Jingleheimer Junction – SNL
How To Piss Off Your Teenager:
1. Say good morning
2. Sing any 80′s song
3. Say I love you in public
4. Tag them on social media
Make Up Your Mind
A wife got so mad at her husband, that she packed his bags and told him to get the hell out.
As he walks to the door she yelled, I hope you die a long, slow, and painful death!
He turned around and said, so you want me to stay?
If Men Got Pregnant
1. Maternity leave would last two years….with full pay.
2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.
3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem.
5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
8. They wouldn’t think twins were so cute.
9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
12. They’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree’s.
14. Women would rule the world.
So Let Me Get This Straight
I go to the grocery store and buy:
A pound of sliced ham in a plastic bag,
A loaf of bread in a plastic bag,
A gallon of milk in a plastic jug,
A pack of napkins in plastic wrap,
A store-made salad in a plastic tub,
A plastic bottle of mustard,
And a plastic bottle of ketchup.
But they won’t give me a plastic bag to carry it all home, because the plastic bag is bad for the environment?
Laws Of Household Physics
Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:
1. A child’s eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.
2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.
3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.
4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.
5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.
6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.
7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.
8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.
9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.
10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies.
What Do I Look Like?
Wife: Honey can you please help me in the garden?
Husband: Do I look like a gardener?
Wife: Sorry honey, OK then fix the bathroom door.
Husband: Do I look like a carpenter? Then the husband walks out. After coming home, he found the garden clean and the door fixed.
Husband: I knew you could do this all by yourself.
Wife: It wasn’t me.
Husband: Who then?
Wife: John our neighbor
Husband: How much did you pay him?
Wife: No money, I just gave him two options, bread or sex.
Husband: Hope you gave him bread.
Wife: Do I look like baker?
Men’s Greeting Cards
A survey has found that about 90% of all Hallmark greeting cards are purchased by women. In order to attract more males to buy and exchange greeting cards, the following are some greeting card suggestions created to attract more male buyers:
Cover picture: Dim, misty, moody picture of a vase of roses.
Cover caption: Condolences
Inside caption: …on the loss of your remote control.
Cover picture: Nostalgic picture of a young couple strolling through a field holding hands.
Cover caption: Darling, as we go into our 10th year together…
Inside caption: I swear I’ll leave my wife soon!
Cover picture: Gold-leafed picture of a vase of red roses.
Cover caption: Get well soon, darling!
Inside caption: This house doesn’t clean itself!
Cover picture: Two men standing on lush golf course, one of them ready to putt.
Cover caption: To my golf partner…
Inside caption: Just to let you know, I’m sleeping with my secretary.
Cover picture: Dark moody picture of a vase of roses.
Cover caption: In sympathy, I’m sorry to hear the news…
Inside caption: That you’ve been beaten senseless again in another bar fight.
Cover picture: Norman Rockwell-ish painting of a young girl picking daisies.
Cover caption: To the daughter that I love…
Inside caption: No daughter of mine is leaving this house dressed like a slut!
Cover picture: Misty photo of a couple embracing and kissing.
Cover caption: To my wonderful wife…I know we’ve had a little disagreement
Inside caption: But please don’t cut off my se x organ as I sleep tonight!
Cover picture: Photo of two men shaking hands.
Cover caption: Congratulations and the best of luck!
Inside caption: To the installation of your new hair plugs!
Why Men Hate The 21st Century
For all those men who say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free”.
Here’s an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why?
Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.
Show Me The Money!
A fool and his money are asked to go everywhere!
A fool and his money are soon elected.
A fool and his money are soon popular.
A fool and his money is my kind of customer!
If money’s the root of all evil, why do churches want it?
All I ask is to prove that money can’t make me happy.
Come to Florida, bring money, BUT GET THE HECK OFF OUR BEACH!
Even the blind can see money.
Expert – Someone who knows less, but makes more money.
It’s not the money I want, it’s the stuff.
Life is a game. Money is how we keep score.
Money burns a hole in my pocket…how about yours?
Money is like an arm or leg, use it or lose it.
Money is the root of all bills.
Money may buy “friendship,” but it cannot buy love.
Money Talks – and it usually says NO!!
Never forget a friend, especially if he owes you money.
Political Motto: I had some morals; sold them for money.
This country has the best politicians money can buy.
Time and Money. Two things we don’t have enough of.
Turbo-Tax took money out of my Quicken directory.
Visit your money this year…vacation in Washington D.C.
When money talks, it usually says “Bend over.”
You infernal machine! Give me a soda or my money back!
No one kills over drugs…they kill over money.
Alimony? …sounds kind like all your money
Would You Higher This Guy?
Editor: you said you wanted to pitch a fun new comic strip character?
Charles Schultz: His name is Charlie Brown, and he is a child with generalized anxiety disorder. He’s depressed as shit, and he sucks at sports.
Schultz: Also he is bald.