Monty Python’s Dead Parrot Sketch
Happy Birthday Monty Python
Signs Your Blind Date Won’t Work Out
10. She’s bald and tells you it’s only temporary. She cut it as a precaution because of her sudden lice-infestation.
9. Her beard is heavier than yours.
8. You’re the first person she’s dated who isn’t an extended family members.
7. You pick her up and her dad won’t stop hitting on you.
6. She lets you know that she can’t stay out late because her lesbian girlfriend is coming over later.
5. She kind of resembles Janet Reno – without makeup.
4. You realize the last woman you dated was her mother.
3. She wants to stop by the hospital and visit her previous date in the isolation ward.
2. She says something about her last blind date becoming a monk.
1. Now that she’s pregnant, she wants to settle down with a nice person like you.
Things actually said in court:
Judge: I know you, don’t I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
From a defendant representing himself…
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I’m the guy who stole the chickens.
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That’s not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too.
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can’t they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn’t interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant’s motion?
Public Defender: I’m sorry, Your Honor. I wasn’t listening.
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
“If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”
“A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”
“A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”
“Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”
“Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”
“He’s got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”
“If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
“If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”
“If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”
“One neuron short of a synapse.”
“Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”
“Takes him 2 hours to watch ’60-minutes’.”
“The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead”
A man owned a small business in Georgia, The Employment Department of Georgia claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help, and sent an agent to interview him.
“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.
“Well, there’s my Mechanic who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week”
“The Mechanic’s helper has been here for 18 months, and I pay him $500 a month.”
“Then there’s the half-wit that works about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I buy him Cigarettes & Beer,” replied the Owner.
“That’s the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit,” says the agent.
The Owner says, “That would be me.”
Laws Of The Natural Universe
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. Works every time … this also works at the supermarket!
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what the hell you are talking about.
Brown’s Laws: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly. If you paid a lot for it, you will wear it.
Oliver’s Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet. If you keep quiet no one can tell how stupid you are.
Law of Progress: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Skiing Out Of Control
The following is an actual event reported in a Nebraska newspaper:
A friend just returned from a holiday ski trip to Colorado where the conditions were perfect — 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, and a “tell me when we’re having fun” kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.
If you’ve ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn’t help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off into the woods. “No one would ever notice,” he assured her. The white would provide more than adequate camouflage. So, she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing.
If you’ve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to “set” your skis so you don’t move. Yup, you’ve got it. She had them positioned wrong. Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and onto another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued on backward, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for other skiers.
The woman skied, if you use the term loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her embarrassment, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to the hospital.
In the emergency room, she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. “So, how’d you break your leg?” she asked … making small talk.
“It was the darndest thing you ever saw,” he said. “I was riding up the ski lift, and suddenly I couldn’t believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes, and her pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn’t realize how far I’d moved. I fell out of the ski lift! — So, how’d you break your arm?”
Signs You Are Getting Old:
• You find yourself listening to talk radio.
• You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
• The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
• You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
• You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.
• You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
• You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
• You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
• When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
• When jogging is something you do to your memory.
• Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
• All the cars behind you flash their headlights.
• You remember the “Rolling Stones” as a rock group not a corporation.
• You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son’s new running shoes.
• You actually ASK for your father’s advice.
• You don’t know how to operate a fax machine.
• When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.
Arkansas Love Poem
Susie Lee done fell in love,
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy ’bout it all,
She told her Pappy so.
Pappy told her, “Susie Gal,
You’ll have to find another.
I’d just as soon yo’ maw don’t know,
But Joe is yo’ half-brother.”
So Susie put aside her Joe,
And planned to marry Will.
But, after telling Pappy this,
He said, “There’s trouble still.
You cain’t marry Will, my gal,
And please don’t tell yo’ mother,
But Will and Joe and several mo’
I know is yo’ half-brother.”
But Mama knew and said “My Child,
Just do what makes yo’ happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe,
…you ain’t no kin to Pappy.”
Twenty Things My Mother Taught Me
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3. My mother taught me LOGIC. “Because I said so, that’s why.”
4. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
5. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
6. My mother taught me IRONY. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
7. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
8. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
9. My mother taught me about STAMINA. “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
10. My mother taught me about WEATHER. “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
11. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
12. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. “Just wait until we get home.”
13. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. “You are going to get it when you get home!”
14. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
15. My mother taught me HUMOR “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
16. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
17. My mother taught me GENETICS. “You’re just like your father.”
18. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
19. My mother taught me WISDOM. “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
20. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you
Just Like Home
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the
same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are
tired and fall asleep quickly…he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m
sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to
get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replies. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”
“Wow! That’s a great idea!!” he exclaims.
“Good,” she replies. “Get your own damn blanket!”
After a moment of silence, he farted.