The Most Realistic Christmas Ad Ever
Adult Christmas Humor
Q: Why is Christmas just like your job?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Q: What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve?
A: A pack of batteries with a note saying “toy not included”.
Q: What happens when you use the fireplace on Christmas Eve?
A: You Crisp Cringle.
Q: What did you get for Christmas?
A: I got fat.
Q: How do we know santa’s a man?
A: He shows up late, eats your cookie, empties his sack, comes only once, calls you a ho, and leaves while you’re asleep.
Q: What Red And White And Falls Down The Chimney?
A: Santa Klutz
Q: What’s the favorite Christmas Carol of new parents?
A: Silent Night!
Q: How to be Insulting at Christmas:
A: Try to find what you were given last year and give it back to the person who gave it to you.
Q: Whats The worst thing about the office Christmas party?
A: Looking for a new job the next day.
Q: Have you heard about Adolph, the brown-nosed reindeer?
A: He can run as fast as Rudolph, he just can’t stop as fast.
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?
A: He sold his soul to Santa.
All I want for Christmas is youuuuuuuu……..to get hit by a reindeer.
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
There is a special place in hell for people that play Christmas music before Thanksgiving.
Only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
Letters To Santa
1. Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to being a career lawn care specialist. How ’bout I send you a f****** book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
2. Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in
the world for everybody! Love, Sarah
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?
3. Dear Santa,
I’ve written you for three years now asking for a fire truck.
Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I’m gonna torch your house.
You’ll have more fire trucks than you’ll know what to do with.
4. Dear Santa,
I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.
Please see what you can do.
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad’s still having with the babysitter?
He’s banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son!
Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
5. Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me.
Please see what you can do. Love, Michelle
It blows my f****** mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like “Chutes and Ladders.”
6. Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, play station, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays?
7. Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face.
You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
8. Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
9. Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I’m skipping your house…
10. Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE.
Timmy, that whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but that crap don’t work up here. You’re getting a sweater again.
11. Dearest Santa,
We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky Mark
Firstly, stop calling yourself “Marky,” that’s why you’re getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don’t live in a house, that’s a low-rent apartment complex you’re living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams!
Signs Your Wife Is Cheating With Santa
• Instead of cookies and milk, she leaves out a fifth of Scotch and edible panties.
• Comes home with tinsel stuck between her teeth and Claus marks on her back.
• Of the 200 presents for her under the tree, you bought three of them.
• Never very adventuresome in bed, she suddenly asks if you want to do it “reindeer style.”
• Her picture is prominently featured on santasbitches.com.
• Every day after work, elves block you in traffic to keep you from getting home too early.
• She’s shaved her private hair into the shape of a little chimney.
• Tells you that you would look a lot sexier if you grew a beard and added 150 pounds.
• Every December 24th it’s the same routine: She puts on a teddy and sits on the roof.
Announcement From Santa
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be serving the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population on earth, my contract has been renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves. I now serve only certain areas of Indiana, Illinois, Michigan, Ohio and Wisconsin.
As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind.
However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. While he shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, there are a few differences between us…..
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. Bubba has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying ‘coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the big mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.
4. You won’t hear, “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen …” when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, “On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.”
5. “Ho, ho, ho!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I heard dat!”
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does display a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back, with the words “Back off”. The last I heard, it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters, and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics, such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life”, won’t be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV”, featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I would make sure you, the wife, and the children turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. Finally, the lovely Christmas songs that have been sung about me, such as “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer” and “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”, will be changed. This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt’s “Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox” and “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.”
Santa Packs It In
‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works
I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of “Thanks Santa” – what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money – The reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
Just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes – if that ain’t damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus money
And the kids these days – they all are the pits
They want the impossible…Those mean little shits
I’ve spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls … Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo’s – No request for them
They want computers and robots…they think I’m IBM
If you think that’s bad…just picture this
Try holding those brats…with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose – they grab at my beard
And if I don’t smile…their moms think I’m weird
Flying through the air…dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I’m quitting this job…there’s just no enjoyment
I’ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There’s no Christmas this year…now you know the reason
I found me a blonde. I’m going SOUTH for the season!!
A man was driving down the road when the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming curses in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him. I noticed the “What Would Jesus Do” bumper sticker, the “Choose Life” license plate holder, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car.”
The Reality Of The Twelve Days of Christmas
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Gloria.
Today, the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves… I’m absolutely delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Gloria
Well, aren’t you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity. Three french hens they are simply darling, but I must insist… you’re just too kind.
Today, the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You’re being too romantic.
What a surprise! Today, the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Gloria
When I opened the door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So, you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
What is with you and those fuck!ng birds??? Seven swans a-swimming? What kind of a damn joke is this? There’s bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. I’m a nervous wreck and I can’t sleep at all at night. IT’S NOT FUNNY!… So stop with those fuck!ng birds.
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and eights maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own god dam cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can’t move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS!
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers playing. And Christ, do they play. They haven’t stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech! What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You’ll get yours.
You Rotten Prick:
Now there’s ten ladies dancing – I don’t know why I call those sluts ladies. They’ve been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned. I’m sicking the police on you.
One who means it, Gloria
What’s with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned “ladies”? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the @rgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Gloria Mulligan
December 25th – From the law offices of Taeker, Spredar and Baegar
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Gloria Mulligan. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. Should you attempt to reach Miss Mulligan at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
15 Ways To Confuse Santa
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeers with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say “We hate Christmas,” and “Go away Santa.”
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8. While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment, and take off.
9. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy. :)” Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For Santa.”
10. Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.”
11. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. While he’s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
12. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see them. Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red nose!” and fire a gun.
13. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
14. Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes. While he’s in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you’ve been “trampled.” Threaten to sue.
15. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, “This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us.”
A mother and her young son were flying JetBlue Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The mother said, “Well, maybe that’s something you could ask the stewardess.”
So the boy asked the stewardess, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The stewardess responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?”
The boy admitted that this was the case. “Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because JetBlue always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you.”
Very Dirty Cards For The Holidays
• When I think about you I touch my elf
• I’ll cradle your dreidel!
• Let me lick your candy cane
• If Santa sees everything then we are definitely on the naughty list
• I put out more than cookies and milk for Santa
• Stuff my stocking
• Lets make this a ‘not so silent’ night
• The only package I want for Christmas is yours
• Jews do it for eight nights
• Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. Most of the time. Once in a while. Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
• Is that a candy cane in your pocket?
• Santa knows you’ve been naughty, he saw your Facebook page
• Your stocking is well hung
• See you on the naughty list
• I’ve been goodish all year.
• You put the Ho in Ho Ho Ho!
• Three wise men?…Be Serious.
• When do I get to unwrap your package?
• The tree is not the only thing getting lit this year.
• I’d like to jingle your balls this Christmas
• Light my fire for eight crazy nights!
• My condolences to Santa for having to review all the naughty things you did this year.
• If you’re nice I’ll be naughty
• Do we now our gay apparel…and it’s fabulous!
• I hope spending time with your family for the holidays doesn’t undo all the progress you’ve made with your therapist.
• Lets be naughty and save Santa the trip
• Dear Santa, I’m writing to tell you I’ve been naughty and it was worth it. You fat judgmental bastard!
And my all time favorite!
• Santa’s always so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live!