Kevin Bacon Explains The ’80s To Millennial’s
Fifty Shades Of Blue With Selena Gomez
1. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
2. Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.
3. Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
4. Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven’t been able to find anybody who’ll take what I have to give. — Cass Daley
5. Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties who know when to be mute.
6. Marriage is a rest period between romances.
7. Marriage is an institution–but who wants to live in an institution?
8. Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo…
9. Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.
10. Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
11. Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
12. Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
13. Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
14. Marriage still confers one very special privilege – only a married person can get divorced.
15. Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
16. Ancient Curse – May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.
17. Did you ever notice that “Till death do you part” really means “May you never leave your marriage alive.”
18. Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. –H.L. Mencken
19. My other wife is beautiful.
20. My wife doesn’t care what I do away from home, as long as I don’t enjoy it.
21. My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.
My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That’s because it’s unfamiliar territory.
My Boss said to me, “What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.”
My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.
He’s given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.
Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.
“I see you’ve had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you’re under-qualified for our entry level positions.”
“We’re only hiring one summer intern this year and we won’t start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss’ daughter finishes her summer classes.
Boss talking to his staff “I’m sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decisions!”
Boss to his assistant “I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.”
The American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention at the Ramada Hotel when a group of terrorists burst into the conference room. Several hundred lawyers were taken as hostages.
Unless their demands were met, the terrorist leader announced, they would release one lawyer every hour.
Top Ten Indicators That A Redneck Has Been Working On Your Computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is “Huntin”.
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
1. The mouse is referred to as a “critter”.
Giving Up Wine
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, ‘If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?”
‘No, I had to stop drinking years ago’, the homeless woman told me.
‘Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?’ I asked.
‘No, I don’t waste time shopping,’ the homeless woman said. ‘I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.’
‘Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?’ I asked.
‘Are you NUTS!’ replied the homeless woman. I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!’
‘Well, I said, ‘I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.’
The homeless Woman was shocked. ‘Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.’
I said, ‘That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.’
Reasons It’s Good To Be Chemist
- All the coffee and pocket protectors you could want!
- Clark Kent style safety glasses
- Exposure to all kinds of toxic and cancerous substances.
- The “opportunity” to deal with irate clients asking “where are my results?”
- Because it’s pHun
- Access to 100% pure ethanol
- Knowing how to completely dissolve the bodies of your enemies
- You never have to worry about what you’re doing on Friday night (You’re working in the lab)
- Permanent goggle marks cheaper than a tattoo.
- You wish to be blamed for all faults in the environment.
- ditto for cancer
- You are adept at poverty cooking
- You prefer to get your course credits the hard way
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says,
‘Hi… You know, I just HATE drawing welfare checks. I’d really rather have a job.’
The social worker behind the counter says, ‘Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he’ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You’ll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $90,000 a year.’
The guy, wide-eyed, says, ‘You’re Bullshitin’ me!’
The Social Worker says, ‘Yeah, well… You started it.
Stupid Sports Quotes
These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world.
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: “My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.” (1982)
Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: “He wants Texas back.” (1981)
Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: “One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?” (1966)
Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team’s co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: “I’m Going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time.” (1981)
Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed 20 books: “But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet.” (1991)
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: “I’m not allowed to comment on lousy officiating.” (1986)
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: “It’s basically the same, just darker.” (1991)
Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: “I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I’d get shot.” (1996)
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.’ “(1991)
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: “He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.” (1991)
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.” (1987)
Moving to Vegas
A husband arrived home to find his wife heading out the door with her bags packed.
“Where the heck are you going?” asked the surprised husband.
“I’m moving to Las Vegas,” she replied. “I hear I can make $400 a night there doing what I give you for free.”
The husband thought about this for a moment, ran upstairs, and came back down with his bags packed too.
“Just where the hell do you think you’re going?” asked the wife.
“I’m going with you,” he replied. “I’m dying to see how you’re going to live on $800 a year!”
A Human’s Chalkboard Assignments…Courtesy Of Your Dog
1. I will not bathe my dog after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.
2. I will not drag my dog from the interesting sniffing spots.
3. I will not complain “My arm is tired” after only throwing the ball 20 times.
4. I will not confuse my dog by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.
5. I will not ask my dog to play fetch with a boomerang.
6. I will drop whatever I’m doing and take my dog out as soon as he asks me to.
7. I will get rid of those cats.
8. I will not tell my dog to hurry up already when he’s looking for just the right spot to take care of business.
9. I will make ice cream often and let my dog lick the blades (rather than having to steal a lick or two).
10. I will never eat until my dog has tasted what I have and approved it for me.
11. I will set up the kiddie pool every day it’s hot…even in December.
12. I will not leave my dog at home any time I go in the car.
13. I will share everything I eat with my dog.
14. I will allow my dog on the couch.
15. I will protect my dog from that obnoxious little human thing at all times.
16. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.
17. I will not hide my dog’s ball in a place where I know he couldn’t possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it.
18. I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my dog is a good watchdog.
19. I will realize that all my guests are really coming to massage and stroke the dog.
20. I will stop referring to my dog’s necklace as her “collar.”