Totally Biased: Eliza Skinner’s Sexy Halloween
10 Things That Sound Dirty On Halloween, But Aren’t…
1. So…What’d you get in the sack?
2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!!!
3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!
4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks!
5. I got the best piece from that house.
6. Quit screwing around on the porch!!!
7. Stick your hand in and guess what you’re feeling….
8. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use TWO hands!!
9. They’ll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.
10. I bobbed and bobbed, but couldn’t get my mouth around it!
You Might Be A Republican If…
You think “proletariat” is a type of cheese.
You’ve named your kids “Deduction one” and “Deduction two”
You’ve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
You’ve ever referred to someone as “my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend”
You’ve ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.
You’re a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they’re richer than you.
You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
You call mall rent-a-cops “jack-booted thugs.”
You’ve ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
You’ve ever uttered the phrase, “Why don’t we just bomb the sons of bitches.”
You’ve ever said, “I can’t wait to get into business school.”
You’ve ever called a secretary or waitress “Tootsie.”
You answer to “The Man.”
You don’t think “The Simpsons” is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
You fax the FBI a list of “Commies in my Neighborhood.”
You don’t let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of “sexual deviance.”
You scream “Dit-dit-ditto” while making love.
You’ve argued that art has a “moral foundation set in Western values.”
When people say “Marx,” you think “Groucho.”
You’ve ever yelled, “Hey hippie, get a haircut.”
You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.
Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.
You’ve ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.
You’ve ever said “Clean air? Looks clean to me.”
You’ve ever called education a luxury.
You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
You came of age in the ’60s and don’t remember Bob Dylan.
You own a vehicle with an “Ollie North: American Hero” sticker.
You’re afraid of the liberal media.”
You ever based an argument on the phrase, “Well, tradition dictates….”
You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch “lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn’t want to contribute to society.”
You’ve ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don’t even have shoes.
You confuse Lenin with Lennon.
I wonder if Lady Gaga dresses up as a normal person for Halloween – Me
Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, “Never take candy from strangers.” And then they dressed me up and said, “Go beg for it.” I didn’t know what to do. I’d knock on people’s doors and go, “Trick or treat . . . no thank you.” ~ Rita Rudner
Being in a band you can wear whatever you want–it’s like an excuse for Halloween everyday. ~ Gwen Stefani
Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it. ~ Lindsay Lohan
There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics and the Great Pumpkin. ~ Linus Van Pelt in “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”
I see my face in the mirror and go, ‘I’m a Halloween costume? That’s what they think of me? – Drew Care
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.- Rodney Dangerfield
There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world. – Jean Baudrillard
I’ll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. – Charles Swartz
Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn’t even the star of his own Halloween special.” – Chris Rock
The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It’s unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that’s never been advertised. And there’s a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there’s a ton of it left over. – Lewis Black
What Is Politics?
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”
Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,”
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”
The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”
The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo.”
Top 10 Signs You’re at a Bad Halloween Party
10) Bobbing for Turnips
9) A carved watermelon in the window
8) Most abused substance: Candy Corn!
7) During game of Poker, when you lose a hand, you REALLY lose a hand!
6) No one enters the “Squeal Like A Pig” Room
5) Woman dressed as a witch actually turns the party’s drunk into one of the Budweiser Frogs.
4) Everyone uses one of those Monster Eye Straws from Taco Bell to drink from the punch bowl
3) Instead of “Monster Mash”, host decides to play the HANSON CD non-stop
2) Several scantily clad women standing by a bedroom door give new meaning to the phrase “Trick or Treat”. They’re all transvestites!
1) Roseanne shows up in her Pamela Anderson Baywatch costume
Rules Of Washington
If it’s worth fighting for, it’s worth fighting dirty for.
Don’t lie, cheat or steal…unnecessarily.
There is always one more son of a bitch than you counted on.
An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
Chicken little only has to be right once.
“NO” is only an interim response.
You can’t kill a bad idea.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
The truth is a variable.
A porcupine with his quills down in just another fat rodent.
You can agree with any concept or notional future option, in principle, but fight implementation every step of the way.
A promise is not a guarantee.
If you can’t counter the argument, leave the meeting.
Top Signs That You’re Too Old to Trick or Treat
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, “Great Keith Richards mask!” and you’re not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or…” and can’t remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
Medicare – Part G – Nursing Home Plan
Say you’re a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you.
So, what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older, a gun (Part G), and four bullets.
You are allowed to shoot four politicians.
This means, of course, that you’ll be sent to prison where you’ll receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating & air conditioning, cable TV, library, and all the Health Care you need.
Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart?
They’re all covered.
And as an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!
And, who will be paying for all of this?
The same government that just told you they can’t afford for you to go into a nursing home!
And, you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you’re at it.
And now, because you’re a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any more income taxes.
Is this a great country or what?
Now that we’ve solved your senior financial planning, enjoy your week!
Rules For A Safe And Happy Halloween!
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else’s voice.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it alone.
6. As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
8. If you’re searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it’s just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out!
10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there’s probably a good reason for it. Don’t stop and look around.
12. Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you’re doing.
13. If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you’re in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had 3/4 of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
17. Beware of strangers bearing strange tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.
18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.
19. If you find that:
a. your house is built upon or near a cemetery,
b. was once a church that was used for black masses,
c. had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or
d. had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house,
MOVE AWAY IMMEDIATELY.
Who Are You?
A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“I’m the Devil!” she responded.
“Well, come on home with me,” he said, “I married your sister!”