Best of British Humor – Married Life
ICE Responds to All That Negative Press
Bad Corporate Slogans
These are fabricated corporate slogans that would never have made if far if they entered the real world.
1. Microsoft: “How much are you going to pay today?”
2. MTV: “Loud and easy to spell.”
3. Saks 5th Avenue: “You Could Shop Here If You’re Poor, But That Would be Stupid!”
4. Iguana: “The other green meat.”
5. Nike: “Just buy the shoes, you flabby spineless lump!”
6. Daisy Air Rifles: “Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years.”
7. Canon Photocopiers: “Quit calling them Xeroxes!”
8. Apple: “Hey, we thought of it first!”
9. Chicago Police Department: Homicide Division: “Our day starts when yours ends.”
10. Professional Bowling on NBC: “Oh, why don’t you just go ahead and kill yourself instead?”
Ode To Spell Checkers
I have a spelling checker.
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.
Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it’s weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a bless sing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too be a joule.
The checker pours o’er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore a veiling checker’s
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we’re lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid to wine.
Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know fault’s with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.
Now spelling does knot phase me,
it does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped word’s fare as hear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should bee proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaw’s are knot aloud.
Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want too pleas.
British Military Officer Fitness Reports
The British Military writes OFR’s (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people’s “206′s”….
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
- I would not breed from this Officer.
- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t-be.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope – always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- This Officer should go far – and the sooner he starts, the better.
- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
“Are you male or female?” Take this test and find out for sure
Aside from getting sterilized, your birth control options are:
b. almost a dozen
When parking your car in a public garage you:
a. toss your keys jauntily to the attendant
b. hand your keys over politely
You haven’t shaved in 4 days. The resulting stubble can be construed as:
At the doctor’s, a common request would be:
b. “Would you like to scoot down just a little more dear?”
As a sporty person, you need athletic support with:
a. one cup
b. two cups
When you’re feeling insecure, what you say to your best friend is:
b. “Do I look fat?”
You’ve slept with several hundred people, one term used to describe you would be:
a. sports legend
The age it hits home that junk food will devastate your body is:
When you hear the words “hand wash,” the first thing that comes to your mind is:
a. your car
b. panty hose
It’s the seventh game of the playoffs, bottom of the ninth, score tied. Bases are loaded with 2 outs. The man at bat has a .338 average against southpaws, and the pitcher is a lefty. Your mate turns to you and says “Do you want a back rub?” You are:
a. too busy screaming at the TV to even hear the question
Your idea of basic pump is:
a. an athletic shoe made by Nike
b. a heeled shoe made by Fayva
Multiple Orgasms are something you:
a = 1 point, b = 2 points
0-12 Congratulations, you are a male. This means you have a greater lean-muscle-to-fat ratio, earn most of the money, and a select few of your sex can look forward to being president someday.
13-24 Congratulations, you are a female. This means you will live longer, have your choice of wearing either pants or a skirt in polite company and a select few of your sex can look forward to being president someday.
Ways To Get Arrested In A Mall With Out Committing A Felony
1. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swane.
2. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.
3. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
4. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, ‘I see London, I see France…’
5. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
6. Play the tuba for change.
7. Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play ‘J@sus Built My Hotrod’.
8. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
9. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will ‘give you a really wicked buzz’.
10. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have ‘any giant crap made out of straw’.
11. ‘Toast’ plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.
12. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
13. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.
14. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing ‘Saved by the Bell’. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
15. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling ‘scratch one flattop!’
16. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are ‘leak proof’.
17. ‘Play’ the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
18. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
19. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they’re real.
20. If it’s Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap.
21. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say ‘Domino’s.’
22. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.
23. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
24. Show people your driver’s license and demand to know ‘whether they’ve seen this man.’
25. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn’t turned blue yet.
Finally An Answer
A chicken and an egg are laying in bed. The chicken is stretched back smoking a cigarette with a very satisfied smile across his face. The egg is frowning and looking extremely frustrated.
The egg says, “Guess we answered that question.”
Things Only Women Understand
10. Cats’ facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
And the number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
The Skier’s Dictionary
Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: “What Zermatter?”
Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skier’s face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.
Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury.
Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident.
Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling technique. It’s good exercise. It doesn’t require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isn’t skiing. See Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.
Cross-Country Something-or-Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculped drift.
Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you’re prepared for the slopes: *Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a flight of stairs. *Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes. *Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.
Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape.
Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.
Inertia: Tendency of a skier’s body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton’s First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws: * Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills. * Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don’t expect to encounter it again in our universe. * When an irresistible force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear.
Pre-jump: Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled pre-fall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a pre-scream and a few pre-groans.
Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins.
Ski! : A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is “Avalanche!” – which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.
Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.
Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, “Why?”
Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.
Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed.
Tree: The other method.
Sounds like a smart judge to me
Raleigh, N.C., judge Don Overby, in several recent cases involving juvenile theft, and destruction of private property has forced the convicted kid to go home, retrieve his own most prized possession, bring it back to Overby’s courtroom, and watch while the judge smashes it up.
Top Ways The Army Is Trying To Boost Recruiting
8. Military transport flights now earn you Delta frequent flier miles
7. Where else can you shoot guns and get awakened in the middle of the night by loud explosions besides New York, Chicago and Detroit?
6. Get rid of all those creepy “Richard Simmons Wants You” posters
5. Intelligence spy satellite may be used to watch television 24 hours a day
4. Superiors may now be addressed as “Dude”
3. Make it so every hand grenade has a creamy nougat center
2. Next mission: all-out invasion of Temptation Island
1. New slogan “Army of One” replaces “Hope You Like Scrubbing Latrines!”