Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: New Year’s Eve (Web Exclusive)
Things You Don’t Want To Hear After An Office Party
Whether you love them or hate them, office parties are always memorable. Unfortunately, the memories aren’t always good ones. Here are some things you don’t want to hear the morning after such an experience.
1. “I would’ve never guessed you had a tattoo down there.”
2. “The boss’s wife is on line two. She wants to speak to ‘Pookie-muffin.’”
3. “Who would have thought your rear end would look so funny in a photocopy?”
4. “So…someone posted bail?”
5. “Aren’t those the same clothes you wore yesterday?”
6. “You know, signing your name next to all the graffiti you did wasn’t the brightest idea.”
7. “You owe the company your next two paychecks for everything that you broke last night.”
8. “Come here, we’re watching your performance of ‘Ice Ice Baby’ on the security Video.”
9. “The boss wants to see you…ASAP. He said to bring all of your personal effects.”
10. “I can’t believe you married the cleaning lady!”
Comments Made In The Year 1955!
That’s only 60 years ago!
‘I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $20.00.’
‘Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a used one.’
‘If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.
‘Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?’
‘If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.’
‘When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.’
‘Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.’
‘I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL of DAMN in it.’
‘I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas’.
‘Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the President.’
‘I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.’
‘It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.’
‘It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.’
‘Marriage doesn’t mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.’
‘I’m afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.’
‘Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.’
‘The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.’
‘There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.’
‘No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it’s too rich for my blood.’
‘If they think I’ll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.’
New Years Nerd Resolutions
NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO KEEP IF YOU’RE A NERD
16. I resolve… I resolve to… I resolve to, uh… I resolve to, uh, get my, er… I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning… 4:30 is much more practical.
14. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL… LOL!”
13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
12. I will try to figure out why I “really’ need 9 e-mail addresses.
11. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.
10. I will stop collecting CD’s just to use as wallpaper.
9. I resolve to work with neglected children… my own.
8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.
7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.
6. I will stop using, “So, what’s your URL?” as a pickup line.
5. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*
4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily… well, once a week… monthly, perhaps…
3. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.
2. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.
1. I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.
Yet More Ways To Be Annoying
1. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
2. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
3. Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies.
4. Wear your pants backwards.
5. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
6. Begin all your sentences with “ooh la la!”
7. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
8. only type in lowercase.
9. dont use any punctuation either
10. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
11. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
12. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
13. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
14. Write “X – BURIED TREASURE” in random spots on all of someone’s road maps.
15. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
16. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, its gone now.”
17. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
18. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
19. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
20. Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador.”
21. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
22. When Christmas caroling, sing “Jingle Bells, Batman smells” until physically restrained.
23. Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One.”
24. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
25. Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
An Encounter with the Butcher
The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts. A man intended to stock up. At the store, however, he was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so he complained to the butcher lady.
“Don’t worry,” she said, “I’ll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping.”
Several aisles later, he heard the lady butcher’s voice boom over the public-address system: “Will the gentleman who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store.”
• So this isn’t Home Sweet Home … Adjust
• Martha Stewart doesn’t live here
• Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself
• I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
• If you write in the dust, please don’t date it
• I would cook dinner but I cant find the can opener
• My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it
• I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
• If you don’t like my standards of cooking …lower your standards.
• A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
• Id live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
Customer service representatives answer straightforward pet care and nutrition questions, however some calls can be quite unconventional as follows:
“My cat just came in from the garage and I was wondering…how many calories are in a mouse?”
“I have a neutered male cat. How old should he be before I can breed him?”
“What should I feed a borderline collie?”
“What size litter box do I need to keep my cat comfy?”
“Is it normal for a dog to shed?”
“How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband’s toothbrush?”
“My cat passed a stool on the indoor rug and it’s stuck in the vacuum cleaner. Any suggestions?”
“How can I get the secret recipe for your special dog food?”
“How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?”
“Your food turned my dog into a stud. Now what do I do?”
“Do you know how to toilet train a cat?”
“I have three cats. Is it true that a special brand of cat food makes the poop smell better?”
“Will chewing soda cans remove enamel from my puppy’s teeth?”
“Where can I get a six-toed cat?”
Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered:
* I started out with nothing, I still have most of it
* My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran.
* I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
* Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded
* All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
* If all is not lost, where is it?
* It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
* Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant.
* I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few …
* It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
* Only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
* If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
* When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
* It’s not hard to meet expenses … they’re everywhere.
* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
* Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Performance Evaluation Translations
• A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.
• Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
• Active socially: Drinks heavily.
• Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
• Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
• Average: Not too bright.
• Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.
• Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
• Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.
• Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
• Conscientious and careful: Scared.
• Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
• Consults with supervisor often: Very annoying.
• Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.
• Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
• Displays excellent intuitive judgment: Knows when to disappear.
• Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.
• Enjoys job: Needs more to do.
• Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone.
• Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
Signs You’ve Had Too Much To Drink At The Party
1. You strike a match and light your nose.
2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
3. You hear a duck quacking and it’s you.
4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
6. You hear someone say, “Call a priest!”
7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
10. You tell everyone you have to go home… and the party’s at your place.
11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room… and realize you’re in front of the hall mirror.
14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.