If Airlines Were Honest
Rejected Children’s Book Titles
1. Juggling Knives is Easy
2. Where to Find the toys in the Oven
3. Where Mommy & Daddy Hide Neat Things
4. Kick, Scream, and Cry to Get What You Want
5. “Whatcha’ Doin’” the Wonderful Phrase
6. 101 Games to Play in the Road
7. The Indoor Pool is a Big Potty and the Diving board is the Flusher
8. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub, a Blow dryer, and a Fork
9. POP, goes the Hamster and other fun Microwave Games
10. Arthur Gets Hunted
11. Clifford and the Big and Yellow Semi
12. Monsters Killed Grandpa
13. The hit sequel to “Elvis is your real dad” Mrs. Clause is your real Mom
14. Chicken Poop for the Kid Soul
15. All Guns Squirt Water
16. When The Garbage Truck Came to Sesame Street
17. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite
18. You Can Get Sucked Down the Drain
19. How to Make Sushi with Ordinary Goldfish
20. 101 recipes to make with Dog
21. If its Storming out the Best Place to keep shelter is under a tree
22. The New Boy is Bad
23. Your Nightmares are real
24. The Time When Elmer REALLY got Bugs
25. Scooby Doo Gets Rabbis
26. The Lion, the Steak, and the Blender
27. The Little Kitten that was too Curious
28. The Boy who was so Stupid that his Dad put him up for Adoption
29. Mickey Mouse and the Mouse Trap
30. Chuck E. Cheese and Cheddar get a Flamethrower
31. Grandpa Gets A Casket
32. Dad’s New Wife Robert
33. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refrigerator
New Laws To Regulate The Hunting & Harvesting Of Attorneys
370.01 – Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.
370.02 – Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.
370.03 – The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash.
370.04 – It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.
370.05 – It is unlawful to shout, “WHIPLASH”, “AMBULANCE”, or “FREE SCOTCH” for the purposes of trapping attorneys.
370.06 – It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon.
370.07 – It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels.
370.08 – If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.
370.09 – It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
370.10 – Bag and Possession Limits per day: Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2; Two-faced tort-teasers’, 1; Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3; Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2; Minutiae-advocating dirt bags, 4. Honest attorneys protected (Endangered Species Act).
ARS 8007.21 – It is illegal to take attorneys with a moving vehicle unless there are no measurable skid marks at the kill site.
Signs That Your Cow Has Mad-Cow Disease.
Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
She refuses to let you milk her, saying “Not on the first date.”
Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow’s body.
Your cow demands to be branded with the ‘Golden Arches Logo’.
Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.
Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.
She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.
Your cow joins the Hell’s Angels because, hey, it already has a cool leather jacket.
Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.
Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting “MOO” backwards.
Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.
Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you’ll wear something sexy this time.
Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells “Bull’s-eye”!
Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called “LaCream Abdul Milkbar”.
Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.
Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.
You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.
Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.
Take A Hike
Don’t you hate it when you’re just getting into your “productive zone” and a family member interrupts with some fool project that threatens to derail your whole day?
Case in point: This weekend I’m settling into my chair, a pristine bag of taco chips nestled under my arm like a newborn baby. In my lap the TV listings reveal an entire day of sporting events (including Ukrainian Woman’s Body Building, which I never miss), while to my right is a beer, glistening with dew and shimmering with promise. Then my wife bursts into the room and begins to wax irrational.
“I want to go on a family hike,” she proclaims.
I nod encouragingly. “Then you should go. I’m sure there are plenty of families who would love to accompany you.”
“I mean us.”
“Why a hike?” I demand. “Don’t they have a web site for that?”
My children are equally astounded, but, like any responsible parent, I’ve decided to present them with a unified front. “Your mother is crazy,” I explain. “We’d better do what she says.”
“But I have plans for the weekend!” my oldest daughter howls. “Why do I have to go?”
“Well, you ARE technically part of the family,” I observe. “Pretend you’re walking at the mall.”
“You are ruining my whole life,” she snaps. (I don’t tell her what having two teenagers has done to mine.)
My other daughter tries a different approach.
“Can Brittany come along?”
“How about Whitney?”
“Is Greta the one I like?”
The family packs as if we’re never coming back. Everyone is carrying enough water to wash the car. Our backpacks bulge with extra clothing suitable for both a day on a dog sled and an afternoon of beach volleyball.
After carefully applying makeup, my 17-year-old daughter troops out in a skin-tight blouse that looks like it came right off the rack at “Babes R Us.” Maybe she’s hoping we’ll encounter a cleavage contest. “What do you think, we’re going to run into boys on this trip?” I demand. Her response is an insolent toss of the hair that makes me wish I had some sheep-shearing tools in the garage.
“Put on something less…mammalian,” I tell her.
“Why?” she jeers. “Do you think we’re going to run into boys on this trip?”
My son wants to know why he can’t take his hamster. “Because all pets have to be kept on a leash,” I explain.
“I WILL keep him on a leash!” he promises eagerly.
An hour later we’re at the base of a hill. “This is crazy,” I tell my wife supportively. “Why couldn’t we pick a downhill path?”
“It will be downhill on the way back,” she says, as if this makes any sense.
I cast a look at my kids. My eleven-year-old is carrying a walking stick and wearing ski goggles — he looks like a Sherpa. My youngest daughter is plugged into CD headphones; my oldest is talking on the cell phone. “We’re coming up on a big, big rock,” she reports. “No, wait, that’s my dad’s butt.”
For some reason this strikes my wife as funny, and she begins what will turn out to be two straight hours of giggling.
I step into a mucky bog and my shoe is sucked right off. “Hey! The trail is eating my feet!” I protest. Only my son stops to help. He has changed into a hockey helmet. I frown. “Where’d you get that?” I ask.
“In your backpack, under the ant farm.”
“You brought your ant farm? Why?”
“Because I couldn’t bring my hamster,” he explains logically.
After we’ve hiked across a couple of time zones, my knees begin muttering to themselves about the ordeal. “We need to take a break, I’m bleeding internally!” I call out. I’m ignored.
I’d still be up there if it weren’t for a sudden storm (shows what happens when you send your prayers marked “urgent”). My son pulls umbrellas from my backpack and we run down the hill.
“That was a once-in-a-lifetime, never-again experience,” I announce as I start the car.
My wife, gazing out the window, pretends she doesn’t understand the significance of my phrasing.
Differences Between College And High School
1. In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.
2. No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come.
3. In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder. In college, on both.
4. In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the teacher’s guide.
5. In college, there are no tardy slips.
6. In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you get to live with your friends.
7. In college, you don’t have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.
8. In high school, you’re told what classes to take. In college, you get to choose. That is, as long as the classes don’t conflict and you have the prerequisites and the classes aren’t closed and you’ve paid your tuition.
9. In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way out of it. In college, you’re lucky to ever talk with the professor.
10. In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration. In college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close.
11. In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade than your high school final exams ever did.
12. In high school, when the teacher said, “Good morning,” you mumbled back. In college, when the professor says, “Good morning,” you write it down.
13. In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college, senior guys hit on freshman girls.
14. In college, weekends start on Thursday.
15. In college, it’s much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out where he/she will be walking around campus and at what time to find them there.
16. Once you’ve obtained the information described in #16, it’s much more time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she will be in order to “just happen to bump into him/her.”
17. In college, there’s no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.
18. In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.
19. College men are cuter than high school boys (or college woman are developed).
20. College women are legal.
21. In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you don’t need a note from your parents saying you were skip….uh, sick that day.
22. In high school, you can’t go out to lunch because it’s not allowed. In college, you can’t go out to lunch because you can’t afford it.
23. In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists like this.
Equal But Not The Same
“Equal” is not always synonymous with “the same.” Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.
1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Sunday best, and she’ll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Sunday best, and he’ll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you’re driving there.
3. Boys’ rooms are usually messy. Girls’ rooms are usually messy, except it’s a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
6. Boys couldn’t care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
7. Baby girls find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
8. If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
9. Boys grow their fingernails long because they’re too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long – not because they look nice – but because they can dig them into a boys arm.
10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they’ve watched “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie three times in a row.
14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.
What If People Bought Cars Like They Bought Computers?
HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!”
HELPLINE: “Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?”
CUSTOMER: “What’s an ignition?”
HELPLINE: “It’s a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.”
CUSTOMER: “Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?”
HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “My car ran fine for a week, and now it won’t go anywhere!”
HELPLINE: “Is the gas tank empty?”
CUSTOMER: “Huh? How do I know!?”
HELPLINE: “There’s a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from ‘E’ to ‘F.’ Where is the needle pointing?”
CUSTOMER: “It’s pointing to ‘E.’ What does that mean?”
HELPLINE: “It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you.”
CUSTOMER: “What!? I paid $35,000.00 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!”
HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “Your cars stink!”
HELPLINE: “What’s wrong?”
CUSTOMER: “It crashed, that’s what went wrong!”
HELPLINE: “What were you doing?”
CUSTOMER: “I wanted it to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed — and now it won’t start!”
HELPLINE: “It’s your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?”
CUSTOMER: “I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn’t crash anymore!”
HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.”
HELPLINE: “Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “How do I work it?”
HELPLINE: “Do you know how to drive?”
CUSTOMER: “Do I know how to what?”
HELPLINE: “Do you know how to DRIVE?”
CUSTOMER: “I’m not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!”
More Groucho Marx Quotes
1. Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
2. Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
3. A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
4. Women should be obscene and not heard.
5. I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
6. My favorite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.
7. I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
8. I’ve worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
9. Either the man is dead, or my watch has stopped.
10. A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
11. She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
12. I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls.
13. I’m not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
14. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
15. Oh, why can’t we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills.
16. Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
17. I wish you’d keep my hands to yourself.
18. Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put ‘Emily, I love you’ on the back of the bill.
19. Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women
20. My mother treated us all equally… with contempt
21. Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
22. No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.
23. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
24. We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren’t developed. But we’re going back next year.
25. Love flies out the door, when money comes innuendo.
26. What does California need an air force for? We have no air out here.
27. (When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid) I was just whispering in her mouth.
Midlife For Women
• Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old that you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
• You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and know it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in a film.
• Midlife brings the wisdom that “life throws you curves” and that you’re now sitting on your biggest ones.
• Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, cell phone-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, “For this I have stretch marks?”
• Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water.
• The good news about midlife is the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won’t be long before your teeth are floating in it.
• You know you’ve crossed the midlife threshold when you’re in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of “Stairway to Heaven” in the produce department.
• Midlife is when your 1970′s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).
• Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself and your chins follow suit.
• You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the “big” questions: what is life, why am I here and how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice.
• The patient furthest away from the nurses’ station rings the call bell more often than the patient nearest to the nurses’ station.
• You always remember “just one more thing” you need after you’ve gowned, gloved, and masked and gone into that isolation room.
• The correct depth of compression in adult CPR is a bit less than the depth you just reached when you broke those ribs.
• When you cancel extra staff because it’s so quiet, you are guaranteed a rash of admissions.
• If you wear a new white uniform, expect to be thrown up on. Corollary: Residents always poop on your brand new shoes.
• There is always a way, and it usually doesn’t work.
• When management smiles at you, be afraid, be very afraid.
• Staffing will gladly send you three aides–but you have to float two of your RNs.
• As soon as you discontinue the IV line, more fluids will be ordered.
• Mandatory meetings are always scheduled after you’ve had the night from hell and just want to go home to bed.
• You always forget what it was you wanted after you get to the supply room. You always remember when you get back to the other end.
• Doctors only ask your name when the patient isn’t doing well.
• Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the boss is watching.
• The more sophisticated the equipment, the longer it takes to get repaired.
• Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
• As soon as you’ve ordered the pizzas, 25 patients show up at the ER registration desk along with three ambulances all with cardiac arrests!