Friday Fun Stuff – 7-8-22

Elmo & Robin Williams Outtakes

Everything That Will Kill You… From A to Z

Bumper Stickers

Former Baby On Board
Adults On Board We Want To Live Too.
The Fact That No One Understands You Doesn’t Mean You’re An Artist
I Believe In A Better World Where Chickens Can Cross The Road Without Having Their Motives Questioned
If You Can Read This I’m Not Impressed. Most People Can Read
Sorry For Driving So Close In Front Of You.
If History Repeats Itself, I’m So Getting A Dinosaur
Buckle Up! It Makes It Harder For The Aliens To Suck You Out Of Your Car
I Don’t Suffer From Insanity I Enjoy Every Minute Of It
I Used To Be Cool
I’m Having An Out-of-money Experience
I Make My Own Beer … So I Got That Goin’ For Me… Which Is Nice.
There’s No Reason To Tailgate Me When Doing 50 In a 35….and Those Flashing Light On Top Of Your Car Look Ridiculous
I Was An Honor Student…I Don’t Know What Happened
Please Don’t Hit Me
Honk If I Look Sleepy
Obey Gravity! It’s The Law!
Honk If You Like Noise
You Shall Not Pass!
I Brake 4 Bacon Wrapped Hot Dogs
Outrageous Older Woman
Tree Hugging Dirt Worshiper
My Other Car Is Rocket Powered
After The Rapture, Can I Have Your Car?
Now The Voices Are Texting Me
Preserve Wildlife, Pickle A Squirrel
Pass Quietly, Driver Asleep
Procrastinate Now! Don’t Put Off Putting Off! Procrastinators Club Of America
Auntie Em: Hate You, Hate Kansas, Taking The Dog. – Dorothy
No Baby On Board! I Invest In Durex!
If Money Is The Root Of All Evil, Why Do Churches Beg For It?
Sorry I Missed Church; I’ve Been Busy Practicing Witchcraft And Becoming A Lesbian.
Dislexics Are Teople Poo
I’ve Got A Perfect Body, But It’s In The Trunk And Beginning To Smell
Stupidity Isn’t A “Handicap” Park Somewhere Else
I’d Tell You To Go To Hell But I Work There And I Don’t Want To See You Every Day!
I Think, Therefore I’m Single
Don’t Drink & Park Accidents Cause People
Be Nice To Your Kids They’ll Choose Your Nursing Home
I Hate Bumper Stickers

A Little Beer And Some Philosophic Musings

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple of nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally, I thought about an age old question: is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “it might be nice to have another child.” On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”

More Fuck My Life

Today, I thought I heard my little sister playing on my brand new grand piano. Angry, I ran downstairs to stop her. My parents were having sex. On my piano. FML

Today, I found out I have a daughter. How did I find out? She added me on Facebook. FML

Today, I noticed a string was following behind our family cat. After close inspection I realized it was a plastic kite string he partially digested. I had to pull the other three feet of plastic kite tail from his rectum. He purred the entire time. FML

Today, I went into labor with my first child, and as much as I pleaded, I had to wait for my husband to finish his raid in World of Warcraft before he’d take me to the hospital. FML

Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting. FML

Today, I’m playing basketball with my little brother. After jokingly blocking his shot, he turns to me and says “You’re a bitch.” He’s 6. After asking where he heard that word, he responded with “Daddy calls you that when you’re not around.” FML

Today, I was at the mall with my mom. She was pissing me off, so I started screaming at her and causing a scene. I ended up falling all the way down the up escalator. Everyone saw and people clapped. FML

Today, my parents told me about how they met. I’d already known they were eight years apart, but I never knew my dad started dating my mom when he was 21 and she was 13. FML

Today, I found out that my husband named our daughter after his favorite porn star. FML

Today, I found out my little sister was a stripper. At the same time, she found out that when I said I was having a “quiet birthday with some friends,” what I really meant was “hiring a stripper to jump out of a cake.” FML

Today, I found out that my best friend lost her virginity to my father. Her excuse? She was drunk. His excuse? “She’s hot.” FML

Today, my cat learned how to flush the toilet while I was in the shower. His transformation from cute kitten to pure evil entity is now complete. FML

Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML

A Great Way To Clean Your Toilet!!!

Great Directions here for a real clean toilet!!! Easy too!!!!

1. Lift the lid & seat on your toilet bowl and add a couple of capfuls of shampoo to the water.

2. Go to the other room where the cat is sleeping, pick it up and soothe it while you carry it towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid (You may need to stand on the lid, afterwards). The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
(Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)

4. Flush the toilet three or four times.
(This provides a “power-wash” and “rinse”)

5. Have someone open the closest door to the outside (Be sure that no one is between the toilet and the outside door.)

6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

7. The cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where it will dry itself. After this procedure, both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean!

Sincerely,
The Dog

Signs You’ve Chosen a “No Frills” Airline

1. You can’t board the plane unless you have the exact change.
2. Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
3. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
4. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
5. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
6. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, “Just once.”
7. No movie. Don’t need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
8. You see a man with a gun, but he’s demanding to be let off the plane.
9. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
10. They don’t sell tickets, they sell chances.
11. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
12. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

Movie Ratings Explained

G: Nobody gets the girl.
PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl.
R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.
X: Everybody Gets The Girl.
XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their cock-er spaniel.

Things You’ll Never Hear From A Redneck

1. “I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex”
2. “Duct tape won’t fix that.”
3. “Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.”
4. “We don’t keep firearms in this house.”
5. “You can’t feed that to the dog.”
6. “I thought Graceland was tacky.”
7. “No kids in the back of the pick-up…it’s not safe.”
8. “Professional wresslin’s fake.”
9. “Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?”
10. “We’re vegetarians.”
11. “Do you think my hair is too big?”
12. “I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.”
13. “Honey, these bonsai trees need watering.”
14. “I don’t understand the appeal of NASCAR.”
15. “Give me the small bag of pork rinds.”
16. “Deer heads detract from the decor.”
17. “Spitting is such a nasty habit.”
18. “I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.”

Why Did No One Think Of This Before?

There should be a whiskey truck that drives around blasting bagpipe music in the evenings and we run with our money like an ice cream truck, but you know… with whiskey!

What Really Pisses Me Off………

ONE
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time….I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

TWO
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

THREE
When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Fu(king right! What good is a cake if you can’t eat it?

FOUR
When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why the fu(k would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

FIVE
When people say while watching a film “did you see that?” No tosser, I paid 10 bucks to come to the movies and stare at the fu(king floor.

SIX
People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

SEVEN
When something is ‘new and improved!’ Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

EIGHT
When people say “life is short”. What the fu(k?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fu(king does!! What can you do that’s longer?

NINE
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here, di(khead?

TEN
People who say things like ‘My eyes aren’t what they used to be’. So what did they used to be? ears,

ELEVEN
When you’re eating something and someone asks ‘Is that nice?’ No it’s really revolting – I always eat stuff I hate.

TWELVE
People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.

THIRTEEN
McDonald’s staff who pretend they don’t understand you unless you insert the ‘Mc’ before the item you are ordering…..It’s has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks……….Well, I’ll get a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fu(kin McTosser.

FOURTEEN
When you involved in an accident and someone asks ‘are you alright?’ Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off

FIFTEEN
When people say ‘can I borrow a piece of paper I’ll pay you back’ It’s one god damn piece of paper you fu(king retards I don’t want it back

SIXTEEN
When lazy a$$holes abbreviate ‘fu(king’ as ‘fu(kin’. Why?

You People Have Really Dirty Minds

Riddle: What gets long when you jerk it, fits between boobs, slides in a hole and loves to be pulled?

Answer: A seat belt you pervert.

Just In Case You Didn’t Realize It