I Appreciate Teachers So Hard
And I am so glad my kids are only in daycare!
Top 10 Reasons Beer Is Better Than Religion
10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn’t tell you how to have sex, or not to.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don’t force Beer on minors who can’t think for themselves.
6. When you have a Beer, you don’t knock on people’s doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody’s ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
4. You don’t have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can’t lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you’ve devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.
Dear Abby admitted that she was at a loss to answer the following:
Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my DVR?
Dear Abby, I have a man I can’t trust. He cheats so much, I’m not even sure the baby I’m carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby, I’ve suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn’t know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
Remember, these people can vote…which explains a lot!!
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, ‘Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.’
The priest said, ‘Confess your sins and be forgiven.’
The young woman said, ‘Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.’
The priest thought long and hard and then said, ‘Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.’
The young woman asked, ‘Will this cleanse me of my sins?’
The priest said, ‘No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.’
Top Things PMS Stands For
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make Me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
Computer Problem Report Form
1. Describe your problem:
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
4. Problem Severity:
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse? Yes__
10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
11. Are you sure you’ve read the manual? Yes__ No__
12. Are you absolutely certain you’ve read the manual? No__
13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
14. If `Yes’ then why can’t you fix the problem yourself?
15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? __________________
16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
17. If “nothing” explain why you were logged in.
18. Are you sure you aren’t imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
19. How does this problem make you feel? ____________________________
20. Tell me about your childhood. ___________________________________
21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__
22. Can’t you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__
Thank you for taking the time to fill out our Computer Problems Form. Please allow 1 week response time so that the problem will resolve its self or you will reboot your computer, most likely resolving the issue.
1. Alcohol does not solve your problems but neither does milk.
2. Life is too short to remove USB safely.
3. Sometimes when I blink, I cannot see.
4. If all is not lost, where is it?
5. I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
6. Where there’s a will, there are five greedy relatives willing to fight over it.
7. Love is like gasoline, it’s expensive, ends quick, and can be replaced by alcohol.
8. Warning: dates on this calendar are closer than they appear.
9. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
10. Leadership is the ability to hide your panic from the world.
11. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.
12. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.
13. We can see other people’s problems more clearly than our own.
14. Don’t worry, if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
15. With great power comes great electricity bills.
16. Don’t steal, the government hates competition.
17. Money doesn’t buy you happiness, but it’s nicer to cry in a Mercedes than on a bike.
18. Warning: I know… KARATE and few other Oriental words.
19. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
20. Letting the rabbit out of a bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back.
21. Friday is my second favorite F word.
22. Group projects in school, making me understand, why Batman prefers working alone.
23. If you want to earn money with the help of Facebook, go to its settings, delete your account and start working.
24. Tell a man, that there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he will believe you, tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he will have to touch it to be sure.
25. My Internet is so slow, it is just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them the shit in person.
A Women’s Glossary
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, “made the dinner.”
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n
Gotta get married in a church.
Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say “focus,…breath…push…”
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See “Magician.”
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n
Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.
Lipstick (lip*stik) n
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…!
Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also “tranquilizers.”
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
The Drunkard’s To Do List
The idea is to cross every item off this list. Of course if you do that, your liver will give out before you can actually tell anyone about it. But go ahead, give it a shot. Just don’t ask me to go with you.
1. Open and close a bar.
2. Go on a bender.
3. Drink a fifth of hard liquor, by yourself, in one day.
4. Dance like a fool in front of a large hooting crowd.
5. Spend a night in the drunk tank.
6. Get drunk on the grave of your hero.
7. Buy a crowded bar a round.
8. Embark on an impromptu road trip.
9. Get 86’d from a bar.
10. Extravagantly over tip a bartender.
11. Walk up to an attractive stranger way out of your league and buy him or her a drink.
12. Moonlight for at least a week as a bartender.
13. Make your own beer, wine or moonshine.
14. Buy, build or steal a home bar.
15. Get carried home by your drinking buddies.
16. Try absinthe.
17. Start your long-awaited and very personal autobiography: “Me and the Booze: A Love Story.“
18. Visit the source of your favorite beer, wine or liquor.
19. Drunkenly watch the sun come up with your best boozing buddies and a bottle.
20. Sit in on an A. A. meeting. Heckle the speaker.
21. Hit a dozen bars in one night.
22. Try at least one hundred different drinks.
23. Get loaded in the land of your forefathers.
24. Juice on the job.
25. Split a magnum of expensive champagne with your true love.
26. Spend half a paycheck on a single bottle of liquor.
27. Get loaded and tell your boss exactly how you feel.
28. Learn at least one traditional drinking song.
29. Eat a pickled egg from the big jar.
30. Go on a fishing trip with your pals.
31. Eat the worm.
32. Go to your place of worship loaded.
12 Lines To Get Out Of Jury Duty
1. I can tell if people are guilty just by looking at them.
2. I am really attracted to you, Your Honor.
3. If a police officer told me I was a bug, I’d believe him
4. I think laws are for sissies.
5. Would I have to bathe?
6. Can each of my personalities vote in the deliberation?
7. My religion specifically prohibits me from sitting near other people.
8. Your marshal’s handcuffs are turning me on.
9. A pit bull named [defendant's first name] just killed my baby.
10. I have Tourette’s syndrome, you %@&%@ %#@$%.
11. I get dizzy if I try to weigh evidence.
12. An eye for an eye. I say we take his head for an eye (point at defendant).
George Carlin Quotes
• As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
• Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
• I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
• I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
• I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
• Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.
• Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
• They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?