A Surprise Visit To The Carol Burnett Show
George Carlin Jokes
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man, living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
“No comment” is a comment.
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Get on the plane, get on the plane. I say, FUCK YOU! I’m getting IN the plane! Evel Knievel can get ON the plane. There seems to be less wind in here!
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
In America anyone can become President. That’s the problem.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have an “s” in it?
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole damn airplane made out of that sh!t?
Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a c0cksucker from Guatemala.”
I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos. And I think that ought to count!
What year did Jesus think he was born?
I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
I’m in shape. Round is a shape.
I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS NEEDED
Lake Fork area. Please do not apply if you oversleep, have to go to court often, do not have a babysitter every day, have to get rides to work later than our work day begins, experience flat tires every week. Have to hold on to a cell phone all day, or will become an expert at your job with no need to learn or take advice after the first day. Must be able to talk and work at the same time. Must also remember to come back to work after lunch. Should not expect to receive gold stars for being on time.
If you qualify, leave name and number at 555-1234.
Dirty Nursery Rhymes
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
‘What have you got there?’
Said the pie man unto Simon,
‘Pies, you dumb ass’!!
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings’ horses,
And all the kings’ men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too ’cause he was gay.
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad…
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
In The Wisdom Of Solomon
Two women in a bus fighting bitterly over the last available seat.
The conductor had already tried unsuccessfully to intervene when the bus driver shouted to the conductor, “Let the ugly one take the seat”!
Both women stood for the rest of the journey
Funniest Medical Terms And Their Redneck Definitions
Artery – The study of paintings
Bacteria – Back door to cafeteria
Barium – What doctors do when patients die
Benign – What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section – A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan – Searching for Kitty
Cauterize – Made eye contact with her
Colic – A sheep dog
Coma – A punctuation mark
Dilate – To live long
Enema – Not a friend
Fester – Quicker than someone else
Fibula – A small lie
Impotent – Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain – Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff – A Doctor’s cane
Morbid – A higher offer
Nitrates- Rates of Pay for Working at Night, Normally more money than Days
Node – I knew it
Outpatient – A person who has fainted
Pelvis – Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative – A letter carrier
Recovery Room – Place to do upholstery
Rectum – Nearly killed him
Secretion – Hiding something
Seizure – Roman Emperor
Tablet – A small table
Terminal Illness – Getting sick at the airport
Tumor – One plus one more
Urine – Opposite of you’re out
So That’s What Really Happened
What if Mars has water on it because we used to live there and we messed up the climate so badly that we had to send an escape pod to earth with only Adam and Eve in it and the pod was the asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs?
14 Things To Do While Taking A Driver’s Test
1. Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.
2. Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, “buckle up!”
3. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of saran wrap down so he doesn’t dirty the seat.
4. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say “oops”.
5. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, “now which one is the gas again?”
6. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.
7. Fill your car with beer bottles.
8. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.
9. Tell the Registrar that you are taking the remedial test.
10. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
11. Swear at everybody on the road.
12. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.
13. Beep your horn at everything.
14. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.
What Were Those Used For Again?
I asked my daughter to give me a phone book.
She laughed at me, called me a boomer and lent me her iPhone.
So, the spider is dead, her iPhone is broken and my daughter is furious….
Comebacks To The Age Old Question: “Why aren’t you married yet?”
1. You haven’t asked yet.
2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
3. What? And spoil my great sex life?
4. Nobody would believe me in white.
5. Because I just love hearing this question.
6. Just lucky, I guess.
7. It gives my mother something to live for.
8. My fiancé is awaiting his/her parole.
9. I’m still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
10. I’m married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
11. I’m waiting until I get to be your age.
12. It didn’t seem worth a blood test.
13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
15. My co-op board doesn’t allow spouses.
16. I’d have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
18. I wouldn’t want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can’t trust those voodoo doll rituals.
20. What? And lose all the money I’ve invested in singles sites?
21. We really want to, but my lover’s spouse just won’t go for it.
22. I don’t want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
23. Why aren’t you thin?
24. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
You Shouldn’t Have To Wear Your Mask
I Just got called a “sheep” for wearing my mask in the elevator with a group of guys!
I replied as I remove my mask! “Finally a group of guys that doesn’t mind me taking my mask off while having COVID”.
Shit got really quiet!