Hip Bathroom Signs Are The Worst
HELL NO: The Sensible Horror Film
You Might Be A Redneck If…
…You think the last three words of the national anthem is ‘start your engines.’
…Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
…One of your kids was born on a pool table.
…If you refer to the fifth grade as, “your senior year”.
…You think the stock market has fence around it.
…You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
…You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
…Your grandfather died and left everything to his widow… but she can’t touch it ’til she’s fourteen.
…The figurines on top your wedding cake were wearing overalls.
…Your favorite restaurant has a sawdust floor
…You’ve ever burped and killed a fly
…There were dogs in the church on your wedding day
…You’re saving up to gravel your driveway.
…You’ve ever bought a used cap.
…You turn the sprinkler on and tell the kids it’s a water park.
…You’ve ever had to have a wrecker pull your car out of a pothole in your driveway.
…Your wedding cake was made by Sarah Lee
…You’ve ever had a dream about beef jerky.
…Winn-Dixie catered your wedding.
…Your not actually able to read the Richard Petty Story, but you sure like to look at the pictures.
…You’ve ever tried to pass an entire funeral procession.
…Your driving a vehicle with no original body parts.
…The fireworks stand gives you a volume discount.
…In preparation for a romantic evening, you stop by the grocery store for a bottle of Mr. Bubble.
On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, “Are there any friendly bears listening?”
After a moment, another voice replied, “Yes, I’m a friendly bear,” and then another voice, “I’m a friendly bear too!”
At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on a radio link. When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds.
Then a small voice said, “You’re not a very friendly bear, are you?”
How To Give A Cat Medication
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws firmly. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to stretch out flat on top of cat with head just visible from below arm-pit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by the furniture store on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to find a new home for cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters
A couple brought their new-born son to the pediatrician for his first check-up, the doctor said, “You have such a cute baby.”
Smiling, the child’s mother said, “I’ll bet you say that to all the new parents.”
“No,” he admitted, “just to those whose babies are really cute.”
“So what do you say to the others?” I asked.
“He looks just like you!”
He has a mind like a steel trap – always closed!
He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
He’s not stupid; he’s possessed by a retarded ghost.
Here’s 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!
Hi! I’m a human being! What are you?
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent.
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I’ll never forget the first time we met – although I’ll keep trying.
You’re so narrow minded when you walk your earrings knock together.
You’re lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.
You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.
How To Ask For A Raise
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The lady of the house was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: ”Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: ”Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.
‘Wife: ”Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: ”Your husband said so.”
Maria: ”The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: ”Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: ”Your husband did.”
Maria: ”My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.
Wife (really furious now): ”Did my husband say that as well?
Maria: ”No Señora… the gardener did.”
Wife: ”So how much do you want?”
More Fun Things To Do At Wal-Mart
1. TP as much of the store as possible.
2. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
3. Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello” upside down.
4. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”
5. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, “Red Rover!”
6. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., “Do you have any Shnerples here?”
7. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
8. Take bets on the battle described above.
9. Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
11. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
12. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from “Mission: Impossible.”
13. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
14. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
15. Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?”
16. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.
17. Two words: “Marco Polo.”
18. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
19. “Re-alphabetize” the CD’s in Electronics.
20. In the auto department, practice your “Madonna” look with various funnels.
21. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
22. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
23. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices again!”
24. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
25. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink, explain that you don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
Notes To An Ill Wife
(Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by a well meaning husband who has inherited the house and kids.)
Monday A.M. Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside.
See you around six.
Tuesday A.M. Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I’m doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.
Wednesday A.M. Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for Chris’s missing shoes? We’ve checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There’s some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.
Thursday A.M. Doris: Don’t panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9 P.M. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to following:
1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal?
2. How do you turn off the milkman?
3. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
4. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy’s hand?
5. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door?
I don’t know what you’re having for lunch! Surprise me!
Friday A.M. Hey: Don’t drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and the dinner on time.
I called your mother.
Quotes On Stupidity
Without Human Stupidity the World Would Probably Be a Better Place but Probably Also a Lot Less Fun ~ Unknown ~
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe. ~ Albert Einstein ~
The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity. ~ Voltaire ~
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. ~ Albert Einstein ~
When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing. ~ Unknown ~
Television … A Creative Expression of Human Stupidity! ~ Unknown ~
Senior Motel Moment
Last week, she checked into a motel on her 65th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.”
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well oiled bum.
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I’ll give him a call.
“Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you? Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, “Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night – tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I’m ready!! Now how does that sound?”
He said, “That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.”