Psychiatric Counselor – Red Dwarf – BBC
Child Star Psychologist With Kiernan Shipka
10 Sentences That Cashiers Hate
1. It didn’t scan so it must be free!
2. Can I speak to the manager?
3. Do you work here?
4. Can you look in the back?
5. How much is this?
6. Are you open?
7. I just made that $100 bill this morning!
8. This other place has that cheaper!
9. I’ll take my business elsewhere.
10. You close at 9? Luckily I got here at 8:58!
Clear Communication Is Important In A Marriage
A man was working in the garden, and his wife was about to take a shower.
He realized he couldn’t find the rake…and yelled up to his wife
“Where is the rake?”.
She couldn’t hear, so she shouted back, “what?”
He pointed to his eye, and then to his knee and made a raking motion.
His wife wasn’t sure and said “what?”
He repeated the gestures. “Eye – kneed – The rake”
His wife replied that she understands, and signals back.
She first points to here eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell he could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, he went upstairs and asked her, “What the hell was that?”
She replies: “Eve – Left Tit – Behind – The Bush!”
Day Off
So you want the day off? Let’s take a look at what you are asking for….
There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.
With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work.
We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be Damned if you’re going to take that day off!!!
Punishments Need To Be Tailored To The Kid
My mom is yelling at my brother and I overheard this.
Mom: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Brother: That’ s not fair
Mom: DO AS I SAY!
Brother: You never send Lizzie to her room when she’s in trouble!
Mom: Lizzie never leaves her room. If she were in trouble I’d make her sit in the living room or go outside or talk to human beings.
Me: I CAN HEAR YOU!
I’m Looking For Insults So Intelligent You Don’t Realize You’ve Been Roasted Until 4 Thoughts Later
• As an outsider, what are your views on intelligence?
• I wish I lacked common sense, you seem so happy
• I don’t know what’s wrong with you but I bet it’s hard to pronounce
• You state the obvious with such a sense of discovery
• I like how you never let facts get in the way of your opinion
• I admire your courage to speak in the absence of knowledge.
• You’ve mastered the tone of authority without the inconvenience of depth.
• I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
• It’s impossible to underestimate you.
• Between you and me one Of us is smarter than you
• The acoustics in your head must be incredible
• You have the kind of unshakable confidence the usually comes with competence
• As expected by someone who holds a pen with a fist
• Knowing you have the right to vote makes me what to get into politics and change that
• I love how much smarter I feel every time I walk away from a conversation with you
• There is a tree on this planet whose sole purpose is to produce oxygen for you, so go apologize to it.
• I guess common sense isn’t a flower that blooms in every garden
• You might be the only person I’ve ever met that has reached their full potential
• Big Brother would LOVE you
• It’s nice that you’re committed to your level of understanding.
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men have jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love children.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more,’ so she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love children, and are extremely good looking.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Lesser-Known Knights Of The Round Table
• The knight who was afraid to fight: Sir Render
• The knight no one believed: Sir Real
• The knight too big to sit at the table: Sir Round
• The knight who designed the table: Cir Circumference
• The undercover knight: Sur Veillance
• The knight who was never killed in battle: Sir Vivor
• The knight who exceeded expectations: Sir Passed
• The knight who showed up unexpectedly: Sir Prize
• The knight who overcame obstacles: Sir Mount
• The knight who kept the maps up-to-date: Sur Veyor
• The knight who drank too much: Sir Rhosis
• The knight who performed in three rings. Sir Cus
The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form
Dear [____rejectee’s name here_____] I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
[Check all those that apply]
___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.
___ Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald’s reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
___ Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms by the truckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.
___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can’t GET into my pants.
___ Your “Putting on a few, aren’t you babe?” comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate.
___ You failed the credit check.
___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___ The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.
___ You still live with your parents.
___ You mention your ex-girlfriend’s name more than you mention mine.
___ Three words: size does matter.
Sincerely, [Your name here]
Smart Replies To Insults
Insult: “You’re not even that smart.”
Reply: “Smart enough to not argue with fools.”
Insult: “You’ve changed.”
Reply. “I evolve. You should try it.”
Insult: “Nobody likes you.”
Reply: “I’m not an app—I don’t need likes.”
Insult: “You think you’re perfect.”
Reply: “No, I just don’t broadcast my flaws like you do.”
Insult: “You talk too much.”
Reply. “And yet you’re still listening.”
Insult: “You’ll never make it.”
Reply: “Watch me—your doubt is my fuel.”
Insult: “You’re so full of yourself.”
Reply: “Better than being full of negativity.”
Insult: “You’re a joke.”
Reply: “And you’re the awkward silence after.”
Insult: “You’re too sensitive.”
Reply: “And you’re too careless. Balance exists.”
Insult: “You’re a nobody.”
Reply: “Yet somehow I’m still on your mind.”
What Do You Think He’s Reaching For
Man in bed with his wife…
Slides his hand slowly across her shoulders…. across her waist… under her neck… below her neck… under her back… & suddenly stops…..
Wife: (In a romantic voice) Why did you stop???
Man: Got the remote… you can go back to sleep
| Ok, Maybe Two Things |
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| Someone Who Doesn’t Want The Cops Searching For Evidence |
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| At At Least Make Sure He’s Wearing A Helmet |
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| That’s A Good Rule To Follow |
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| We Believe In You! |
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| Great, Now How Do We Make That Pay? |
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| Yeh, It’s Not Just Him |
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| Fine! For The First Picture You Can Were Whatever You Want |
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| What Did You Think Was Going To Happen |
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| No Man Would Want That |
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