Kelly’s Country Kitchen
How Being In Public Feels: Men VS Women
Reasons For Being Fired From Walmart’s Toy Department
13. A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector set, if you know what I mean.
12. Every time you’re passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to “end it all.”
11. You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks.
10. Numerous parental complaints about your “Tickle Me Carl The Stock Boy” display.
9. You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer.
8. Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they’re the new “Jerry Springer” edition.
7. The “My Little Taxidermy Kit” (with starter squirrel) is not selling.
6. Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically correct.
5. Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again.
4. Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel.
3. Caught hocking phlegm into tykes’ hands and telling them it was “homemade Gack.”
2. Your sales display, “Barbie’s Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu” was not exactly an overwhelming success.
1. Regardless of the question, you answer, “Bite me, kid — I’m on break.”
The Last 10 Things Men and Women Would Say
The Last 10 Things Any Man Would Ever Say
10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool m@therf*$ker.
9. While I’m up, can I get you a beer?
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Her t!ts are just too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. The chick in “Murder She Wrote” gives me a woody.
4. Sure, I’d love to wear a c@ndom.
3. We haven’t been to the mall in ages. Let’s go shopping and I can hold your purse.
2. F@*k “Monday Night Football,” let’s watch “Oprah”.
1. I think we’re lost, we’d better pull over and ask for directions.
The Last 10 Things Any Woman Would Ever Say
10. Could our relationship be more physical? I’m tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it’s easier for me to douche that way.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don’t throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpits are just too cute.
5. This diamond is just way too big.
4. I won’t even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches.
2. Does this outfit make my butt look too small?
1. I’m wrong, you must be right again.
Fun Things To Say At A Job Interview…Go Ahead And Try It We Dare Ya
See photo of interviewer’s family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.
Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; ‘Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.’
Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: ‘The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don’t ya’ think?’
After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, ‘Of course I was totally hammered at the time.’
Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.
Claim you wouldn’t even need a sit-in job if Al Einstein hadn’t stolen your secret patent for ’2000 Flushes’.
Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.
Ask if it’s O.K. that you sit on the floor.
Allow that you would have little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.
Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you’re not leaving.
Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn’t feel like making anything else up.
Ask the secretary if she’ll sit on your lap during the interview.
Walk into interviewer’s office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; ‘NOW we can begin.’
Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; ‘smell these, these smell funny to you???’
Upon walking in to the office for first time, ask receptionist to hold all your calls.
More Great Things To Do In A Library
• Bring a bottle of squirtable mouth freshener, and miss every time you try to spray it into your mouth.
• Wear A LOT of putrid smelling cologne or perfume.
• Spill that same cologne or perfume on their book.
• Put down your book, then say, ya wanna trade?
• Bring a recording of very obnoxious music, and hide it in a bag. Turn it up full blast, and accuse them of having it. Keep accusing them, then get the librarian to come. When they find it in your bag, yell, “IT WAS PLANTED ON ME I TELL YOU!!!!! IT’S NOT MY FAULT!! IT’S A GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY!! ALIENS BEAMED IT INTO MY BAG!!! IT’S BECAUSE I DIDN’T’T LET THEM DO EXPERIMENTS ON ME!!
• Without looking away from your book, say to no one in particular, “I know what you did last summer.
• Bring a piece of bread, and drop pieces of it down the little hole in the center of the table meant for cords.
• While reading your book, start humming a single note until you’re out of breath, then collapse on the floor. Then get back up, and continue reading like nothing happened.
• Start singing his is the song that never ends.
• While placing small pieces of bread in a line, count one, two, three. . ., and lose count every ten or so.
• Bring a recording of a popular song. Play it on headphones quietly, but sing along very badly. Then say to the person next to you, “I took singing lessons!
• Turn to the person sitting next to you and say to them, Hey! How ya doin? That’s great, me too.
• Instead of a laptop, bring your entire computer!
• While working at a laptop, suddenly stand up, and announce to every one, “I have mail!!
• Start staring at the person, and when you have their attention, announce, “I measure sock by thickness!
• Turn to the person next to you, and ask them to pronounce their name backwards. When they ask you why, tell them that you are looking for hidden messages.
• State proudly that you have been to the there side. Give no explanation.
• Suddenly grasp your heart, let out a wail, and fall to the ground. Then get back up like nothing happened.
• Collapse on the floor. Then get up like nothing happened. When the person next to asked what is wrong, look at him/her with an inquiring look on your face, and say, “What do you mean?
• Say, “It always starts so weird, and they do it so weird.? When they ask, “What?” say, “Oohh, sorry. I’m back now.”
The Importance Of Typos In History
There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.
As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace.
“Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during you life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted complete access to all parts of heaven.”
“You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment. Is there anything which your holiness desires?”
“Well yes,” the Pope replied. “I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time.”
Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man’s relationship with God.
Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the saints and angels came running to the Pope’s side to learn the cause of his dismay.
There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on the parchment, repeating over and over, “Celebrate, not Celibate!”
Ways To Freak People Out in an Elevator
1. When the elevator doors close, exclaim loudly “Don’t be alarmed folks, the doors will open again shortly”.
2. Press all of the buttons in the elevator when you get out – especially when other people are still in it.
3. Introduce your imaginary friend. And have a conversation with them.
4. Stand at the front of the elevator, facing the back. [If you are the first person in the elevator to do this, others will probably follow your lead]
5. Exclaim to all in the elevator! It’s started raining!” then open your umbrella.
6. Ask everyone what their e-mail addresses are then tell them there’s too many dot’s in them.
An Irish Joke
A sobbing Mrs. Murphy approaches Father O’Grady after mass.
He says: “So what’s bothering you?”
She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”
“Certainly father,” she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”
1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “What would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this –ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16 I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller or Bud than Kay.
Government Virus – Nothing seems to get better, but all the elected officials say it’s getting better.
Political Virus – Doesn’t actually do anything, but you can’t get rid of it until the next election.
Econometrician Virus – Sixty percent of the economies infected will lose 17 percent of their GDP 12 percent of the time (+/- a 2% margin of error).
Marxian Virus – Helps your economy go into a depression whenever it wants to.
Environmental Virus – Before allowing you to fix the recession, it first asks you if you’ve considered the alternatives.
Chinese Virus – Crashes your economy, but denies it ever happened and calls you a liar.
AIG Virus – Makes sure it’s too big to fail, while crashing everything else.
Stimulus Virus – Puts your economy in a recession for four years. When you finally recover, you’re 10 trillion more dollars in debt.
Real News Headlines
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.
Include your Children when Baking Cookies – Because kids taste really good!
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted – Whip those kids that will teach them!
Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus? – Now that’s just dirty.
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope – How much did they charge him?
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over – What a guy!
Eye Drops off Shelf – Hey, I’ve been looking for that thing!
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids – If there just sitting around, hit um!
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim – The dog’s just too old to do it himself
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax – I told you that mad cow disease was spreading
Stolen Painting Found by Tree – Those trees are just after the reward money.
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years – Only in the American justice system does it take this long to kill someone.
War Dims Hope for Peace – it’s an oldy but a goody!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures – You didn’t go to school for meteorology did you?
Dear Kill 17,000 – Damn mass murdering dear!
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction – Let me guess it cost him an arm and a leg! (Sorry it was just too easy) ;~(
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft – It was probably something he ate
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks – Tasty too!