Girl Stuff – Jokes – Lists

Advantages Of Being A Woman
1.If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
2.We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
3.If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
4.We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
5.If we’re dumb, some people will find it cute.
6.We don’t have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
7.We have the ability to dress ourselves.
8.We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
9.If we marry someone 20 years younger, we’re aware that we look like an idiot.
10.Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether there’s spinach in our teeth.
11.There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
12.We’ll never regret piercing our ears.
13.We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
14.We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
15.We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
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Top Ten Ways To Tell If Martha Stewart Is Stalking Your Dog:
10. There’s potpourri hanging from your pooch’s collar.

9. The dog’s nails have been trimmed with pinking shears.

8. The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.

7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia bows.

6. That telltale lemon slice in the new silver water bowl.

5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.

4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.

3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of the doghouse.

2. Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing an apricot colored virgin wool hand-knitted sweater with matching boots.


1. The dog droppings in your backyard have been sculpted into swans.
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Tee-Shirts For Women
•Guys have feelings too…But like…who cares?
•Next mood swing: 6 minutes
•No, we haven’t met…and aren’t likely to either
•I hate everybody, and you’re next
•Please don’t make me kill you
•And your point is…
•I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re OK now
•I’m busy…You’re repulsive…Have a nice day
•Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it
•I know you want me…now stop the damn drooling
•No, I don’t remind you of anyone…I’m unique
•Of course I don’t look busy…I did it right the 1st time
•Why do guys with closed minds always open their mouths?
•I’m multitalented: I can talk & annoy you at the same time
•Don’t start with me…You won’t win
•You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!
•All stressed out and no one to choke
•I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people
•How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
•Sorry if I looked interested…I’m not!!!
•Don’t upset me…I’m running out of places to hide the bodies
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Kitchen Signs
•Dinner will be ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
•No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
•If, we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.
•A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
•Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
•A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
•Help keep the kitchen clean … eat out.
•Housework done properly can kill you.
•Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
•My next house will have no kitchen …just vending machines
•So this isn’t Home Sweet Home … Adjust!
•Martha Stewart doesn’t live here!!
•Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
•clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
•If you write in the dust, please don’t date it!
•I would cook dinner but I can’t find the can opener!
•My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
•I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
•If you don’t like my standards of cooking …lower your standards.
•Although you’ll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn’t always
•look like this: Some days it’s even worse.
•A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
•A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
•Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
•Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
•Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
•My next house will have no kitchen … just vending machines.
•I’d live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
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Rules Of Chocolate
•If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.

•Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

•The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

•Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.

•A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?

•If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.

•But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?

•If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

•If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don’t they actually counteract each other?

•Money talks. Chocolate sings.

•Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

•Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
  A. Because no one wants to quit.

•If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

•Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.
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Top Ten Tips To Know If You Have PMS
10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
9. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
6. You’re using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, “How’s my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT.”
5. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
4. You’re convinced there’s a God and he’s male.
3. You’re counting down the days until menopause.
2. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
1. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
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Why It's Better To Be A Woman!
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies … (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we’re gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE’RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It’s possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we’re dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don’t have to memorize Caddyshack or Monty Python to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we’re aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether there’s spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We’ll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
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New Seminars For Women
•The Auto Hood Release, What Is It And Why Is It There
•Life Beyond Shoes
•Money, The Non-Renewable Resource
•How To Get 90 Minutes Out Of An Hour
•Why Men Don’t Like Any Of Your Friends
•How Not To Be A Victim Of Marketing
•How To Get Out Of Bed Without Waking Up Your Man
•Is There Really Enough Makeup In The World
•How To Get The Most Out Of A Garbage Bag
•Cigar Smoke And Its Benefits
•Clocks And Time: The Mysterious Connection
•Tupperware: Its Social And Environmental Drawbacks
•Where To Look When Your Auto Is In Reverse
•Learning When Not To Talk, And Then Not Talking
•Quality Time: When You And Your Husband Should Spend Time Apart
•Beyond The Front Page: Exploring The Daily Newspaper
•How To Accept Criticism or When To Give Up On Cooking
•Telltales Sounds Associated With Auto Collisions
•Toilet Paper And The Loss Of The Rain Forests: The Vital Connection
•When Ignorance Can Be A Blessing: Household Finances And You
•How To Keep ‘Em Guessing, or: 101 Ways To Fold A Towel
•Talking And Driving: There’s Got To Be A Way
•How To Avoid Turning Into Your Mother
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A Woman's Dictionary
•Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.
•Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
•Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, “made the dinner.”
•Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
•Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
•Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
•Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
•Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
•Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
•Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
•Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See “Magician.”
•Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.
•Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say “focus,…breath…push…”
•Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…!
•Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
•Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also “tranquilizers.”
•Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
•Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card
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Quotes From Women
“You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.” — Erica Jong

“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.” — Rita Rudner

“I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.” — Dolly Parton

“I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.” — Wendy Liebman

“Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth to.” — Erma Bombeck

“If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.” — Sue Grafton

“I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can’t. So I grew hair under my arms instead.” — Sue Kolinsky

“I think…therefore I’m single.” — Lizz Winstead

“When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.” — Elayne Boosler

“I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch.” — Gilda Radner

“Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.” — Maryon Pearson

“Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel.” — Bella Abzug

“In politics, If you want anything said, ask a man; If you want anything done, ask a woman.” — Margaret Thatcher

“I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.” — Gloria Steinem

“Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.” — Baroness Edith Summerskill

“If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?” — Linda Ellerbee

“Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.” — Gloria Steinem

“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.” — Katharine Hepburn
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The Difference Between Most Men And REAL Men
Real Men….put you on the phone when their mothers call.
Most Men….pretend you’re not there when their moms call.

Real Men…claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.
Most Men…claim to be feminists because they let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.

Real Men…know what they want to be doing five years down the road.
Most Men…are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.

Real Men…really know how to make you relax.
Most Men….really know how to make you laugh.

Real Men…read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.
Most Men…read King, watch The Simpsons, play poker.

Real Men…make a lot of money before they are 30.
Most Men…make a lot of mistakes before they are 30.

Real Men…wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces.
Most Men…wear high school T-shirts they’ve actually owned since high school.

Real Men…think perfume (yours) is a turn-on.
Most Men…think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on.

Real Men…balance their checkbooks.
Most Men…balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.

Real Men…have an doctor, a lawyer, and an accountant.
Most Men…have a barber, a bartender and a mechanic.

Real Men…are afraid of becoming their fathers.
Most Men…are afraid of becoming Real Men.

Real Men…start their own businesses.
Most Men…quit their jobs.

Real Men…order wine based on more than the price.
Most Men…bring their own beer.
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15 Things PMS Stands For:
1.) Pass My Shotgun
2.) Psychotic Mood Shift
3.) Perpetual Munching Spree
4.) Puffy Mid-Section
5.) People Make me Sick
6.) Provide Me with Sweets
7.) Pardon My Sobbing
8.) Pimples May Surface
9.) Pass My Sweatpants
10.) Pissy Mood Syndrome
11.) Plainly, Men Suck
12.) Pack My Stuff
13.) Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
14.) Poor Me syndrome.
15.) Potential Murder Suspect
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Things A Stressed Woman May Say At Work
•Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
•Well, aren’t we a ray of sunshine?
•Don’t bother me; I’m living happily ever after.
•Do I look like a people person?
•I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
•Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
•Why don’t you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?
•I’m not crazy. I’ve been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
•Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
•Do they ever shut up on your planet?
•Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize haven’t gone to sleep yet!
•Back off!! You’re standing in my aura.
•Don’t worry. I forgot your name too.
•I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
•Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
•Wait. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
•Chaos, panic and disorder … my work here is done.
•You look like crap. Is that the style now?
•Look deeply into my eyes … Do you see one ounce of give-a-crap?
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Phrases All Guys Love To Hear
“I love when you drink beer and watch sports on the couch.”
“Dinner is ready!”
“Let me wash the dishes.”
“Thank you for helping with the kids today.”
“Alright honey, we won’t sell your truck to get a minivan.”
“Why don’t you take a man day for yourself?”
“The massage table is set up and the oil is warming.”
“You mean a lot to me and I’m proud of how hard you work for our family.”
“Your penis is perfect.”
“It’s so nice to be able to share my life with you.”
“I decided not to buy this… Oh, and you don’t have to go shopping with me.”
“You’re so strong.”
“Go out with your friends tonight — you deserve it.”
“Go ahead, you are in control (of the wheel, the remote, the travel plans, etc.).”
“Wow, that was amazing.”
“You were right.”
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Heartless Things To Say In The Ladies Dressing Room
1. That’s a bit expensive just for a dare isn’t it?
2. I saw a dress just like that one in Woolworths yesterday.
3. Hey, get out of here you filthy pervert! Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were a man…
4. I had a dress like that. My boyfriend made me throw it away because he said it made me look fat.
5. Pardon me, but I think that will clash terribly with your pimples…
6. Excuse me, but would you stop staring at me? Yes, YOU
7. Look, if you’re that desperate to attract a man I’ll fix you up myself
8. Excuse me for asking, but you seem to know something I don’t. Is the plain, severe and drab’ look in this season?
9. Size 12? That’s a bit optimistic isn’t it?
10. Hi, I’m from Weightwatchers…
11. I wouldn’t buy that dress if I were you. All it does is accentuate your roots
12. Excuse me, but since you’re obviously color blind would you like any help?
13. Isn’t it funny how some clothes just accentuate the tummy like that?
14. God, you’re fat. Don’t you care about yourself?
15. I’m sorry, I owe you an apology. I’m the store detective and I followed you in here because I thought you’d stuffed six dresses, four skirts and a raincoat up your jumper but I can see now that it’s really all you…
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Female Rules
1. PMS is every woman’s prerogative. It is always a good enough excuse for anything, and take advantage of it whenever possible.
2. Don’t be afraid to gossip. It is your responsibility to make sure your friends are well-informed about the latest happenings.
3. You may change your mind whenever you wish.
4. Never give a direct answer when a man asks you a question.
5. It is not wrong to withhold sex to get what you want.
6. Always ask a guy “What are you thinking?” after sex.
7. If he doesn’t call, take it as the most personal of insults.
8. Never believe “I love you” if it comes before sex.
9. Always wear matching bra and panties for the first few dates, then you can switch to the comfortable old plain white cotton once you have impressed him with the stylishness of your underwear.
10. ALWAYS say that he is the best you’ve ever had.
11. Fake orgasms when necessary.
12. Find a “cute giggle”. Practice it constantly.
13. Learn to toss your hair around, even if it’s short.
14. Never admit that you’re not a real blonde.
15. Shopping always makes you feel better.
16. When with a group of girls, it is customary to talk particularly about the girl who is not present.
17. Always try to set up your single female friends with your single male friends.
18. Never forget that men are pigs.
19. Jeans: the tighter the better.
20. The fact that you menstruate makes it okay to bitch as much as you want about anything you want.
21. Criticize every other woman behind her back.
22. Never reveal the full extent of your intelligence to a man.
23. Pretend that you can’t do certain “guy” things like change a flat tire. It’s even okay to claim that you can’t pump gasoline or check the oil. Helpless females make a guy feel macho.
24. If a guy really cares about you, he should be able to read your mind. You needn’t have to explain yourself, ever. And he should know what’s expected of him without you saying anything.
25. Be a tease.
26. Men always want to know how they compare to the last guy you were with. Always say “You’re not as well hung as my last boyfriend.”
27. Never dutch treat.
28. If he doesn’t spend money on you, don’t waste your time.
29. Guys like to see you flirt with their friends.
30. Develop a “cute butt” scale and use it to rate every guy’s butt that you see.
31. Never go to the ladies room alone, if you can help it.
32. Carry feminine hygiene products with you wherever you go, and don’t be shy about showing them to people.
33. Always announce to everyone when you are on the rag.
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