Weekend Update: Roseanne Roseannadanna on Smoking
Did You Ever Wonder?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to “put your two cents in”…but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?
Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?
At Least They Weren’t Walking Into A Bar
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”
The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.”
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”
Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children. – J. Paul Getty
A man explained inflation to his wife thus: ‘When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you’re 42-42-42. There’s more of you, but you are not worth as much.’ – Lord Barnett
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be. – Rita Rudner
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. – Dorothy Parker
My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. – Errol Flynn
Forget It Lady Just Let Him Die
A married man is at home, when suddenly his chest starts getting extremely tight.
“Honey! Call 9–1–1. I think I’m having a heart attack.”
His wife runs up. “Oh no!! Okay dear… I have your iPhone here. Wait, what’s your pass-code again so I can unlock it?”
“Oh… uhhh… on second thought, I’m… feeling much better.”
Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Buy Someone’s Used Sofa
When the owner says:
1. “That stain was the best fifty bucks I ever made.”
2. “Have you had your shots?”
3. “If you find any fingers in there, pack ‘em in ice and give us a call.”
4. “It’s almost dry, but you may need to wring the cushions out.”
5. “It was a present to my Great Aunt Erma after her bladder surgery.”
6. “It fell off a truck. At least, I figure it did, since we found it by the highway.”
7. “You can have those Fritos.”
8. “I once spent ten days tied to this couch.”
9. “It’s non-flammable, unless you really try.”
10. “It should be clean, we hosed it off.”
11. “Watch that spring, it gave me some nasty scars.”
12. “It can even float for nearly an hour.”
13. “You like the smell of beer, don’t you?”
14. “It’s not supposed to fold out, but it will if you push hard enough.”
15. “I guess olive and orange were popular colors back then.”
16. “It used to be a lot longer.”
17. “You’ll need the brick to keep it level, unless you’ve got a saw.”
18. “Good Will wouldn’t take it.”
19. “Don’t smoke near it.”
20. “You can hardly tell where they hurled.”
21. “The fire hardly touched this side.”
22. “It only smells this way when it’s humid.”
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called – and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog… or senile lady.
He climbed the telephone pole at the front of her house, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house.
The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog chained up in the front yard yelped and moaned… and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that SOME problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Just thought you’d like to know.
Shortest Books Ever Written
1. A Guide to Arab Democracies
2. A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
3. Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean
4. Career Opportunities for History Majors
5. Contraception by the Pope
6. Detroit – A Travel Guide
7. Different Ways to Spell “Bob”
8. Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches
9. Easy UNIX
10. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
11. Everything Men Know About Women
12. French Hospitality
13. Bob Dole: The Wild Years
14. How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
15. Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette
16. Mormon Divorce Lawyers
17. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
18. Popular Lawyers
19. Steeple Your Way to Success
20. Tasty Bile Recipes
21. The Amish Phone Book
22. Successful Methods of Training Cats
23. The Wit and Wisdom of J. Danforth Quayle
24. Famous Republican Philanthropists
25. Evidence of America’s Christian Heritage
26. My Life in Baseball – by Michael Jordan
27. Ethics in Politics by Richard M. Nixon
28. The Cultural Guide to Des Moines
29. The Complete Cookbook of Toast
30. Famous Eskimo Surfers
This Isn’t What It Looks Like I Swear
A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.
His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“This morning I was outside milking. An as soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with her left foot so I tied up her left to a pole.”
“I began to fill up the bucket again and she kicked it down with her right foot, so I tied her right to a pole too.”
“As soon as I finished milking her again she knocked down the bucket with her tail and I took off my belt and tied up her tail with my belt.”
“As I was tying up her tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can’t explain!”
What Advertising Terms Really Mean
NEW – Different color from previous design.
ALL NEW – Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
EXCLUSIVE – Imported product.
UNMATCHED – Almost as good as the competition.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION – No provision for adjustments.
ADVANCED DESIGN – The advertising agency doesn’t understand it.
IT’S HERE AT LAST – Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
FIELD TESTED – Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
HIGH ACCURACY – Unit on which all parts fit.
FUTURISTIC – No other reason why it looks the way it does.
REDESIGNED – Previous flaws fixed – we hope.
DIRECT SALES ONLY – Factory had a big argument with distributor.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT – We finally got one to work.
BREAKTHROUGH – We finally figured out a use for it.
MAINTENANCE FREE – Impossible to fix.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS – Ours, not yours.
SOLID-STATE – Heavy as hell.
LESS FATTENING – Now doesn’t have the same fat content as pig stomach lining.
HIGH RELIABILITY – We made it work long enough to ship it.
NON-REFUNDABLE – We couldn’t make it work long enough to ship it.
FAT FREE – You pay for the food, but the fat is free.
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, ‘Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?’
The parrot says, ‘I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.’
‘Holy crap,’ the guy replies. You actually understood and answered me!’
‘I got every word,’ says the parrot. I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird’
‘Oh yeah?’ the guy asks.
‘Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?’
‘Well,’ the parrot says, ‘this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can’t see it, because of my feathers.’
‘Wow,’ says the guy. You really can understand, and can speak English, can’t you?’
‘Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I’d be a great companion.’
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. ‘Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.’
‘Pssssssst,’ says the parrot, ‘I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!’
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, ‘Psssssssssssst,’ and motions him over with one wing.
‘I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife, and the UPS man.’
‘What are you talking about?’ asks the guy.
‘When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.’
‘WHAT???’ the guy asks incredulously.
‘THEN what happened?’
‘Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,’ reported the parrot.
‘NO!’ he exclaims, ‘and she let him?’
‘Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.’
Then the frantic guy demands, ‘THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?’
DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch!’
If this doesn’t make you laugh, you’re having a really bad day.