Friday Fun Stuff – 5-4-12

Ellen Celebrates Cinco de Mayo in Style!
From last year but still funny!

President Obama at the 2012 White House Correspondents Dinner

Jimmy Kimmel Hosts the 2012 White House Correspondents’ Dinner

Cinco de Mayo Jokes

Cinco de Mayo is a holiday celebrated by over 80 million Mexicans — and that’s just here in Los Angeles.

Oddly, Cinco de Mayo is more popular here than in Mexico. Cinco de Mayo to us is what David Hasselhoff is to Germany.

Happy Mexican St. Patrick’s Day!

Here’s to the Mexicans for providing us with another holiday to get completely shitfaced.

Cinco de Mayo: A day when white people pretend to care about Mexicans so they have an excuse to drink between Easter and Memorial Day.

I prepared for Cinco de Mayo by Googling dirty Mexican Spanish slang words.

Cinco de Mayo is to non-Mexican people what St. Patrick’s Day is to non-Irish people.

Today, everyone is Mexican. Unless you live in Arizona.

Sorry your Cinco de Mayo puke was caused less by drinking and more by eating Taco Bell.

Here’s to getting piss drunk on a holiday virtually no Americans understand.

As an American I reserve the right to bastardize other country’s Independence Days by getting balls out wasted.

An Irish Joke You’ll Enjoy

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer at the pub and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.

He stumbled home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church by me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

Dirty Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little b@stard.

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
‘What have you got there?’
Said the pie man unto Simon,
‘Pies, you dumb ass’!!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings’ horses,
And all the kings’ men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too ’cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad…
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

An Italian Boys Confession

‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl’.

The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano?’

‘Yes, Father, it is.’

‘And who was the girl you were with?’

‘I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation’.

“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Menotti?’

‘I cannot say.’

‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’

‘I’ll never tell.’

‘Was it Nina Capelli?’

‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’

‘Was it Cathy Piriano?’

‘My lips are sealed.’

‘Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?’

‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’

The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.’

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ‘What’d you get?’

‘Four months’ vacation and five good leads.’

Idle Thoughts Of A Retiree’s Wandering Mind:

  • I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it
  • I had amnesia once—or twice
  • I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart. Now what?
  • Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
  • All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy
  • If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
  • What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
  • They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
  • Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
  • Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
  • One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
  • My weight is perfect for my height–which varies.
  • I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
  • How can there be self-help “groups”?
  • If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
  • Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.
  • Is it me –or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Are You A Real Pilot?

You think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to Hell!

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of a coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the Pilot and asked,

Are you a real Pilot?

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans… flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I’ve taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a Pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, ‘I’m a Lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old Pilot and asked: “are you a real Pilot?”

He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a Lesbian.’

Just A Few

A guy and his wife find an S & M magazine under their son’s bed. Mom says “This is horrible, what should we do?” Dad goes, “Well we can’t spank him!”

2 men were walking down the street when they saw a dog licking himself. One man said “I wish I could do that.” the other man said “you should probably just pet him first.”

Two nuns were riding their bicycles through the back streets of Rome.
One turns to the other and says, “I’ve never come this way before”.
The other nun says, “It’s the cobblestones”.

Q: What sexu@l position guarantees the ugliest baby?
A: Go ask your mom.

The marriage counselor tries to explain to Micky and Minnie Mouse, “Mickey, you and Minnie are married. So you can’t leave her just because you think she’s going insane or crazy.” Mickey says, “Doctor, I didn’t say she was crazy! I said she was fucking Goofy.”

Guy says to his friend “I had the worst Freudian slip today. I mean to ask the girl at the deli for a tart, but I asked her for a tit instead.” His friend responds “I know exactly how you feel. The other day I meant to ask my wife to pass the salt but instead I said “You horrible bitch, you ruined my life!”.

Sayings Of The Jewish Buddha

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.

The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You’ll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself. The Buddha says, There is no self. So … maybe we’re off the hook?

They Walk Amongst Us

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: ‘Free to good home. You want it, you take it.’
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale – $50.’
The next day someone stole it!
They Walk Amongst Us!

I stopped at Mc Donald’s and ordered some fries.
The girl behind the counter said “Would you like some fries with that?”
They Walk Amongst Us!

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted ‘Look at that dead bird!’
Someone looked up at the sky and said ‘Where?’
They Walk Amongst Us!

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she ‘didn’t think she’d get sunburned because the car was moving’.
They Walk Amongst Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.
She keeps it in the car trunk.
They Walk Amongst Us!

I was going out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, ‘Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!”
I had to explain that a person’s nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.
They Walk Amongst Us!

I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office to report the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. ‘Now,’ she asked me, ‘Has your plane arrived yet?’
(I work with professionals like this.)
They Walk Amongst Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone so the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.
He thought about it for some time then said ‘Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
They Walk Amongst Us!

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a fourth time with the same result.
He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail’s pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
You can’t fix stupid.

Things You’ll Never Hear A Woman Say

-What do you mean today’s our anniversary?
-Can our relationship get a little more physical? I’m tired of being “just friends”.
-The new girl in my office is a stripper…I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
-That was a great fart! Do another one!
-I’ve decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
-Can we not talk to each other tonight?
-I’d rather just watch TV.
-Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
-I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.
-And for our honeymoon we’re going fishing in Alaska!
-Honey, does this outfit make my ass look too small?
-Dammit, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there.
-Is that phone for me? Tell those fuckers I’m not here.
-That was fun! When will all of your friends be over to watch football again?
-Honey, come here! Watch me do a Body Shot off of my hot friend Stephanie
-I’m tired of cuddling. !
-You’re so sexy when you’re hungover.
-I love it when you play golf on Sunday’s, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
-No, No, I’ll take the car to have the oil changed.
-Your mother is way better than mine.
-I don’t care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
-Hey you, pull my finger!
-Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
-I think hairy butts are really sexy.
-Let’s subscribe to PLAYBOY!
-I’d rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
-Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let’s go to that new strip joint!
-I’m wrong. You must be right again.

Who Says 300 Miles An Hour Can’t Be Fun For The Whole Family
Congratulations! You’ve Managed To Capture An Unarmed Missionary While A Team Of Green Beret’s Has You All In Their Scopes!
Why You Should Always Check Before You Sit Down
Hey, I’m Not That Kind Of Guy
If Only As A Public Service So No One Else Got Stuck With Them
Gee That Movie Sounds Familiar
This Really Says It All
And People Actually Thought I Had Too Many Computers On My Desk
Oh Yeah The Coffee Really Warms Me Up! I Feel Like I’m In The Tropics Already
Either He’s Not Married OR His Wife Is The Coolest Woman In The World

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