I’m Sure None Of This Will Happen At My Wedding
I Know The Speeches At My Wedding Will Be Even Better Then This…
Unfortunately They’ll Probably Be More Embarrassing
Wedding One-liners by the Famous
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)
Keep your eyes wide open before the wedding, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. (Socrates)
A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended. (Evan Esar)
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. (Milton Berle)
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, ‘There’s water in the carburettor’. I said, ‘Where’s the car?’ She said, ‘In the lake’. (Henny Youngman)
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. (Rita Rudner)
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)Wedding Toasts
All marriages are mixed marriages. (Chantal Saperstein)
There’s only one way to have a happy marriage, and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again. (Clint Eastwood)
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)
A Kid’s View On Marriage
What Exactly Is Marriage?
“Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don’t have to give her back to her parents” -Eric, six years old
“When somebody’s been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, ‘I’ll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.’ Then she says yes, but she’s wondering what the thing is and whether it’s naughty or not. She can’t wait to find out.” -Anita, nine years old
How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?
“You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one.” -Kelly, nine years old
“My mother says to look for a man who is kind….That’s what I’ll do….I’ll find somebody who’s kinda tall and handsome.” -Carolyn, eight years old
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
“Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife” -Bert, five years old
How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
“They were at a dance party at a friend’s house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down…It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values.” -Lottie, nine years old
“My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won’t tell me what kind.” -Jeremy, eight years old
What Do Most People Do on a Date?
“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” -Martin, ten years old
“Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love.” -Craig, nine years old
When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
“You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own DVR, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding.” -Allan, ten years old
“Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you….If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.” -Kally, nine years old
The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
“You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan” -Kirsten, ten years old
“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them” -Anita, nine years old
“It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.” -Will, seven years old
A Single Woman’s Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep.
Please don’t send me no more creeps.
Please just send me one good man.
One without a wedding band.
One good man who’s sweet as pie.
Who brushed his teeth and doesn’t lie.
Who dresses neat and doesn’t smell.
And is sexy like my man Denzel.
Is super-rich like Michael J.
On second thought, that’s okay.
Man, if I should die before I wake,
That would truly take the cake;
No matrimony or honeymoon.
No fancy reception planned for June.
No throwing of the wedding bouquet.
Please, God, don’t let me go out that way.
If I die before I meet Mr. Right
I won’t go out without a fight.
But then again with my luck,
He’d probably be just some schmuck.
The single life is not that bad
I know it’s just a passing fad.
I won’t be blue. I will not frown.
Besides, I like my toilet seat down.
No more makeup, won’t comb my hair.
So never mind this stupid prayer.
Master Card Wedding
You got to love this guy…
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University.
It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride’s family and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.
So taped to the bottom of everyone’s chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.
He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8×10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests’ reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, ‘Fuck you!’ Then he turned to his bride and said, ‘Fuck you!’
Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, ‘I’m outta here.’
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge–making the bride’s parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride’s and best man’s reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard ‘priceless’ commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000
Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodation in Maui: $8,500.
The look on everyone’s face when they see the 8×10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.
There are some things money can’t buy, for everything else there’s MASTERCARD
‘Life isn’t like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it’s more like a jar of Jalapenos–what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow……’
Things Not To Say On Your Wedding Night
But everybody looks funny naked!
You woke me up for that?
Did I mention the video camera?
Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
Can you please pass me the remote control?
Do you accept Visa?
On second thought, let’s turn off the lights.
Do you get any premium movie channels?
Try not to smear my make-up, will ya?
But I just brushed my teeth . . .
Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!
Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
Did I remember to take my pill?
But my cat always sleeps on that pillow . . .
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
You’re almost as good as my ex!
Now I know why he/she dumped you . . .
What are you planning to make for breakfast?
I have a confession . . .
You can cook too, right?
Sorry about the name tags, I’m not very good with names.
Don’t mind me . . . I always file my nails in bed.
Wedding Questions And Answers
Q. Is it all right to bring your new girlfriend to the wedding?
A. Not if you are the groom…if you’re the bride then sure!
Q. How many showers is the bride supposed to have?
A. At least one within a week of the wedding.
Q. What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
A. Anything except “Tied to the Whipping Post”.
Q. “When did you know he (or she) was ‘The one’?”
A. “When the paper test strip turned blue”
Q. To the best Man: As a former lover of both the bride and groom, what advice do you have for them?
A. You’ll have to come up with this one on your own.
The Perfect Dress
Sandra’s wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready and she wasn’t going to allow anything to dampen her excitement, not even her parents’ nasty divorce.
Her mother, Theresa, finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER!
Several days later, Sandra was horrified to discover that her stepmother, Caroline, had purchased the same dress. She asked Caroline to exchange the dress, but Caroline refused. “Absolutely not! Caroline exclaimed. “I’m going to wear this dress and I’m going to look like a million in it!”
Sandra told her mother, who graciously replied, “Never mind, dear, I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s YOUR special day, not hers.”
Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Sandra asked her mother, “Mom, what are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don’t have any place to wear it.”
With a sheepish grin, Theresa replied, “Of course, I do, dear! I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!”
Why Smart People Stay Single
1. Single means you have the time to grow and be the person you want to be.
2. Single gives you have space to grow. It is harder to grow when you are too close to someone.
3. Single means learning to live by yourself.
4. Single means freedom.
5. Single means learning not to need a man/woman to make your life meaningful.
6. Single is realizing that being married is not necessarily better.
7. Single means that there could be something wonderful around the corner and you can take advantage of it.
8. Single means you are free to love again.
9. Single means you have more time to care for other people.
1. Marriage is not a word, but a sentence. (A life sentence)
2. Marriage is very much like a violin, after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
3. Marriage is love, love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
4. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s and the woman gets her Masters.
5. Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman’s finger and two under the man’s eyes.
6. Marriage is not just having a wife but also inherited worries forever.
7. Marriage requires a man to purchase 4 types of “Rings” engagement ring, wedding ring, suffe-ring and enduring.
8. Married life is full of excitement and frustration.
In the first year, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
And in the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
9. It is true that love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
10. Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends.
You ordered what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wished you had ordered that.
11. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking, the husband gives and the wife takes.
12. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
He yelled back, “University of Oklahoma.”
And they say blondes are dumb…
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
“I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.”
The woman replies, “I’ll miss you…”
“It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, “honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”
“Probably that I married you for your money,” she replied.
He said – Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said – That’s a good idea… you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals”
A man and his wife, now in their 60′s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger…
Whoosh…immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
Why Do They Wear That?
A little girl at a wedding asked, “Mommy, why do brides always wear white?”
“Because they’re happy,” the mom replied.
Halfway through the wedding, the girl whispered, “Mommy, if brides wear white because they’re happy, then why do grooms wear black?”