Friday Fun Stuff – 5-30-14

Flight Attendant’s Hilarious Safety Instruction Video

Funny Animals Video!

Now That I’m Older, Here’s What I’ve Discovered

Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don’t really give a rat’s ass anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn’t run and does mostly nothing except eat, yet it lives for 150 years. And they tell us to exercise? I don’t think so

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded
5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.
8. Some days, you’re the top dog, some days you’re the tree.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
15. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . They’re everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m “here after”.
19. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
20. Have I sent this message to you before…or did I get it from you?

Top 10 Slogans Microsoft And Intel Won’t Use

10. Like television, but without that pesky reliability.
9. Ease of use from the people who brought you DOS and the 286.
8. Works better on tough headaches than Larry Ellison’s NC.
7. Proud to be your node.
6. Intel (and not much else) inside.
5. In cyberspace, no one can hear you scream.
4. NetPC: computing for dummies.
3. Microsoft NetPC: because we can.
2. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
And the #1 slogan
1. Have you had your crash today?

New Virus

FYI…

There is a new virus. The code name is WORK. If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your system.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life.

If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry.

I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive, so I’m headed for the bar anyway . . . it never hurts to be safe.

5 Secrets To A Perfect Relationship

1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.

4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It’s very, very important that these four women don’t know each other.

Rules For Cats

I. DOORS
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it’s raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.

II. CHAIRS AND RUGS
If you have to vomit, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When vomit on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human’s bare foot.

III. BATHROOMS
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I) It is not necessary to do anything – just sit and stare.

IV. HELPING
If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping”; humans are known to refer to it as hampering”. The following are the rules for “helping”:
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim – to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love that.

V. WALKING
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are:
1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms;
2) In the dark; and
3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their coordination skills.

VI. BEDTIME
Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.

VII. COMPUTERS
1: Only show interest in computers that are turned ON, the operator will need your help.
2: Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner’s sight and cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and the person operating the computer. For best results, stands as close to the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.
3: Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice aiming at alt-F4, N, and ctrl-alt-del.
4: Floppy disk make great scratching posts. Nothing beats floppies when it’s time to sharpen your nails.
5: Always chase the mouse. Your owner can’t blame you for this, since it’s your feline instinct to chase mice.

You Might Work In An ER If…

• discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal to you
• you believe that “Shallow Gene Pool” should be a valid diagnosis
• you’ve contended with someone who thinks 4 hour constipation is an emergency
• you’ve ever referred to someone’s death as a transfer to the “Eternal Care Unit”
• you can diagnose passers-by at the mall by their physical appearance
• you’ve ever entered a patient’s chief complaint as “I’m drunk”
• you automatically multiply by 3 the number of drinks they claim to have had
• you refer to motorcyclists as “organ donors”
• you’ve 4 types of patients: urgent, emergent, non-emergent, & “SIO” (sleeping it off)
• your idea of excitement is a full cardiac arrest at shift change
• you’ve ever had a patient with a nose-ring tell you “I’m afraid of shots”
• you have ever referred to someone’s death as a “Celestial Discharge”
• you’ve ever walked away from a patient to avoid laughing uncontrollably
• you don’t have to ask “frequent flyers” any history…you fill it in from memory
• you can still find humor in other people’s stupidity
• you’ve ever answered a “lost condom” phone call
• you’ve said to a triage nurse, “Is it urgent?” as you take your first break in hours
• you believe a good tape job will fix almost anything
• you think the impending arrival of an MVA (auto accident) is a chance to eat lunch
• you’ve ever referred to a body bag as a “To Go” bag
• you think of chocolate, coffee, Coca-Cola & frozen yogurt as the 4 food groups
• you’ve ever thought “as long as he’s got a pulse, I won’t worry about that rhythm”
• you debate over spaghetti & meatballs or pizza, while performing gastric lavage
• you refer to repeat infant visits in the same night is “DPS” (dumb parent syndrome)
• you think it’s a compliment when Policemen say you’re crude, crass & cynical
• you can calculate dosages in your head, but can’t seem to balance your checkbook
• you can keep a straight face as the patient responds “I just had two beers”
• your social skills are lacking, since your anecdotes revolve around blood

What I Want In A Man!

What I Want in a Man, Original List (age 22)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady – splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet

Telemarketing Repellant

1. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
2. Say “no” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
3. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends, would you be my friend?”
4. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout…”
5. If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?”
6. Ask them to repeat everything they say several times.
7. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Ken, playing a joke. “Come on, Ken, cut it out! Seriously, Ken, how’s your mom?”
8. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
9. When the salesperson asks, “Is this the homeowner?” say, “Is this the salesperson?” And when they say, “Yes,” hang up.
10. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their home phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The telemarketer will agree and you say, “Me either!” Hang up.

Senior Dating In Florida

You can say what you want about Florida, but you never hear about anyone retiring and moving up north.
These are actual ads seen in ”The Villages” Florida newspaper.

FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty in her 80’s.
I’m slim, 5’4′ (used to be 5’6′), Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt, a plus.
—————————————————-
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband.
Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.
Dizziness, Fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
—————————————————-
SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.
If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
—————————————————-
WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth, seeking a dedicated flossier to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
—————————————————-
BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
—————————————————-
MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.
And A favorite

MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.

Things I Didn’t Learn In Hebrew School

1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

2. Where there’s smoke, there may be salmon.

3. No meal is complete without leftovers.

4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.

5. A shmata is a dress that your husband’s ex is wearing.

6. You need ten men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.

7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.

8. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Nordstroms.

9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

10. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.

11. Next year in Jerusalem . The year after that, how about a nice cruise?