MADtv 3 Minute Meals Tuna Melts
Dax Shepard Forces Wife Kristen Bell To Audition For Role Of His Wife
Advice For Kids
• Never trust a dog to watch your food.
• When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” don’t answer “Yes” to him.
• Never tell your mom her diet’s not working.
• Stay away from prunes.
• Never pee on an electric fence.
• Don’t squat with your spurs on:
• Don’t pull dad’s finger when he tells you to:
• When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
• Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
• Don’t sneeze in front of mum when you’re eating crackers.
• Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
• Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
• You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
• Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
• If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
• Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
• Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat.
• When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone.
• Never try to baptize a cat.
Happy And Sad
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions”. The husband turned to his wife and said, “Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.
She said: “Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick.”
Science: Bread Is Dangerous
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
6. Bread is often a “gateway” food item, leading the user to “harder” items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cream cheese.
7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey, bread-pudding person.
8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 450 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than two minutes.
10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
You Parents Are Such Lairs
Best performance by an actress in a mommy role:
Handing the baby to my husband, and then acting surprised that she was full of poop. Done that many a time!
So maybe they won’t be firefighters:
I don’t have the energy or discipline at the end of the day to get my kids to pick up their toys. Instead I made up a fictional dwarf that lives in fire hydrants and takes kids’ toys when they are left out at night. It works! They pick up their toys but they also hate fire hydrants.
Effective, but don’t send us the therapy bills.
My three year old is terrified of bees, so every time I need her to come inside off the patio I tell her “the bees are coming! The bees are coming!” And it works every single time.
If only this mom had negotiated the debt ceiling agreement:
I encouraged my toddler to give up her pacifier at nighttime by promising her popsicles for breakfast. :~)
Eat your heart out, Martha Stewart:
Blame the messy house on my kids, when I know I was just too lazy to clean anything up.
Just like Dr. Seuss, except with a few more F-bombs
I taught my son to read to Eminem lyrics.
Santa and I are close personal friends:
I lie to my kids and tell them Santa Claus watches them from the air conditioning vent.
I told my children that I used to be an elf at the North Pole working for Santa until I got fired by a mean elf named Robin. It kept them believing when faith was waning.
Teething toy, drool catcher… is there nothing beer cannot do?
I let my infant soothe her teething gums with a cold beer bottle. She sits in my lap with me holding the bottle and she rubs her gums on the opening of the bottle. It’s an empty bottle that I keep cold just for her. It’s her favorite teether and a great drool catcher.
And broccoli gives you magic powers!
If you eat all of your green beans you will turn into a princess.
Can I have dinner at your house?
Sometimes I give my kids Oreos for dinner because I’m too tired to go through the challenge of finding something that they will both like and eat.
Sorry, nope, no more diapers.
I was frustrated with potty training, and I lied to my daughter and told her that they didn’t make diapers anymore.
And my dust bunnies have never been crisper!
Monster spray – kids had nightmares, and difficulty falling asleep, so I used spray starch (before they could read) as “Monster Spray” – would spray under the bed in and the closet – it worked very well.
Who are these short people, and why are they calling me Mommy?
My 3 year old got her nickname because I couldn’t remember her name the day after bringing her home from the hospital….so I sat on the couch looking at this little stranger who was a part of me crying and just called her “Goober.”
Fun with body parts.
My kids still call their big toe the “head honcho” because of me and I just don’t have the heart to tell them that’s not what it’s called, it’s too cute.
And finally, we salute this mom with the Honesty Award for Creative Discipline:
One day my two boys were picking at each other all day. They are 18 months apart and were 8 and 10 at the time. They just wouldn’t leave each other alone and could not get along for anything. So I took an arm from each of them — one left arm, one right arm — and tied them together with a robe belt. I told them they had to stay that way for an hour and figure out how to get along with each other. If they got worse, I’d add on another hour. One sulked the entire time while the other listened to his CD player. But they quit poking, picking and talking badly to each other. If they got that way again, I’d remind them, “Do I need to tie you two together?” My family would look at me like I was crazy until I explained the story.
Best Ways To Order A Pizza
1. State your order and say that’s as far as this relationship is going to get.
2. Ask if they’re familiar with the term “spanking a pizza.” Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
3. Detect the order taker’s psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
4. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
5. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
6. Perfect a celebrity’s voice. Stress that you won’t take any crap from some two-bit can’t-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
7. Put them on hold.
8. Mumble, “There’s a bomb under your seat.” When asked to repeat that, say “I said ‘sauce smothered with meat’.”
9. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say “No mushrooms, please.” Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
10. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say “You just don’t get it, do you?”
11. When you’re given the price, say “Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math.”
13. Order a one-inch pizza.
14. Order term life insurance.
15. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
16. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often. Act embarrassed.
17. Dance all around the word “pizza.” Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say “Please don’t mention that word.”
18. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
19. Order a steamed pizza.
20. Get taker’s name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, “This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so.” Hang up.
21. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
22. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, “Last guy let me do it.”
And You Thought You Were Having A Bad Day
This morning as I was buttoning my shirt a button fell off.
After that, I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off.
Then I went to open the door and the doorknob fell off.
I went to get into my car and the door handle came off in my hand.
Now I’m afraid to pee….
T-Shirts For Women
1. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
2. All stressed out and no one to choke.
3. And your point is…
4. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
5. Remember my name … you’ll be screaming it later.
6. You KNOW you want me.
7. Don’t worry. It’ll only seem kinky the first time…
8. Of course I don’t look busy… I did it right the first time.
9. I’m multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
10. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
11. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
12. I hate everybody, and you’re next.
13. How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
14. If we are what we eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy.
15. Nobody knows I’m not wearing underwear
Are You A Real Guy?
Take this scientific quiz to determine your guyness quotient
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
a. Present it to the President of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
c. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino, and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. What about hugging another male?
a. If he’s your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you’re performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: “I am just dislodging food trapped in this male’s trachea! I am not in any way aroused!”)
c. If you’re a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that: (1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.
5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to…
a….remember the deceased and console their loved ones.
b….reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c….tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer’s disease and cancer.
6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.
7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She’s attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy– you’re watching a football game; she’s reading the papers–when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she’s not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don’t want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her-sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?
9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
a. “Do they need to eat or anything?”
b. “They’re in school already?”
c. “There are three of them?”
10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you’re not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody–and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife–is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.
12. What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?
b. Space Travel.
c. Remote control.
How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer “c.” A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer’s disease and cancer.
Mid-Life For Women
Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans …we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film.
You know you’ve crossed the mid-life threshold when you’re in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of “Stairway to Heaven” in the produce department.
Mid-life is when you bounce (a lot), but you don’t bounce back. (It’s more like Splat!)
Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves… and that you’re now sitting on your biggest ones.
It’s very hard to “get jiggy with it” in mid-life…jiggly, yes; jiggy, no.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, “Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!”
Mid-life can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, cell phone-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, “For this I have stretch marks?”
Mid-life is when your memory really starts to go. The only thing you still retain is water.
You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the “big” questions– what is life, why am I here…how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice?
How Dry Is It In Texas?
• It’s so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.
• I was visiting online with a buddy in Austin and he said he’d killed a mosquito that was carrying a canteen.
• A friend in southwest Texas told me the chicken farmers were giving the chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
• But just this week, here in Stephenville, a man said he saw a fire hydrant bribing a dog.
• In Proctor Lake, another friend caught a 20 lb catfish that had ticks on it!
• It’s so hot and dry here the rivers have dried up and the fish are swimming in their own sweat.
• You can’t wash your car because the water evaporates between the hose and the car.
• It’s so hot the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
• It’s so hot that cows are giving evaporated milk.
• It’s so hot that when you turn on the lawn sprinkler, all you get is steam.
• It’s so hot, the popcorn popped before I got home.
• It’s so hot, they started growing palm trees in Nome, Alaska. For some shade.