Disney Owns You: Marvel Studios
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Here Comes The Judge – Sammy Davis Jr – Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In
10 Things Never To Say To A Working Mom
1. It must be hard missing all those special moments every day.
2. I suppose it’s smart that you’re working. You know, in case your husband leaves you some day.
3. I’m surprised you went back to work. Your husband seems so successful.
4. It’s cute when they call your nanny “Mama.”
5. I just love my kids too much to leave them during the day.
6. Did you see Dateline? The one with the hidden camera in the day care?
7. I could never let someone else raise my children. But that’s just me!
8. I hated my mom because she was never home after school like everyone else’s mom.
9. You must feel so guilty.
10. I wish I were as laid-back as you and could just let the housework go.
Age Vs Wisdom
A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,
“Pick me up.”
He looked around and couldn’t see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,
“Pick me up.” He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.
The man said, “Are you talking to me?”
The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride.”
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.”
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
“Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
Funny Condom Slogans
1. Cover your stump before you hump.
2. Don’t be silly, protect your Willie.
3. It you think she’s spunky, cover your monkey.
4. If you go into heat, package your meat.
5. Don’t make a mistake, cover your snake.
6. No glove, no love.
7. Cloak the joker before you poke her.
8. Don’t be a fool, cover your tool.
9. Stop the stream before you cream.
10. Protect that fish then dip it in the dish.
11. Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel.
12. Bag the mole then do her hole.
13. Cover your stone before you bone.
14. Pack it in plastic, it’ll be fantastic.
15. Wrap your meat before you beat.
16. Wrap it before you slap it.
17. Armour the tank before you enter the flank.
18. Leash your net before launching your jet.
19. No shirt, no flirt!
20. Dress him up before you mess her up.
CDC Medical Alert
The CDC has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever – DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK, you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes – Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Re-booter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is, sadly, controlling your life.
Life In Your 20s, 30s, & 40s
In my 20s: I want a social life, a relationship and adventure!
In my 30s: I want a career, a house and stability!
In my 40s: I want snacks, the couch and everyone to leave me the heck
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favorite color, he’s my soulmate.
Catching up with friends in my 20s: How are you?
Catching up with friends in my 30s: HOW are your kids?
Catching up with friends in my 40s: How is your gallbladder?
In my 20s: i want to look good
In my 30s: i want to be sensible
In my 40s: i don’t want to feel any fabric pressing into my body anywhere
In my 20s: hiking, painting
In my 30s: board games, travel
In my 40s: singing the wrong numbers in the lyrics to “Seasons of Love” from Rent to infuriate my daughter
20s: I don’t have any weekend plans. :~(
30s: I don’t have any weekend plans?
40s: I don’t have any weekend plans! :~)
Me in my 20s: “What’s the playbook for this?”
Me in my 30s: “Here’s the playbook for this.”
Me in my 40s: “There is no playbook for this.”
20s: Sorta tired LOL
30s: Oof I got puffy eyes
40s: My face has been replaced by a potato
My 20s: If I eat that nothing bad will happen
My 30s: If I eat that I’ll gain weight
My 40s: If I eat that it’s gonna hurt
20s: Living with a roommate isn’t so bad.
30s: All roommates are psychotic and I want to live alone forever.
40s (living with Husband, Mother & her cat, Kids): All roommates are psychotic and I…
20′s me at a concert: “Woohoo!”
40′s me at a concert: “I’m surprised there’s grass on this field at all. All this beer spillage can’t be good for the turf. Must be Fescue. I don’t think Bermuda could take this abuse.”
20s – Friends talk about best happy hours in town.
30s – Friends talk about best mortgage lender in town.
40s – Friends talk about best gastroenterologist in town, and then go on to enlighten each other about the gory details of colonoscopy prep.
20s: I don’t eat candy at the movies anymore, just buttered popcorn.
30s: I only drink beer on the weekend.
40s: The only thing I’m allowed to eat is calciferous vegetables between the hours of 2pm and 4pm on weekdays.
Me in my 20s: Young
Me in my 30s: Young and the Restless
Me in my 40s: Young and the Restless Leg Syndrome
Your best friend in your Teens: See them EVERY DAY or it’s over
Your best friend in your 20s: You see them most
Your best friend in your 30s: You catch up w/them most
Your best friend in your 40s: Think they’re still alive?
In 20s: This is lame, but tomorrow I’ll rock
In 30s: IT’S THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE
In 40s: It’s 8, I should go home
Teens: let’s get high and walk around aimlessly
20s: let’s get high and make art
30s: let’s get high and fuck
40s: let’s get high and see the Winston Churchill biopic
Me in my 20s: I’m probably just hungover
Me in my 30s: I’m probably just sick
Me in my 40s: I’m probably just dying
20s: I’m going to change the world
30s: I’m going to change my life
40s: [changes TV] how in the fuck does this new remote work?
In my 20s: I need to do that
In my 30s: I should do that
In my 40s: I’m not doing that
Your twenties are for partying, your thirties for getting sober, and your forties? that’s for napping.
In my 50s: Fuck everyone in their 20s, 30s, 40s, and stay off my lawn!
Fine I’ll Take Everything Off!
So I took off her shirt. Then she said,
“Take off my skirt.”
I took of her skirt.
“Take off my shoes.”
I took off her shoes.
“Now take off my bra and panties.”
and so I took them off.
Then she looked at me and said, “I don’t want to catch you wearing my things ever again.”
More South Park Quotes
Kenny: Mmmmf mmmf mmmmmf mmmmmmm mmmmf mmmmf mmmmmmmmf mmmf.
Stan: Totally, dude.
Kyle: Good point, man.
Cartman: Kenny’s family is so poor, they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage.
Satan: Saddam. But… I killed you.
Saddam Hussein: Well where was I supposed to go, Detroit?
Mr. Garrison: Don’t lie, Stan. Lying makes you sterile.
Leopold ‘Butters’ Stotch: Everything is back to normal. I-I think… I think I can go back to trying to destroy the world again.
Mr. Garrison: Well, damn it, Eric, don’t you have some smart-ass thing to say?
MTV announcer: You’re watching MTV, the cool, brainwashing, 12-year-old-and-younger station that hides behind a slick image. We’re so cool that we decide what’s cool. And now MTV News. The News that is single-handedly dumbing-down our country, which is cool.
Mrs. Crabtree: Sit down or the bunny dies!
Stan Marsh: This is hopeless. We’re just going to have to face that the commercialism has been sucked out of Christmas.
Hell, everything’s legal in Mexico. It’s the American way. – Uncle Jimbo
In other news, a pink eye epidemic is now sweeping the town of South Park. Here with a live report is a midget wearing a bikini. – The Newsreader
No, that’s wrong, Cartman. But don’t worry, there are no stupid answers, just stupid people. – Mr. Garrison
Stan: Oh my god! They killed Kenny.
Kyle: [unenthusiastically] You bastard.
Stan: [with a sigh, calmly] Oh, my God, we killed Kenny.
Kyle: [shouts] We killed Kenny?
Stan: Yup. We’re bastards.
Stan: Oh my god. Jay Leno’s chin killed Kenny.
Kyle: You bastard.
Jay Leno: Ah, who cares? He dies every episode.
Interviewer: So, are you guys as anti-Semitic as some might believe?
Matt Stone (Co-Creator of South Park): You know, a lot of people have accused South Park of anti-Semitism, but I’m Jewish, and so I can say with some certainty that I am not anti-Semitic.
Trey Parker(The Other Creator of South Park): I am, however.
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in
awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20
bills falling Out of that bag.”
“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and
see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer..”
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all that
money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to
the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and
through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used
to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’ So, now, on game days, I
stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge
clippers. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I
surprise him, Grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Well, you know”, said the little old lady, “not everybody pays.”
Our Society Is Doomed
I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 and I said, “May I have large bills, please”
She looked at me and said “I’m sorry sir, all the bills are the same size.”
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her….
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’ I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, ‘NO, it’s not.’ Four is larger than two.’
We haven’t used Sears repair since.
My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said ‘We’re sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.’
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD’s.
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’
From Kingman, KS
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
– From Kansas City
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’
To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’
He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing,’ our manager commented cheerfully, ‘This is fun. We should do this more often.’
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
How would you pronounce this child’s name?
Lee – A?? NOPE
Lay – a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It’s pronounced “Ledasha”.
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, “the dash don’t be silent.”
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don’t be silent.
They walk among us……and they VOTE
Subject Drug Warning
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, partygoers and unsuspecting bar regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
A date rape drug on the market called “beer” is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large “kegs.”
“Beer” is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of “beer” and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several “beers” men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking “beer” men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life’s savings in a familiar scam known as “a relationship.”
It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as “marriage.”
Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after “beer” is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
However, if you fall victim to this insidious “beer” and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just Google “Golf Courses” in my area.