Friday Fun Stuff – 5-14-21

Shiny

The GOP Is A Cult For Scammers Liars Thugs And Traitors – The Musical

Best And Worst Comments Taken From MIT Course Evaluation Guide

1. “Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room.”

2. “He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high.”

3. “In class, the syllabus is more important than you are.”

4. “Help! I’ve fallen asleep and I can’t wake up!”

5. “Text makes a satisfying ‘thud’ when dropped on the floor.”

6. “The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree.”

7. “His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame”

8. “Textbook is confusing…someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it.”

9. “Have you ever fallen asleep in class and awoke in another? That’s the way I felt all term.”

10. “This class was a religious experience for me…I had to take it all on faith.”

11. “The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him.”

12. “Problems sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material.”

13. “Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing–It’s a great stress reliever.”

14. “He is one of the best teachers I have had…He is well-organized, presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my comments don’t hurt his chances of getting tenure.”

15. “I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They’ve got a cool nest in the tree.”

16. “The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon.”

17. “TA steadily improved throughout the course…I think he started drinking and it really loosened him up.”

18. “Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose–spraying in all directions–no way to stop it.”

19. “I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin tapes that I used while doing the problem sets”

20. “What’s the quality of the text? ‘Text is printed on high quality paper.’

21. “The course was very thorough. What wasn’t covered in class was covered on the final exam.”

Almost Genius

New Tinder Idea: Upload all my photos upside down so girls turn their phone to look at them, obviously realize am ugly and swipe left but of course that’s now actually right bing, bang, boom, match.

How Dogs And Men Are Alike

- Both take up too much space on the bed.
- Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
- Both are threatened by their own kind.
- Both mark their territory.
- Both are bad at asking you questions.
- Both have an inordinate fascination with women’s crotches.
- Neither does any dishes.
- Both pass gas shamelessly.
- Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
- Both like dominance games.
- Both are suspicious of the postman.
- Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
- Neither understands what you see in cats.

How To Deal With Relatives

One man solved his problem of too many visiting relatives by borrowing money from the rich ones and loaning it to the poor ones.

Damn, why didn’t I think of that!

Answers To The Most Bizarre Questions On A Job Application

“You’ve been given an elephant. You can’t give it away or sell it. What would you do with the elephant?”

Employers ask this kind of question because they want to see how you think.

Here are some of the replies:
• I took a class on how to respond to job interview questions once and they used this exact one as an example. The answer they’re looking for is “Open a business where you hire the elephant out for events like birthday parties.”
• And then there’s me who’d break the bank getting it to a wildlife refuge. Elephants are incredible, majestic creatures and I’m a little offended they want you to imprison them and force them to make you money.
• Unfortunately I can no longer work here, raising this elephant is my full time job. We are going to travel from town to town solving mysteries.
• Raise it like your child and start a wildly successful Instagram account documenting your life with an elephant son
• Since the premise is unrealistic, so too should be the answer. Shrink it to cat size and keep it as a pet.
• I decline to accept the gift of the elephant under these terms. Its better to address broken requirements upfront than to hope you can work around them later by creative heroics.
• Give me the job or my elephant will sit on your car.

Just A Few Short Ones

I once had the opportunity to ask Steve Jobs how a college dropout managed to become such a successful and influential businessman. I’ll never forget what he said to me: “Who the hell are you and how did you get in my house?”

A man walks into a doctor’s office for a checkup. The doctor looks at the man and sees that he has five penises. “That’s remarkable! If you don’t mind my asking,” says the doctor, “how do your pants fit?”. The man replies, “Like a glove.”

A man and his friend were fishing by the river when a funeral procession approached. The man stood up, took off his hat, and waited for the procession to pass, and sat back down. His friend said, “That was very respectful of you, very nice.” The man then replied, “Well we were married for 40 years.”

The Human Resources Dictionary

“COMPETITIVE SALARY”
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY”
We have no time to train you.

“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE”
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up.

“MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED”
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED”
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

“DUTIES WILL VARY”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”
We have no quality control.

“CAREER-MINDED”
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

“APPLY IN PERSON”
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE”
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE”
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST”
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS”
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS”
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want, and do it.

New Machine At The Gym

Just been to the gym.
They’ve got a new machine in.
Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick.
It’s great though. It provides me with everything I need – Kit Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Chips…”

Zen Teachings

Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any.

Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don’t succeed, sky-diving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.