Remember School House Rock, ‘I’m Just a Bill’?
Here’s the 2021 version
The Problem With Venmo And Your Taxes
We’ll Be Turning Clocks Back Soon
Gaining an extra hour in 2021 is like getting a bonus track on a Yoko Ono album.
Here I sit,
In the hall of vapors.
Last guy in,
Used all the paper!
Found printed on a condom machine. “This is the worst chewing-gum I have ever ate!”
Seen written on a stall in a men’s bathroom: “My wife follows me everywhere.”
Written just below it: “I do not.”
Found this on a condom machine at a local tavern.
“For a full refund, please deposit baby here!”
Women’s bathroom: “We aim to please, Men claim to please.”
One over a Urinal: “We aim to please. You AIM TOO, PLEASE!”
(in a large nasty scrawl) “I fucked your mother!”
(below it in smaller more precise script) “Go home Dad, you’re drunk!”
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY
No excuse…We will no longer accept your doctor’s statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
Other than your own:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with “A” will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.
We appreciate your cooperation,
To whom which none of the above applies!
For Cat Lovers
An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.
At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.
Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
Cat’s motto #1: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
Cat’s motto #2: Bite the hand that won’t feed you fast enough.
Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
Cats aren’t clean, they’re just covered with cat spit.
Cats don’t hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don’t, so that’s all right.
Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Cats know what we feel. They don’t care, but they know.
Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
I had to get rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.
My Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was and I said, “Fried Chicken.”
She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said that she was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do too, especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class the teacher asked me what my favorite LIVE animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed and told me not to do it again.
I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.
Today she asked me what famous military person I admired the most and I said, “Colonel Saunders”.
Guess where the fuck I am now……..
Fun Ways To Order A Pizza
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you’re going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim “Oh, just surprise me!” and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation:
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica’s “Master of Puppets” CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say “crazy bread.”
15. Stutter on the letter “p.”
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino’s, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you’re depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the orderer taker from somewhere. Say “Bed-Wetters’ Camp, right?”
26. Start your order with “I’d like. . . “. A little later, slap yourself and say “No, I don’t.”
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say “OK. That’ll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window.”
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
Putting Your Affairs In Order
Man, I’ll tell ya, women are cold until the end!
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’
The woman was shocked but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
‘Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini.’
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, ‘I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.’ The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, ‘Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??’
‘Because I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.’
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, ‘Putting Your Affairs In Order’
Greeting Cards You Will Never See In The Hallmark Store
1. Front: I heard you have gone deaf.
Inside: I’ll bet you didn’t.
2. Front: I’m sorry to hear you have gone blind.
Inside: See you later, you fu(king b@stard!
3. Front: I’m sorry to hear you are brain dead.
Inside: It’s really not that bad when you think about it.
4. Front: My sympathies on the last of your father’s teeth falling out.
Inside: Well, dadgummit!
5. Front: My condolences on the loss of your arms.
Inside: Write back soon!
6. Front: I’m sorry to hear you have contracted Alzheimer’s disease.
Inside: I’m sorry to hear you have contracted Alzheimer’s disease.
7. Front: I heard that you were very sick.
Inside: I hope that you die painlessly.
8. Front: I heard you were dead.
Inside: I hope it was painless.
9. Front: I heard your whole family got shot.
Inside: So I turned up the volume on the stereo.
10. Front: Congratulations on your first period!
Inside: Let’s go out and paint the town red!
11. Front: Thank God you aren’t pregnant!
Inside: I might have had to admit I’ve had s ex with you.
12. Front: I heard that you attempted suicide.
Inside: Wishing you luck and success in all that you do.
13. Front: After all these years, it was good to run into you again.
Inside: Thank God this time you didn’t leave as much blood on my bumper!
14. Front: I was sorry to hear that your dog ran away.
Inside: Next time try cooking him a little longer.
15. Front: They told me you were constipated.
Inside: No shit?
16. Front: Wishing you a speedy recovery from your accident.
Inside: Look forward to seeing you in court!
17. Front: Get well soon.
Inside: I am sick of walking two miles to get water.
18. Front: Congratulations on finally getting a life.
Inside: Now get ready to lose it.
19. Front: Hot damn!
Inside: I’m sorry to hear that your house burned down.
20. Front: Congratulations on your weight loss!
Inside: It’s a shame you had to saw off your legs to do it.
21. Front: When life deals you a hard blow…
Inside: So can I, big boy.
Why People Hate To Attend High School Reunions
Jan, Sue and Mary haven’t seen each other since High School.
They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York’s leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.
Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.
Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend’s honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses’ aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.
Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg!
Some Interesting Facts
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that’s more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G..!)
A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I’m still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Don’t try this at home; maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. (Honey, I’m home. What the…?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm……..)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.)
A cat’s urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)