The Naked Balloon Dance
TGI Fridays In Manchester England
These guys spend way too much time at work.
Top Ten Signs Herman Cain Is Losing It
10. Plans to raise funds by suing himself for sexual harassment
09. Now smokes more than his campaign manager
08. Was recently found hiding in a drainpipe with a golden gun
07. Keeps asking voters if they want to touch his mustache
06. Claims Justin Bieber is his father
05. Campaigning as his hilarious alter ego, Pee-Wee Herman Cain
04. Just paid a visit to Dr. Conrad Murray
03. Spent last of campaign funds betting on the Colts
02. Gave rambling, drunken speech — oh I’m sorry, that was Rick Perry
01. He’s engaged to Kim Kardashian
How To Wash A Toilet
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ‘power-wash’ and rinse’.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home.
Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
New Airport Security System
The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.
It’s an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.
You’re in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: “Attention to all standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight 670 to London.
Funny Facts About Women
1. Women never have anything to wear. Don’t question the racks of clothes in the closet; you ‘just don’t understand’.
2. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, ‘How do I look?’
3. Women can’t keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don’t view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
4. Finally, when an act of love ends, women do not feel like sleeping. They feel like talking and kissing.
5. Seventy percent of women would rather have chocolate than sex
6. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
7. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party.
8. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he’ll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she’ll pack 21 outfits because she doesn’t know what she’ll feel like wearing each day.
If your even the least bit offended by anything move on to the next joke. I’m not kidding.
(1) I’m living next door to an Iranian couple at the moment. They have three little kids and they’ve challenged me to a water fight in the back yard, so I’m just writing to you while I’m waiting for the kettle to boil….
(2) Can you spare just $2.00…? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video – its fu(king hilarious.
(3) I’ve caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is, “good morning you ugly prick?” It’s not yours is it?
(4) I’m sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had one from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful.
(5) Been to the optometrist today – he told me I was color blind. I’m fu(kin’ worried now that some of my buddies could be black. If you are, can you delete my e-mail address?
(6) There’s a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagain.
The Vanilla Pudding Robbery
This is just too funny not to share. It’s an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery.
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe’s combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank’s audio tape system, one robber said, ‘At least we’ll have a bit to eat.’
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:
‘IRELAND’S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING’
I have a lifetime contract. That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.
Trying to sneak a pitch past Hank Aaron is like trying to sneak the sunrise past a rooster.
-Joe Adcock, Milwaukee Braves first baseman
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
I met a guy who was half Italian and half Chinese. His name was Video Pong.
It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
Statistics always remind me of the fellow who drowned in a river whose average depth was three feet.
-Woody Hayes, Ohio State football coach
My wife made me a millionaire. I used to have three million.
I had a better year than he did.
-Babe Ruth, on why President Hoover made less than the $80,000 Ruth was demanding in 1930
All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, “See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.”
-Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers pitcher
There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on.
The good thing about stereotypes is they’re usually true.
We seem to have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?
Last season we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play.
-Harry Neale, NHL coach
I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad you’re having trouble.
How do these celebrities stay so impossibly thin? Simple: They have full-time personal trainers, who advise them on nutrition, give them pep talks, and shoot them with tranquilizer darts whenever they try to crawl, on hunger-weakened limbs, toward the packet of rice cakes that constitutes the entire food supply in their 37,000-square-foot mansions. For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).
I left because of illness and fatigue. The fans were sick and tired of me.
-John Ralston, former Denver Broncos coach
I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them.
The best way to turn a woman’s head is to tell her she has a beautiful profile.
It is best to read the weather forecasts before we pray for rain.
Philosophy consists very largely of one philosopher arguing that all other philosophers are jackasses. He usually proves it, and I should add that he also usually proves that he is one himself.
Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”
Winston Churchill: “Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.”
Nancy Astor: “Sir, if you were my husband, I would give you poison.”
Churchill: “If I were your husband I would take it.”
Blind people come to the park just to listen to him pitch.
-Reggie Jackson, on Tom Seaver
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.
TV Interview Gone Wrong
In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter.
The interview was as follows:
The lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?”
The farmer stared at the reporter and said, “Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?”
Reporter (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that’s a new piece of information but what’s the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”
Farmer: “And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”
Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”
Farmer: “I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your t!ts twice a day…. and only screw!ng you once a year, wouldn’t you get mad?”
The program was never aired….
A man calls 911 and says “I think my wife is dead”. The operator says, “How do you know?” He says “The s@x is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!”
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest pen!s she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg.”
My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker. Well… she’s not exactly my girlfriend…yet.
Went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine… until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think it’s time to change dentists?
A wife says to her husband that “You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” And he says “What do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair!”
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You obviously haven’t been listening.”
My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
I’ve heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children’s-oriented iPod after realizing that ”iTouch Kids” is not a good product name.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles… but at least they drive slowly past schools.
A buddy of mine has just told me he’s getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said “How can you tell them apart?” He said “Her brother’s got a mustache.”
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we’d love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.
A Practical Example Of How The Human Mind Works
In the picture below, we will analyze what it represents to different groups of people.
Read the analysis after the photo…
- For young men, this woman has a nice ass. The really observant will also notice the thong.
- For older men, it’s a respectable woman (with a nice ass) crossing the street.
- The perverts will imagine her as a naked woman.
- The wise man will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer in the face of such beauty and gratitude that it was shared with humanity.
- For half of the women, this is a fairly ordinary woman who never should have left house dressed that way.
- The other half is wondering where she bought that blouse.
- The wise woman imagines the misery that dressing like this (while wearing a girdle) will be if she were to do it when she gets older.
- Children, gay men and eunuchs will probably notice a dog driving the taxi…
Don’t be alarmed, I didn’t see the dog either.
Far And Balanced My Ass
Finally A Protest Movement I Can Believe In
We Never Liked That Big Bird!
And After You Skin Them They Make Great Pillows
They Wouldn’t Have Said It If Someone Hadn’t Had Done It
What, You Said The Drive Thru Was Open
Of Course She Caught It All By Herself Why Do You Ask?
I Didn’t Know Planes Could Light A Fart
This Is What Happens When You Pay City Workers Minimum Wage
Who Said Baseball Wasn’t A Violent Sport