Romney Sings Concession!!!
Steve Martin’s Penis Beauty Creme
Unlikely Barney Episodes
1. “BARNEY GETS A BONER”
2. “BARNEY’S NIGHT WITH MADONNA”
3. “BARNEY, BEAVIS & BUTTHEAD”
4. “BARNEY DOES SNUFFELUPIGUS”
5. “JURASSIC BARNEY”
6. “BARNEY TALKS TO THE AUTHORITIES ABOUT MISSING CHILDREN”
7. “BARNEY GETS THE LAB RESULTS ON THOSE GREEN SPOTS”
8. “BARNEY BUYS A RUBBER”
9. “BARNEY BARBEQUES THE BACKYARD GANG”
10. “PICKING UP THE DINO-DOO”
11. “BOPPING BABY BOP”
12. “BARNEY’S FAVORITE SAILOR SONGS”
13. “BARNEY COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET”
14. “BARNEY MEETS GODZILLA”
15. “BARNEY ON A BENDER”
16. “BARNEY HAS NEEDS…”
17. “BARNEY AT BETTY FORD”
18. “BARNEY ADMITS EATING ALL THE ADULTS”
19. “BARNEY’S BIG PURPLE ONE”
20. “BARNEY BUYS A BLOW-UP DOLL”
21. “BARNEY DOES IT DOGGIE-STYLE”
Forms Of Capitalism
Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
German Capitalism: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.
British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad.
Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute…
Hindu Capitalism: You have two cows. You worship them.
Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
Note this is an exact replication of National Public Radio interview between a female broadcaster and US Army General Reinwald, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your post?
GENERAL REINWALD: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers!
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one … are you?
Things You Do Not Want To Hear From Tech Support
1. “Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?”
2. “…that’s right, not even McGyver could fix it.”
3. “So…what are you wearing?”
4. “Duuuuuude! Bummer!”
5. “Looks like you’re gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap’n.”
6. “Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you’re with ’60 Minutes’. Press 3 if you’re with the FTC.”
7. “We can fix this, but you’re gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.”
8. “I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
9. “In layman’s terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.”
10. “Hold on a second… Mom! Timmy’s hitting me!”
11. “Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of ‘Dianetics’.”
12. “Please hold for Mr. Gates’s attorney.”
Top 10 Man-Gina/She-Dick Activities
Things a man would do if he woke up with a vagina
10. Immediately go shopping for a vibrator
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half
8. See if he could finally do a split
7. See if it’s truly possible to launch a ping-pong ball 20 feet
6. Cross his legs without rearranging his crotch
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 20 minutes
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too
1. Finally find that damn G-Spot
Things a woman would do if she woke up with a penis
10. Get ahead faster in the corporate world
9. Get a blowjob
8. Find out what is so fascinating about “beating the meat”
7. Pee standing up
6. Determine WHY you can’t hit the bowl consistently
5. Find out what it is like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm
4. Touch/shift herself in public without a thought as to how improper it might seem
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction that occurs between a man’s eyes and the ruler situated next to his member, which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement
1. Repeat #9
The Old Indian Chief
An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.
“Chief Two Eagles,” asked one official, “you have observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his material wealth. You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done.”
The chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?”
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, “When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex.”
Then the chief leaned back and smiled, “White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.
You Know It’s Going To Be A Bad Day When…
1. You see a “60 Minutes” news team waiting in your office.
2. You turn on the news and they’re showing emergency routes out of the city.
3. Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
4. Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway.
5. Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
6. You wake up and your braces are locked together.
7. You call your answering service and they tell you it’s none of your business.
8. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
9. Your income tax check bounces.
10. You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
11. Your pet rock snaps at you.
12. Your wife says “Good morning, Bill” and your name is George.
13. The bird singing outside of your window is a vulture.
14. You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
15. Your four year old tells you that its almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
Types Of Boyfriends And Girlfriends
First The Boyfriends
1. Joe Sensitive – “After I wash the dishes, let’s cuddle, OK?”
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
2. Old Man Grumpus – “People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let’s stay home and watch TV.”
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
3. Flinchy – “I–I’m sorry for whatever it was I did.”
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
4. Bigfoot – “Shut yer trap, I’m thinkin’.”
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big ‘n’ Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
5. Lazybones – “Zzzzzz”
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams
6. The Sneak – “Who, me?”
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
7. Ace of Hearts – “After I wash the dishes let’s make love like crazed weasels, OK?”
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
8. The Dreamer – “Someday I’m going to be rich and famous. I don’t know how, but–”
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into “Old Man Grumpus”
9. Mr. Right – “While the servants wash the dishes, let’s make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?”
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman’s prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
And Now The Girlfriends
10. Ms. Nice Guy – “Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn’t have!”
Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday
11. Old Yeller – “You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can’t you see you’re making me miserable??”
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
12. Sickly – “Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite.”
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
13. The Bosser – “Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don’t give me that look.”
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
14. Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied – “I just can’t decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?”
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C’mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
15. Wild Woman out of Control – “I’ve got an idea. Lez get drunk an’ make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S’fun.”
Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
16. Huffy – “I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at.”
Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends
17. Woman from Mars – “I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship.”
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
18. Ms. Dreamgirl – “I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!”
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you
What Famous People Said
“There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do.” Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)
“Things you’ll never hear a woman say: ‘My, what an attractive scrotum!’ Patricia Arquette
“And God said: “Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan.” George Burns
“Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.” Carmen Boyle (Olympic gold medalist in luge, 1966)
“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.” Sharon Stone
“My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she’s reading.” Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
“My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee, the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.” Dan Rather (News anchorman)
“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, ‘Thyroid problem?” Arnold Schwarzenegger
“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” Tiger Woods
“I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I’m more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.” Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
“I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.” Axel Rose (Guns’n’Roses)
“Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.” Rev. Jesse Jackson
“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” Jack Nicholson
“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.” Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” Robin Williams
“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.” Roseanne
“In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women’s breasts?” Hugh Grant
“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?” Dustin Hoffman
What To Say To Telemarketers
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, “How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?”
If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died….” When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.
If the person says he’s Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
This one works better if you are male:
Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with Canter and Siegel services….
You: “Hang on a second.” (few seconds pause) “Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?”
Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, “Judy!! Is this really you? I can’t believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
Say, “No,” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they’re trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, “I don’t have any friends…would you be my friend?”
If they clean rugs: “Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood – chicken blood too?”
Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional “Uh-huh, really, or, “That’s fascinating.” Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn’t give your credit card number to someone who’s a complete stranger.
Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example:
Telemarketer: “This is Bill from Watertronics.”
You: “Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?”
Telemarketer: “Uh, Dallas, Texas.”
You: “Great, they have a group there too? How’s business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya.”
Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, “Well, I don’t really want to get a call at home,” say, “Ya! Now you know how I feel.” (smiling, of course…)