomniac is a sense of superiority to the sleeping world. – Leonard Cohen
- Too often in politics, the man of thought cannot act, and the man of action does not think. – Richard Nixon
- The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application – Ken Kraft
- There is nothing more frightening than ignorance in action. – Goethe
- If you’re not very clever you should be conciliatory. – Benjamin Disraeli
- Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. – Charlie Brown
- Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it. – Irene Peter
- Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. – Laurence Peter
- They talk most who have the least to say. – Matthew Prior
- There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. – Will Rogers
- Don’t be humble, you’re not that great. – Golda Meir
- Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens – Lieberman’s Law
- Let face facts, shall we? There is a very real possibility this could also be the ‘last’ day of the rest of your life. – Dave Henry
- I think it says a lot about our nation’s skewed priorities that we give the President the unbridled authority to preempt any television program, even during prime-time. – Matt Diamond
- I think a secure profession for young people is history teacher, because in the future, there will be so much more of it to teach. – Bill Muse
- Any husband who says, ‘My wife and I are completely equal partners,’ is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. – Al Franken
- Everyone is a philosopher. Not everyone is good at it. – Alfred North Whitehead
- I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. – Lily Tomlin
- Spare no expense to make everything as economical as possible. – Samuel Goldwyn
How To Wash A Cat
Here’s the plan:
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, he is actually enjoying this.)
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power-wash” and “rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Here’s what actually happened:
I just got back from the emergency room after bathing the cat. #7 needs some thought, as I was unable to get far enough behind the lid when opening. Granted I’m not tall, but the poor cat’s eyesight must have been hampered by step #5. I was mistaken for a tree, which the cat promptly climbed. This thoroughly excited both dogs who were watching for steps #3 and #4. I guess the lighting in the bathroom isn’t that great, both hounds thought a coon had attacked me and proceeded to put it at bay. As I fell over backwards into the bathtub, sadly, this is when most of the damage occurred. I dragged the shower curtain over the top of my body as I went down clutching feebly at anything. The cat and I were on one side of the shower curtain, two highly excited APB terriers were on the other…both on top of me trying to help by wildly biting anything that moved (I’m assuming they thought I’d lay still), further agitating the cat. When the wife came in she thought a prowler had broken in (by the sight of the broken window next to the toilet). After the beating with the fire extinguisher, I lay still. The dogs quit biting and the cat was able to find its way out from under the bloody entangled shower curtain and proceed to step #8.
Homer Simpson – Stupidest Sayings
• Son, for the rest of your life you’re going to go to all sorts of horrible events just to spend time with girls…dances, stores, your wedding…
• I love going to aquatic parks. Sure, they have worse rides than amusement parks, less fish than aquariums, but the parking is ample!
• I’m asking because I’m supposed to care about things.
• Thank goodness it’s TGIF!
• Marge, I thought this was an inocuous lunch, but it’s become terribly ocuous!
• Bingo! I love that game, but I can’t remember what to say when you win.
• Ah, alcohol. The cause of, and the solution to, all of life’s problems.
• What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.
• Lisa, vampires are make believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.
• Save me, Jeebus!
• Facts are meaningless – you could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!
• I’m not impressed easily. Wow! A blue car!
• Well, crying isn’t gonna bring him back, unless your tears smell like dog food.
• I don’t hate your mother, I just won’t be sad when she dies.
• You’re selling milk, JJ, and I’ve got a sour stomach.
• How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain – remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
• Who are you? Why am I here? I want answers now or I want them eventually!
• Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘Sir’ without adding, ‘You’re making a scene’.
• I’m a ‘Spalding Gray’ in a ‘Rick Dees’ world.
• Donuts…is there anything they can’t do?
• Trying is the first step toward failure.
• Because they’re stupid, that’s why. That’s why everybody does everything!
• That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I’m going to clown college!
• You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on every car!
• Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how Drunk you get.
• Why do things that only happen to stupid people keep happening to me?
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.
Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
Man discovered woman, invented sex.
Woman discovered sex, invented headache.
Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, and it was a complete mess after that.
More Of – You Might Work In An “ER” If:
• you know the phone number of the coroner’s office by heart
• you plan vacations by the location & reputation of the Trauma Centers
• you think “TLC” (Tender Loving Care) is “Tube, Lavage, and Charcoal”
• you believe if a patient needs the bedpan, they’ve been there too long
• you’ve ever wanted to institute a surcharge for irritable or mean patients
• you’ve asked, “Why are you here at 3 a.m. if you’ve been sick four years ?”
• your career highlights include witnessing 6 or more immaculate conceptions
• the last time you saw “management” was in a book or on TV
• you think the diagnosis of most older patients is “TMB” (too many birthdays)
• you can compliment a co-worker on his/her attire while doing CPR
• you can finish a 7 course dinner before anyone else has touched their salad
• you know the real problem with an infant is “Mama can’t get any sleep”
• first thing ya notice about a new acquaintance is the condition of their veins
• you have a pet name for your cardiac monitor
• your idea of a great dinner is one that’s warm
• you’ve had a patient tell ya what happened at the last three ER’s they went to
• you have ever been told that a stuffy nose at 0300 is an emergency
• you always double the answer to “How many cigarettes do you smoke ?”
• you’ve eaten chocolate pudding out of a stool specimen cup, just for laughs
• you have ever wished for a “Dial-a-Dose” tranquilizer gun
• you know most/all the drunks in town and their case histories
• you answer the phone “ER” even when you are at home
• you know as long as stupidity is epidemic in the US, you have job security
• you’ve ever encouraged a physician to “Just treat ‘em and street ‘em”
• you’d like to reverse the process of natural selection
• Patients swearing at you doesn’t bother your ego
• you can drink a cup of coffee and go straight to bed
• you discover a patient is armed by noticing the pistol-shape on his X-ray
• your never willingly take a patient’s shoes or underwear off, no matter what
• your greatest fear in life involves a pregnant woman shouting: “IT’S COMING”
• you don’t worry about the gunshot wound but dread dealing with the family
• you’ve ever considered using “Ineffective Individual Coping” as a diagnosis
• you know the use of Tylenol & Benadryl would cut your work load by 50%
• you’ve argued with a drunk that he can’t “just walk out” because his leg is broken
• you’re on a first-name-basis with all the local street people/bums/homeless
• holding a 14 gauge needle, you say “Now there’s going to be a little poke”
• you wonder what the big deal is when someone has a seizure
A New Navigation Technique
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out.
He began circling around looking for a landmark. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with a guy working alone on the fifth floor. He banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, “Hey where am I?”
The man replies, “You’re in an airplane.” The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to perform a perfect blind landing on the airport runway 5 miles away.
Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it.
“Quite easy,” replies the pilot, “I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft’s support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East.”
Other Names For Someone Who Is Not All There
• A good candidate for retroactive birth control
• A member in good standing with the Anti-Mensa Society
• A modest little person, with much to be modest about
• A titanic intellect in a world full of icebergs
• All missile, no warhead
• As bright as a tulip bulb
• Batteries not included
• Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
• Born both ugly and stupid, and built to last
• Contributes to the population problem
• Doesn’t have all the dots on his dice
• Doesn’t know nothing; doesn’t even suspect much
• Elevator doesn’t stop on all the floors
• Full throttle, dry tank
• Gates are down, lights are flashing, but no train coming
• Gavel doesn’t quite hit the bench
• Goalie for the dart team
• Got a life, but wasn’t sure what to do with it
• Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference
• Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
• Has his solar panels aimed at the moon
• He’s so dense, light bends around him
• Any more stupid and he’d have to be watered twice a week
• If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change
• Intellectually challenged
• Mentally qualified for handicapped parking
• Proof positive that evolution can go in reverse
• Wears a pony tail/rat tail to cover up the valve stem
• When the going got weird, he turned pro
World’s Worst Wake-ups
Things You Don’t Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness
• “I don’t know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.”
• “Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he’s still moving.”
• “Blink once for ‘yes’.”
• “What do you mean we have the wrong patient?”
• “Why is there a tag on his toe?”
• “Do you think he can hear us?”
• “I didn’t even know a human could bend that way.”
• “I’m sorry, we didn’t use enough anesthesia. Relax, we’ll be done in a jiffy.”
• “Hold the patient still, we’ve almost pried it open.”
• “Did the doctor tell you he would look like that afterwards?”
• “Nurse, make sure you get all this down for the lawsuit.”