Some Of Harold Lloyd’s Most Amazing Stunts And Best Silent Comedy Gags
• I do all my own stunts but never intentionally.
• Don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.
• Your secret’s safe with me. I wasn’t even listening.
• If only we could invoice people for wasting our time.
• I’m going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow.
• Work is just something I’m doing until I win the lottery.
• Sarcasm is just punching people in the face with words.
• The road to success has so many tempting parking spaces.
• You never know what you’ve got until you clean your room.
• Be like the postage stamp. Stick to a thing until you get there.
• I intended to behave but there were so many other options.
• If Cinderella’s shoe was such a perfect fit, why did it fall off?
• Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it’s only Tuesday.
• Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.
• Revenge sounds so mean. I prefer to call it returning the favor.
• They say nothing’s impossible but I’ve been doing nothing all day.
• I’m still waiting for the wisdom I was assured would come with age.
• If one door opens when another closes, your house is probably haunted.
• You know it’s time to move on when the best part of your job is a chair that swivels.
• If you want your children to listen to you, try talking in a very low voice to someone else.
• If you’re going to get into trouble for hitting someone, you might as well hit them hard.
• People who can’t find time for rest and recreation will be forced to make time for illness, sooner or later.
• All I’m saying officer is that if you caught me then you must have been speeding too and no one is above the law.
• When you get angry take a deep breath and count to 10. Then throw a punch at number 8. Nobody expects that.
Drunk Driver Test
A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow into a breathalyzer.
“I can’t do that, officer, I’m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.”
“OK, we’ll just get a urine sample down at the station.”
“Can’t do that either, officer. I’m a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.”
“Alright, we could get a blood sample.”
“Can’t do that either, officer. I’m a hemophiliac. If I give blood, I could die.”
“Fine then, just walk this white line.”
“Can’t do that either, officer.”
“Because I’m drunk.”
Elaine Benes Quotes
• I’m dead now. Gotta go!
• I’m not a lesbian! I hate men, but I’m not a lesbian.
• Some people should just give up. I have.
• I once broke up with someone for not offering me pie.
• We just tease someone ’til they develop an eating disorder.
• I had to take a sick day. I’m so sick of these people.
• He’s a wonderful guy, but I hate his guts.
• Well, that’s the positive thing about getting sick, you get to lose weight.
• I think this is the same one I gave him. He recycled this gift. He’s a re-gifter!
• You know that just admitting a man is handsome doesn’t necessarily make you a homosexual.
• I can’t do this anymore, it’s too long! Just tell your stupid story about the stupid desert and just die already! Die!
• I can’t be with someone who doesn’t break up nicely. I mean, to me, that’s one of the most important parts of a relationship.
• You know, men can sit through the most boring movie if there’s even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off.
• Here’s to those who wish us well, and those who don’t can go to Hell.
• I mean the problem is that the good ones know they’re good. And they know they’re in such demand they’re just not interested in confining themselves to one person.
• That’s the bra I gave her, she’s wearing it as a top! The woman is walking around in broad daylight with nothing but a bra on. She’s a menace to society.
• Kramer, you don’t understand. He made the last contact between us. I had the upper hand in the post-breakup relationship. If he thinks that I said hi, then I lose the upper hand.
• You know your whole life you go through painstaking efforts to hide your nipple and then BOOM, suddenly hundreds of people get their own personal shot of it.
• Yeah, since she met him she’s been vomited on, her family cabin’s been burned down, she learned her father’s a homosexual, and she got fired from a high-paying network job. Yeah, they had a real good thing going.
• This whole sex thing is totally overrated. Now, here’s the one thing you’ve gotta be ready for is how the man changes into a completely different person five seconds after it’s over. I mean, something happens to their personality; it’s really quite astounding. It’s like they committed a crime and they want to flee the scene before the police get there.
Getting To Know Your Students
It was the beginning of a new school year and the teacher was getting to know the children by asking them their names and what their fathers did for a living.
The first little girl to respond said, “I’m Mary and my dad’s a builder.”
Then another little girl spoke and said, “My name’s Louisa and my dad’s a police officer.”
The conversation went on like this as the teacher went around the class, until one little boy said, “I’m Jack and my dad’s a stripper in a gay bar.”
Naturally, the teacher was surprised by this comment and feeling slightly uncomfortable with the direction the conversation was taking, she decided it might be better to change the subject.
A little later she spotted Jack in the schoolyard on his own. So the teacher approached him and asked if it was really true that his father worked as a stripper in a gay bar.
Jack’s face turned a little red as he replied, “No, he’s actually a congressman but I was too embarrassed to admit that in front of the class.”
Funny Dating Profile Examples
• Miserable soul looking for love.
• If you’ve got a fetish for body odor then I’m your man.
• I hate men but could you be the one to change my mind?
• So far, I’ve had 60 lovers at college, will you be my 61st?
• Looking for someone to pay my bills and take care of me.
• If you’ll be my meal ticket I’ll be your pampered princess.
• My relationships never work out but I’m willing to try again.
• Angry bitch looking for that special one to make his life hell.
• Don’t think of me as bald, think hairstyle that says minimalism.
• If you’ll cook, clean and do my ironing then you’re the girl for me.
• I enjoy long walks and candlelit dinners and someone to pay the bill.
• Bad teeth, bad breath, body odor and acne but otherwise a great catch.
• As long as I always get my own way in every situation, I can be flexible.
• I hate everyone, so why should I like you? You’ll need a good story to tell.
• If you’re looking for someone considerate, kind and caring then you’d better swipe left.
• With three kids and one on the way, I’m looking for a father for them. Could you be the one?
• Bald man with no job, no money, no prospects and living with his parents is looking for a good woman with her own house and car. Could you be the one?
A game warden is doing his rounds around the lake when he spots a guy carrying what appears to be a bucket full of fish.
“Hey, buddy,” shouts the game warden. “Do you have a valid permit to catch those fish?”
“No, sir, I don’t have a permit,” the guy responds sheepishly. “But, these are my own pet fish.”
“PET FISH?” the game warden exclaims. “What the hell do you mean, pet fish?”
“Well, back home I only have a tiny pond in my yard,” says the guy. “So, every night I bring them down here to allow them to swim around and get some exercise. I give them half an hour then I whistle, and they all jump back in the bucket.”
“What a load of baloney,” says the game warden. “Fish are not like dogs. They don’t respond to someone whistling.”
The guy thinks hard momentarily and then he says, “I can show you if you like.”
“Really?” says the game warden, quizzically. “Right, you show me!”
So, they walk back down to the lake and the guy tips the bucket and pours the fish back into the water.
He then stands there for what seems like an age.
Eventually, wondering what’s going on, the game warden says, “Well?”
“Well, what?” the guy responds.
“Call them back,” says the game warden.
“Call who back,” says the guy.
“The fish!” says the game warden, getting increasingly exasperated.
“Fish?” the guy responds, looking a little puzzled. “What fish?”
Moral of the Story: To prove guilt, you’ll need evidence.
How Are You?…
• Better inside than outside.
• If I had a tail, I’d wag it.
• My lawyer told me not to answer that question.
• It depends on what or who I compare myself to.
• I plead the fifth.
• Upright and sucking air.
• Somewhere between blah and meh.
• The doctors say I’ll make it.
• You first so we can compare.
• I still haven’t figured it out.
• Can’t complain. I tried, but no one listens.
• I’m ready for a nap.
• Good, I am (Like Yoda).
• I love you (It’ll catch them off guard).
• It could be payday.
• I would say 9.99 out of 10.
• Incredible, fantastic, and stellar. But, dead inside.
• Busy slaying dragons. You?
• Great! But, I’m totally biased.
• Dangerously close to being fabulous.
• I’m medium-well.
• Incredibly good looking.
• Do you want to summary or long version?
• It’s a secret.
• Your attempt at social interaction is hereby acknowledged.
• Your attempt at politeness has been noted, fellow human.
• Living the dream. So far, it’s a nightmare.
• Next question, please.
• Under construction.
• Well, I’m sober.
• I’ll leave that up to your imagination.
• Physically? Mentally? Spiritually? Financially?
• Things could be worse. I could be you.
• Why do you ask? Are you a doctor? Because I have this thing on my butt cheek.
• How am I doing what?
• Wow! It’s been years since someone asked me that.
• I’ve slipped into the 7th circle of hell, and you?
• Different day, same existence.
• Better than some, and not as good as most.
• Is that a pick-up line?
• In bed?
The Baseball Game
One day the Devil challenges God to a baseball game between teams from Heaven and Hell.
God smiled and said, “Hell wouldn’t have a chance.”
“Why?” queried the Devil.
“Oh Devil, come on now? I’ve got the greatest baseball players of all time. Hey, I’ve got Babe Ruth and Mickey Mantle. I’ve even got the Yankee Clipper, Joe DiMaggio. Who have you got?” said God.
The Devil grinned and said, “Well God, impressive as your list is, I’ve still got all the umpires.”
• Me? Sarcastic? Never!
• Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.
• Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.
• If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
• Stupidity is not a crime. So you’re free to go
• Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
• Your flexibility amazes me. How do you get your foot in your mouth and you head up your ass at the same time?
• You never learn anything by doing it right.
• If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, don’t ask a stupid question.
• I’m returning your nose dear! I found it in my business.
• I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.
• From the moment I saw you I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life avoiding you.
• If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
• I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.
• Am I free tomorrow? No, I’m expensive.
• The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
• Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.
• I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.
• I disagree but I respect your right to be stupid.
• I stopped listening, so why don’t you stop talking?
• Patience: What you have when there are far too many witnesses.
The Perfect Day For Men vs. Woman
The perfect day for her:
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out
12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30lbs
1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
4:00 3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer
4:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
5:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, prim before the mirror
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
10:00 Hot shower (alone)
10:30 Make love
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms
The perfect day for him!
6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today
7:00 Breakfast, Filet Mignon and eggs, toast and coffee
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Stoli Bloody Mary en-route to airport
8:15 DFW – Private G4 to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee, SI and WSJ)
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under)
11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens
12:30 Back nine Augusta (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini)
2:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap)
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew
4:30 Land world record for light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs)
5:00 G4 back to DFW, massage & hand job en-route by naked Kathy Ireland
6:45 Shit, shower and shave
7:00 Watch CNN newsflash: All your stocks have increased 10,000%, sell them all, then they all tank.
7:30 Dinner, Lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963), 20 oz. New York Steak
9:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar
9:30 S ex with three women
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi
11:45 Bed (alone)
11:50 12 second, 4 note fart, dog leaves the room