Friday Fun Stuff – 8-30-19

Dumb Luck – A Mickey Mouse Cartoon

Hilarious! Soprano Has Her Song ‘Translated’

Cows And Politics

Do you have two cows?

You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair “Cowgate”.

You have two cows. You feed them sheeps’ brains and they go mad. The government doesn’t do anything.

You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

You are associated with (the concept of “ownership” is a symbol of the phallo – centric, war – mongering, intolerant past) two differently – aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non – specified gender.

Wow, dude, there’s like… these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them world wide.

You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

You have two cows. Both are mad.

You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the journalist who reported the numbers.

You have two cows. You worship them.

Excuses, Excuses

If you think that today’s students aren’t learning all they should, check out some of the writing by their moms and dads. The following are actual excuse notes received by teachers.

“My son is under the doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today,” wrote a parent. “Please execute him.”

“Please excuse Mary for being absent,” wrote another parent. “She was sick and I had her shot.”

Dear School:
• Please eckuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
• Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
• Pleazse excuse Roland from P.E. for a few day. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
• John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
• Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
• Mary could not come to school because she has been bothered by very close veins.
• Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
• Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
• Please excuse pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (several misspellings of diarrhea crossed out) the shits.
• Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
• Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust.
• Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
• I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wear.
• Please excuse Harriet for missing school yesterday. We forget to get the Sunday paper off the porch. and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
• Please excuse my son’s tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I did not find him till I started making the beds.
• Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend a funeral.
• My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marine’s.
• Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
• Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
• Please excuse Burma, she had been sick and under the doctor.
• Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be the flu going around school, her father even got hot last night.

How To Get Her To Divorce You While Making It Look Like Her Fault

When you retrieve your clothes from the closet leave the hanger in place and pull on the clothing until the hanger is mangled enough to allow the article to slip off.

Tell her something for the first time and act shocked that she didn’t know about it. Pout and exclaim, “And you have the nerve to say I never listen to YOU.”

When you know she’s grocery shopping, disappear! Come home just in time to watch her carry the last bag in. Grab the receipt and say, “I’ll get the rest of it for you dear.” Feign surprise when she says that’s it. End with, “This is all you got for how much?”

On the odd occasion you actually clean up a disgusting mess you made, use the best towels in the house.

As your stomach grows just wear your pants lower and flop it over the waistband.
Than brag that unlike your wife, you still wear the same size you did when you got married.

Wait until the night before you go on vacation and say, “Hon, you know the underwear and socks you packed for me? Well the elastic is shot and I need new ones.”

Always leave the shower head at just the right angle to hit her in the face with that jet of cold water when she turns it on.

When doing filthy jobs around the house be sure to wear your good clothes.

Harass her into telling people a story and proceed to interrupt every other sentence with, no that’s not what happened…

Whenever something is ready to break make sure your wife is the next to use it. When it breaks, look at her and say, “What the hell did you do. I never had a problem with it.”

Whenever the dog, cat, or the kids are being cute they’re yours. When they need something, they’re hers.

The Burglar

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house. Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, “STOP! Acts 2:38!” (“Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.”)

As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what has happened. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody.

As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, “Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse.”

“Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an axe and two 38’s!”

Bar Room Chat Translations

1. “You get this one, next round is on me.” (We won’t be here long enough to get another round.)
2. “I’ll get this one, next one is on you.” (Happy hour is about to end…now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be 4.50 a pop.)
3. “Hey, where is that friend of yours?” (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)
4. “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” [female] (I’m easy.)
5. “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” [male] (I’m gay.)
6. “Ever try a body shot?” [male to female] (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)
7. “Ever try a body shot?” [female to male] (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?)
8. “I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” [female] (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)
9. “I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” [male] (I’m horny.)
10. “Who’s got the next round?” (I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)
11. “What do you have on tap?” (What’s cheap?)
12. “Can I have a white Russian?” [male] (I’m really gay.)
13. “Can I have a white Russian?” [female] (I’m really easy.)
14. “That person looks really familiar.” (Did I sleep with him/her?)
15. “Can I just get a glass of water?” [female] (I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
16. “Can I just get a glass of water?” [male] (I’m annoying, and cheap to boot.)
17. “I don’t have my ID on me.” [female] (I’m 19.)
18. “I don’t have my ID on me.” [male] (I don’t have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.8 after my last visit here.)
19. “Excuse Me.” [male to male] (Get the f#@k out of the way.)
20. “Excuse Me.” [male to female] (I am going to grope you now.)
21. “Excuse Me.” [female to male] (Don’t even think about groping me, just get the f#@k out of the way.)
22. “Excuse Me.” [female to female] (Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho. Get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you bitch, like the slut you are.)

The Difference Between Most Men And REAL Men

Real Men….put you on the phone when their mothers call.
Most Men….pretend you’re not there when their moms call.

Real Men…claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.
Most Men…claim to be feminists because they let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.

Real Men…know what they want to be doing five years down the road.
Most Men…are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.

Real Men…really know how to make you relax.
Most Men….really know how to make you laugh.

Real Men…read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.
Most Men…read King, watch The Simpsons, play poker.

Real Men…make a lot of money before they are 30.
Most Men…make a lot of mistakes before they are 30.

Real Men…wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces.
Most Men…wear high school T-shirts they’ve actually owned since high school.

Real Men…think perfume (yours) is a turn-on.
Most Men…think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on.

Real Men…balance their checkbooks.
Most Men…balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.

Real Men…have an doctor, a lawyer, and an accountant.
Most Men…have a barber, a bartender and a mechanic.

Real Men…are afraid of becoming their fathers.
Most Men…are afraid of becoming Real Men.

Real Men…start their own businesses.
Most Men…quit their jobs.

Real Men…order wine based on more than the price.
Most Men…bring their own beer.

So What’s You Excuse For leaving Work Early This Time?

1. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel
2. I’m being sent to the moon by NASA
3. It’s Wal-Mart’s Warehouse Sale
4. My back aches
5. My stomach aches
6. My hair aches (This is more acceptable than “I have a hangover,” especially if offered in the early afternoon)
7. My biological clock is ticking
8. I have to take my biological clock in for service
9. My furnace won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached
10. My central air conditioning won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting freezer burn
11. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won’t stop running The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode
12. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother
13. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister
14. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister’s mother
15. I have to take my mother to the doctor
16. I have to take my minister to the doctor
17. I have to take my doctor to my minister
18. I think I left the iron on
19. I think I left the water on
20. I think I left the refrigerator on
21. I’m getting married, and I have to go pick out rings
22. I’m getting married, and I have to take a blood test
23. I’m getting married, and I have to figure out to whom
24. I have to have my waistband let out
25. I have to have my watchband let out
26. I have to have my son’s rock band let out

Of Wives And Husbands

Special Package for Businessmen
An Airline introduced a special package for Business men.
Buy your ticket, get your wife’s ticket free.
After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives, asking how was the trip.
All of them gave the same reply…”What trip?”

- ———– -
New SIM to Surprise Her Husband
Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room.
She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number:
“Hello Darling.”
The husband responds in a low tone:
“Let me call you back later Honey, my wife is in the kitchen.

Cool Message by a Wife
Dear Mother-in-law,
“Don’t teach me how to handle my children, I’m living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement”

Throwing Knives at Wife’s Picture
Husband was throwing knives at his wife’s picture.
All the knives were missing the target!
Suddenly he received a call from her “Hi, what are you
His honest reply, “MISSING YOU.”

Habit of Talking in Sleep
A lady to doctor: My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep!
What should I give him to cure it?
Dr: Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.

Natural Disasters Just Happen
Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt,
tsunamis to devastate,
hurricanes to swirl around and no one teaches a man how to choose a wife. Natural disasters just happen.

Your Husband Needs Rest
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you !

Miscellaneous Quotes

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most birthdays live the longest.
-Larry Lorenzoni

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.
-Douglas Adams

Substitute “damn” every time you’re inclined to write “very”; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
-Mark Twain

I was once walking through the forest, alone, and a tree fell right in front of me, and I didn’t hear it.
-Steven Wright

Beer is something that you have for refreshment when you don’t want to really drink. It helps men to communicate without making you fall over and beat up your wife and do other terrible things.
-Richard Musson in a news article, on the Russian Duma declaring beer a soft drink

We can lick gravity, but the paperwork’s a bit tougher.
-Wernher von Braun – Father of America’s (and Germany’s) rocket program

Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby in a month.
-Wernher von Braun

Damn it, Smithers, this isn’t rocket science; it’s brain surgery!
-Mr. Burns, “Tree house of Horror II”

The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything; the young know everything.
-Oscar Wilde

I’m glad we don’t have to play in the shade.
-Bobby Jones, golfer, when told it was 105° in the shade

A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
-Douglas Adams

I don’t care to belong to any organization that accepts me as a member.
-Groucho Marx

Top Sexually Slanted Lines from The Star Wars Movies

From Star Wars
10. “Get in there you big furry oaf, I don’t care what you smell!”
9. “Luke, at that speed do you think you’ll be able to pull out in time?”
8. “Put that thing away before you get us all killed.”
7. “You’ve got something jammed in here real good.”
6. “Aren’t you a little short for a storm trooper?”
5. “You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought.”
4. “Sorry about the mess…”
3. “Look at the size of that thing!”
2. “Curse my metal body, I wasn’t fast enough!”
1. “She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid.”

From The Empire Strikes Back
10. “I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.”
9. “Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?”
8. “There’s an awful lot of moisture in here.”
7. “But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cumm…”
6. “That’s okay, I’d like to keep it on manual control for a while.”
5. “Hurry up, golden-rod…”
4. “I must’ve hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?”
3. “Possible he came in through the south entrance.”
2. “And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!”
1. “Control, control! You must learn control!”

From Return of the Jedi:
13. “What could possibly have come over Master Luke? Is it something I did? He never expressed any unhappiness with my work.” (C3PO)
12. “Hey, point that thing someplace else.” (Han)
11. “I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master.” (Emporer)
10. “You’re a jittery little thing, aren’t you?” (Leia)
9. “I never knew I had it in me.” (C3PO)
8. “Someone must’ve told them about my little maneuver at the battle of Taanab.” (Lando)
7. “There is good in him, I’ve felt it.” (Luke)
6. “If I told you half the things I’ve heard about this Jabba the Hutt, you’d probably short circuit.” (C3PO)
5. “I assure you, Lord Vader, my men are working as fast as they can.” (Jerjerrod) with reply “Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them.” (Darth)
4. “Grab me, Chewie. I’m slipping — hold on. Grab it, almost…you almost got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me, Chewie. Chewie!” (Han) with “A little higher, just a little higher.” (Lando)
3. “Short help’s better than no help at all.” (Han)
2. “Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me — now I owe you one.” (Han)
1. “Back door, huh? Good idea!” (Han)

We Have No Idea Of WHAT He Sees In Her!
We Have No Idea Of WHAT He Sees In Her!
Piss Off! I’m Trying To Work Here!
Piss Off! I'm Trying To Work Here!
Give Us A Kiss!
Give Us A Kiss
Well That’s One Way To Remember
Well That's One Way To Remember
It All Starts Innocent Enough
It All Starts Innocent Enough
Why, Did The Dinosaurs Steal Your Remote?
Why, Did The Dinosores Steal Your Remote
For Some Reason Only Men Can Follow This Logic
For Some Reason Only Men Can Follow This Logic
So Much For The British Empire
So Much For The British Empire
I Didn’t Mean That Literally
I Didn't Mean That Literally
If You Still Want To Eat This Crap After Reading This There’s Nothing More I Can Say To Convince You
If You Still Want To Eat This Crap After Reading This There's Nothing More I Can Say To Convince You

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