And God populated the earth with cauliflower, spinach, broccoli and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would be able to live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald’s. And McDonald’s brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, “Would you like fries with that?”
And Man replied, “Super size them.” And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure that Man found so attractive.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And Woman gained pounds.
And God said, “Try my crispy fresh salad.”
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese.
And there was ice cream for dessert. And Woman gained pounds.
And God said, “I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.”
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel, so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.
And God said, “You’re running up the score, Devil.” And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he also created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, “It is good.”
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed, and created quadruple bypass surgery, angioplasties, and stints….
And Satan created HMOs…
What Canadians Think Of A Mosque Being Built Next To Ground Zero
Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Orillia, Ontario, says,…
“I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends to the south are against another mosque being built in New York so close to ground zero.
I think it should be the goal of every Canadian & American to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs.
Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.
We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, “The Turban Cowboy”, and the other a topless bar called “You Mecca Me Hot.”
Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called “Iraq o’ Ribs.”
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called “Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret”, with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, “Koranal Knowledge”, its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side, a liquor store called “Morehammered.”
All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so their mosque issue would not be a problem for others.
Martha Stewart Explains Jewish Food
A pancake-like structure not to be confused with anything the House of Pancakes would put out. In a latka, the oil is in the pancake. It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal. Latkas can be eaten with apple -sauce but NEVER with maple syrup. There is a rumor that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a latka by mistake and it burned for eight days. What is certain is you will have heart burn for the same amount of time.
It’s a GOOD thing.
Recalled Christmas Toys
• Broken Bag-O-Glass
• Dr. Kevorkian First Aid Kit
• Jeffrey Domhers Easy Bake oven and cookbook
• Timothy McVays home Chemistry set
• Switchblade Barney
• Pork-n-Beany Babies
• Make your own moonshine kit
• Mike Tyson Doll (with ear biting action)
click here to close
The Difference Between Christmas And Chanukah
Now, if anyone asks you what the difference is between Christmas and Chanukah, you will know how to answer!
1 Christmas is one day, same day every year, December 25. Jews also love December 25th. It’s another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don’t look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida ) or other Jewish funeral home.
2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let’s eat.
3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos… Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.
4. There is only one way to spell Christmas No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hanukkah, Hannukah, etc.
5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends.
6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.
7. Christmas carols are beautiful…Silent Night, Come All Ye Faithful…. Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the Hora. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don’t Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?
8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.
9. Christian women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkes on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.
10. Parents deliver gifts to their children during Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.
11. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus , Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.
12. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, ‘Yossela, Bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn’t sleep with her, and now you want to blame G-d? Here’s the number of my shrink’.
13. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person. Better stick with Chanukah!
You May Be A Muslim...
1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor,
You may be a Muslim.
2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes,
3. If you have more wives than teeth,
4. If you wipe your ass with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean,
5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide.
6. If you can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared jihad against,
7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing,
8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs,
9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four,
Why You Should Never Force Children To Pray!
At dinner, a little boy was ordered to lead in prayer…
BOY: But I don’t know how to pray
DAD: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.
BOY: “Dear Lord” he started thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream.
The IRS sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”
“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.
“Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked.
“A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he’d try another question, in his obnoxious way…
“Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a free box of matzo balls.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
“Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?”
“Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS.”
“To the IRS?!” questioned the auditor in disbelief.
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “directly to The IRS. And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you!”
Salman Rushdie's Sequels
Heard about Salman Rushdie’s sequels to “Satanic Verses”?
1) Buddha, You Fat Fucking Bastard
What's Going On In Your Church?
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, “I’m not going.”
“Why not?” she asked.
I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said. “(1), they don’t like me, and (2), I don’t like them.”
His mother replied, “I’ll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church.
(1) You’re 59 years old and (2) you’re the pastor!”
“The front row please,” she answered.
“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said “The pastor is really boring.”
“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.
“No.” he said.
“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.
“Do you know who I am?” he asked.
“No.” she said. “Good,” he answered.
Show and Tell
The second student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Mary. I’m a Catholic and this is a Rosary.”
The third student got in up front of the class and said, “My name is Tommy. I am Lutheran, and this is a casserole.”
The Best Way To Pray
“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.
“No,” said the minister. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”
“You’re both wrong,” the guru said. “The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”
The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted. “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”
The Twenty and the One
As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
“I’ve had a pretty good life,” the twenty proclaimed. “Why I’ve been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ”
“Wow!” said the one-dollar bill. “You’ve really had an exciting life!”
“So tell me,” says the twenty, “where have you been throughout your lifetime?”
The one dollar bill replies, “Oh, I’ve been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church .” —— The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, “What’s a church?”
Goat for Dinner
“Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?”
“Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Dad say to Mom, ‘Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.”
It's A Jewish Thing...
1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
3. Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
6. Q: What’s a Jewish American Princess’s favorite position?
7. When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, ‘So did my arthritis.’
8. A man called his mother in Florida, ‘Mom, how are you?’ ‘Not too good,’ said the mother. ‘I’ve been very weak.’ The son said, ‘Why are you so weak?’ She said, ‘Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.’ The son said, ‘That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?’ The mother answered, ‘Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.’
9. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, ‘What part is it?’ The boy says, ‘I play the part of the Jewish husband.’ The mother scowls and says, ‘Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.’
10. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
11. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
12. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat.
13. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, ‘Lady I haven’t eaten in three days.’ ‘Force yourself,’ she replied.
14. Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
15. Jewish telegram: ‘Begin worrying. Details to follow.’
16. Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
You gotta love this one even if you’ve never lived in the South. Southerners can be so polite!
Atlanta ATC: ‘Tower to Saudi Air 511 — You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R
Saudi Air: ‘Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel’s runway 9R – Allah be Praised.’
Atlanta ATC: ‘Tower to Iran Air 711 –You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R.’
Iran Air: ‘Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel’s runway 9R. -Allah is Great.’
Saudi Air: ‘ ATLANTA ATC – ATLANTA ATC!
Atlanta ATC: ‘Go ahead Saudi Air 511.’
Saudi Air: ‘YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!’
Atlanta ATC: ‘Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y’all be careful now and tell Allah ‘hey’ for us
Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.
Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this April from 72 to only 60.
The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or BOOM ) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, the Al Qaeda chief executive explained, “We sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.
Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as “There are no virgins in their areas anyway”.
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of that Scottish singing star Susan Boyle; now that suicide bombers know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.
The Encyclopedia Of Jewish Expressions:
Vay iz meer
An expression which closely resembles “Woe is Me”, and is cried out by Jewish mothers every 15 minutes.
An anthem of true suffering.
Ken in- a- hura
Gal's and Guy's Prayers
Lord, before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
One who’ll make love till my body’s a twitchin,
Lord, I pray for a chick with big tits.
Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
He bent over to pick it up…
and all the other bells started to ring.
A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.
Catholic: “I have a large fortune….I am going to buy Citibank!”
Protestant: “I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!”
Muslim: “I am a fabulously rich prince…. I intend to purchase Microsoft!”
They then all wait for the Jew to speak….
The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:
“I’m not selling!!!”
Why Do They Do It
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Let’s see now…
Then they tell you that when you die you get to have 72 virgins!
I mean, really, is there a mystery here?
The Yiddish Zodiac
For those who frequent Chinese restaurants and see the placemats showing the Chinese zodiac (you know, the year of the rat, the year of the monkey, etc.) – well, here is the official Jewish equivalent. Now you can find out who you are.
The Year of:
BLACK AND WHITE COOKIE
Preparing For Santa
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated.
Please read the following carefully.
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies.
However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us…
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads:
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin’ coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.
4. You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen …” when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, “On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.”
5. “Ho, ho, ho!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!”
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back Off!” The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like “Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer” and Bing Crosby’s “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.” This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be: Mark Chesnutt’s “Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox,” Cledus T. Judd’s “All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack,” and Hank Williams Jr.’s “If You Don’t Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It.”
A rabbi and a priest operated a synagogue and a church across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to purchase a car.
They bought the car, drove it home, and parked it on the street between them.
Several minutes later, the rabbi looked out and observed the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn’t need a wash, so he rushed out and asked the priest what he was doing. “I’m blessing it,” the priest explained.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. Reappearing a few moments later with a hacksaw, he promptly walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.
There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted Organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another Organist.
So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green Persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green Persimmons, though, ‘because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won’t be able to talk properly for a while’.
The following Sunday morning, the minister got up in the pulpit and said….
‘Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.’
If you need a laugh today, then this should do it!
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.
I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???
Through the eyes of a child:
The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden…..Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
Whorehouse Sues Local Church Over Lightning Strike!
What an interesting turn of events in Mt. Vernon, Texas …Diamond D’s brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding — with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D’s progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about “the power of prayer.” But late last week ‘Big Jugs’ Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church … “was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business — either through direct or indirect divine actions or means.”
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff’s complaint and the defendant’s reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, “I don’t know how the hell I’m going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it’s all bullshit.”