Friday Fun Stuff – 6-7-24

Mad Max: Out Of Gas

Did You Fart? – Dave Allen

Fun Practical Jokes to Play at Work

Having trouble getting through the workday without falling asleep at your desk? Here are a few pranks that are sure to liven up the cube farm.

(NOTE: Don’t be stupid enough to actually try any of the items below, or you’ll find yourself in jail, in the hospital, or, even worse, in the unemployment line!)

1. Change the settings in a coworker’s word processing software so that any instance of the letter “x” is auto-corrected to read “xxx.”
2. Introduce the new intern by a different name to each person he/she meets.
3. Tear a few graphic pages out of an adult magazine, slip them into an assistant’s large photocopying job.
4. Babble incoherently to a co-worker then ask, “Did you get all of that?”
5. TP the VP’s office…while he/she is in the room and on a conference call.
6. Post a fake memo on the office bulletin board announcing Friday as “You’re the Boss” Day, where all employees are to come into work dressed as a member of upper management.
7. Pass around a sheet of paper asking other staff members if they’ll sponsor a co-worker in a spelling bee for dyslexics.
8. Wander the halls, slapping your head repeatedly and mutter, “Will you please shut up?”
9. Wrap plastic wrap over the urinals in the executive washroom.
10. Turn off the receptionist’s ringer.
11. Pretend you work at a collection agency during your lunch hour. Call your imaginary clients and loudly threaten bodily injury if they don’t “pay up.”
12. Tape a piece of toilet paper to your shoe–the longer, the better–and do a few laps around the cube farm and through the cafeteria.

At My Age, I Don’t Care

An elderly lady on a cruise ship was standing at the railing and holding tight to her hat as the strong winds blew.

A crew member approached her and said, “Excuse me madam, your dress is being blown up by the wind.”

“Yes, I know”, she replied “but I need both hands to hold on to my hat, the winds are too strong.”

“But madam”, says the crewman, “you are not wearing anything under your dress, and your privates are exposed”.

The woman looked down and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 65 years old, I just bought this hat yesterday”.

Hints For Mom

• Cut off the crusts
• Remind the Tooth Fairy about inflation
• Buy only the best stain removers
• Ultimatums rarely work…though bribes do
• Remember: It’s just a phase
• Thirteen is way too late to put them up for adoption
• Donate pre-pregnancy jeans to charity…you’ll never fit in them again
• Just when you’ve got them all figured out, they’ll change
• You can only shoot just so much videotape
• Look what being a martyr got Joan of Arc
• You can never have too many Kleenex
• A little fast food never killed anyone
• Socks and underwear are not gifts
• Yes, they need all sixty-four Crayolas
• Tell Dad to share the toys and games
• Scotchguard everything
• Cookie dough is better than cookies
• With luck, they’ll call you once a week after they leave
• With more luck, they won’t call collect
• With a lotta luck, they’ll pay for their own therapy when grown

Only People Stutter

A teacher is explaining biology to her third-grade students. She says, “Human beings are the only creatures that stutter.”

A little girl raises her hand, saying, “l once had a kitty cat that stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

“Well,” she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty, and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew It, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”

The teacher exclaimed, “That must’ve been scary!”

The little girl said, “It sure was. My kitty raised her back, went ‘Sssss, Sssss, Sssss’. And before she could say ‘Shit,’ the Rottweiler ate her!”

The teacher had to leave the room.

Stupid Signs

• No keyboard detected press any key to continue
• “Eat here and get gas” – Sean at a service station
• “No children allowed” – In a maternity ward
• I’m not crazy my reality is just different than yours
• Soap pack said “Not Shampoo”
• By the time you finish reading this you will realize that you have wasted 5 seconds of your life

Well, It’s Not A Bad Name, But….

My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.

Top Morons Of The Year

WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.

WITH A LITTLE HELP:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, “Please come out and give yourself up.”

DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”

THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked at the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

Why Are You Staring At Me?

All throughout dinner my wife’s best friend’s four-year-old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her.

The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me.

Finally I asked her, “Why are you staring at me?”

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet, waiting for her response.

Finally, the little girl said “I’m just waiting to see how you drink like a fish.”

What Store Employees Say And What They Really Mean

1. “Can I help you get a size?”
(Don’t touch that, I just spent an hour folding it and I don’t need your hands messing it up again.)

2. “Do you need help with anything?”
(Quick, my manager is coming around the corner and I need to look busy.)

3. “Welcome to (Store Name Here)”
(Good, another customer to mess up my entire store just to buy a pair of socks.)

4. “Have a nice day!”
(Now that you ruined mine.)

5. “Thank you for shopping at (Store Name Here)”
(Thanks for emptying your wallet with us!)

6. “Do you need a shopping cart to help you carry your items?”
(The more you can carry, the more you can buy!)

7. “I love your shirt! Where did you get it?”
(Your shirt is much nicer than the clothes we sell here. Why are you even shopping here?)

8. “Can I help you get something down?”
(I’ll get a ladder and put it up for you since this other nice customer put it in the absolute wrong place.)

9. “Don’t worry about folding it, I can do it”
(You would just mess it up again if you folded it.)

10. “No, we don’t have any more in the back”
(I just don’t want to check.)

Why Resume’s Are B.S.

How to write “l changed a light bulb” on your resume?

Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and zero safety incidents.

I Knew They Were Leaving Stuff Out