Ministry of Silly Walks – Monty Python
After careful consideration, we have decided that it is no longer in the best interests of everyone involved to proceed with 2020.
While we recognize that a lot of hard work has gone into preparing for 2020, if we’re honest it has turned into a bit Of a shit show and we feel it is best to just call it Off.
We understand that some of you were looking forward to seeing what cruel and peculiar cluster fu(k of a disaster 2020 would throw up next. But on balance we believe it is probably best not to find out.
We will instead provide ticket-holders with a full refund or an exchange, and Start afresh with 2021 on Monday.
Our plan is to deliver a more enjoyable year, similar to say 2016, which everyone thought was the absolute worst year of all time, but in retrospect was a fucking walk in the park.
See you next year.
Upcoming Schedule For The Rest Of The Year
December……Parallel Universe Clone War
Hey She Started It
A guy asked a girl in a library; “Do you mind if I sit beside you”?
The girl answered with a loud voices, “I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!”
All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed. After a
couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and she told him “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?”
The guy responded with a loud voice: “$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!!!? THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!”
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears; “I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty”
Really Bad Analogies Written by High School Students
1. Her eyes were like two brown circles With big black dots in the center.
2. He was as tall as-a 6’3″ tree:
3. Her face was a perfect oval. like a circle that had its sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
4. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie. surreal quality, like when-you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
S. John and Mary had never met. They Were like two hummingbirds who had never met.
6. She had a deep. throaty. genuine laugh. like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
7. The ballerina rose gracefully and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
8. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, either real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
9. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever:
10. She grew on him like she a colony Of E. coli and he was room—temperature Canadian beef.
11. The revelation that his marriage Of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
12. The lamp just sat there. like an inanimate object.
A female, usually between the ages of 12 and 19, that is obsessed with a particular fictional character and, in turn, the actor that portrays said character.
Avoid fangirls in large groups, as they do tend to swarm, and if you are unlucky enough to catch them near their object of admiration, cover your ears. They have a batlike shriek that can be heard from several city blocks away. All young actors beware.
(see also: Stalker in training)
What NOT To Say To A Police Officer
• I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
• Is that a 9mm? That’s nothing 100k at my 44 Magnum.
• You must have been going over 20 to keep up with me.
• Sorry Officer my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
• I was going to be a COP but I decided to finish high school instead.
• Are you the guy from the Village People?
• Bad Cop. No doughnut.
• Your not going to check my truck are you?
• Gee that gut doesn’t inspire confidence.
• Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
• I pay your salary.
• Wow, you look like the guy in picture on my girlfriends nightstand.
• I thought you had to be in good shape to be a police officer.
• Is it true people become COPS because they can’t get a job at McDonald’s?
• Well, When I reached down to pick up my bag Of crack, my gun fell out and lodged between the brake and gas.
The Mom Test
I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
‘Why?’ my daughter asked.
‘Because it’s been on the ground; you don’t know where it’s been; it’s dirty; and it probably has
germs,’ I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, ‘Mum, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.’
I was thinking quickly and replied, ‘All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mom Test. You have to
know it, or they don’t let you be a Mom.’
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. ‘Oh. …I get it!’ she beamed, ‘So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the dad.’
‘Exactly,’ I replied with a big smile on my face.
When you’re finished laughing, send this to a Mom.
More Funny Comebacks
• Everyone said you were unpleasant but I didn’t believe them ……. until now.
• Sorry but you’re confusing me with someone who actually cares about what you think.
• Are you always such an idiot or do you just like to show off when I’m around?
• I understand what you’re saying but if I agreed with you then we’d both be wrong.
• Everyone’s entitled to act stupid once in a while but you’re abusing the privilege.
• Remember when I asked for your opinion? Well, me neither.
• No wonder everyone talks about you behind your back.
• It’s better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you’re stupid rather than open it and remove all doubt.
• Mirrors don’t lie, and lucky for you, they don’t laugh either.
• I don’t remember asking for your opinion.
• I was going to give you a nasty look but I can see you already got one.
• I’m busy, you’re ugly. Have a nice day.
• Why don’t you check eBay and see if they have a life for sale.
• I hope you step on a Lego in your bare feet.
• You only annoy me when you’re breathing, really.
• Of course I talk like an idiot. How else would you be able to understand me?
• You can keep rolling your eyes if you must but you’re unlikely to find a brain back there.
• I don’t know what your problem is but I’m guessing it’s hard to pronounce.
• Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
• You sir are a human version of period cramps.
Why English Is Hard To Learn
We’ll begin with box; the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox is oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, and two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose is never called meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a house full of mice;
But the plural of house is houses, not hice.
The plural of man is always men,
But the plural of pan is never pen.
If I speak of afoot, and you show me two feet,
And I give you a book, would a pair be a beek?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn’t two booths be called beeth?
If the singular’s this and the plural is these,
Should the plural of kiss be ever called keese?
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his, and him;
But imagine the feminine … she, shis, and shim!
What She Means
I’ve been looking for this for my whole life!
What each kiss means;
•Kiss on the stomach; ready.
•Kiss on the Forehead; I hope we’re together forever.
•Kiss On the Ear; You’re my everything.
•Kiss on the Cheek; We’re friends,
•Kiss on the Hand; I adore you.
•Kiss on the Neck; We belong together.
•Kiss On the, Shoulder; I want you.
•Kiss on the Lips; love you.
What the gesture means;
•Holding Hands; We definitely like each other.
•Slap on the Butt; That’s mine.
•Holding on tight; don’t want to let go.
•Looking into each other’s Eyes; I just plain like you.
•Playing with Hair; Tell me you love me.
•Arms around the Waist; I like you too much to let go
•Laughing while Kissing; I am completely comfortable with you