Donald Duck & Chip n’ Dale: Have A Laugh
Top Ten Tips To Know If You Have PMS
10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
9. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
6. You’re using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, “How’s my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT.”
5. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
4. You’re convinced there’s a God and he’s male.
3. You’re counting down the days until menopause.
2. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
1. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
Women Vs. Men
New Relationship Book: “My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It’s titled: ‘Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.’”
New Women’s Study
There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.
85% of women think their ass has grown too big since getting married.
10% of women think their ass is just as big as it was when they got married.
The other 5% say that they don’t care, they love him and would have married him anyway.
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.
Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, “Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous…or what?”
“Not at all, Ma’am,” the manager replied. “It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut, and don’t pout when I yell at them.”
• I’m the life of the party…..even when it lasts until 8 p.m.
• I’m very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
• I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
• I’m good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, antacid.
• I’m the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
• I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
• I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a word you’re saying.
• I’m very good at telling stories…..over and over and over and over.
• I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
• I’m so cared for: long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
• I’m not grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians…
• I’m positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired.
• I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a secure place.
• I’m wrinkled, saggy, lumpy…..and that’s just my left leg.
• I’m having trouble remembering simple words like…..
• I’m now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.
• I’m realizing that aging is not for sissies!
• I’m anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti inflammatory…..
• I’m walking more to the bathroom and enjoying it less.
• I’m going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors: absolutely nothing!
• I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days.
• I’m in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD’s, IRA’S, AARP.
• I’m supporting all movements now…..by eating bran, prunes, and raisins.
• I’m a walking storeroom of facts…..I’ve just lost the storeroom.
Top Failed Technology Predictions
Throughout history man has been making predictions of the future. With the advent of technology, the predictions moved away from religious topics to scientific and technological. Unfortunately for the speakers, many of these failed predictions have been recorded for all future generations to laugh at. Here is a selection of some of the best.
1. “There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp. (DEC), maker of big business mainframe computers, arguing against the PC in 1977.
2. “We will never make a 32 bit operating system.” — Bill Gates
3. “Lee DeForest has said in many newspapers and over his signature that it would be possible to transmit the human voice across the Atlantic before many years. Based on these absurd and deliberately misleading statements, the misguided public … has been persuaded to purchase stock in his company …” — a U.S. District Attorney, prosecuting American inventor Lee DeForest for selling stock fraudulently through the mail for his Radio Telephone Company in 1913.
4. “There is practically no chance communications space satellites will be used to provide better telephone, telegraph, television, or radio service inside the United States.” — T. Craven, FCC Commissioner, in 1961 (the first commercial communications satellite went into service in 1965).
5. “To place a man in a multi-stage rocket and project him into the controlling gravitational field of the moon where the passengers can make scientific observations, perhaps land alive, and then return to earth – all that constitutes a wild dream worthy of Jules Verne. I am bold enough to say that such a man-made voyage will never occur regardless of all future advances.” — Lee DeForest, American radio pioneer and inventor of the vacuum tube, in 1926
6. “A rocket will never be able to leave the Earth’s atmosphere.” — New York Times, 1936.
7. “Flight by machines heavier than air is unpractical (sic) and insignificant, if not utterly impossible.” – Simon Newcomb; The Wright Brothers flew at Kittyhawk 18 months later.
8. “Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, British mathematician and physicist, president of the British Royal Society, 1895.
9. “There will never be a bigger plane built.” — A Boeing engineer, after the first flight of the 247, a twin engine plane that holds ten people
10. “Nuclear-powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality in 10 years.” -– Alex Lewyt, president of vacuum cleaner company Lewyt Corp., in the New York Times in 1955.
11. “This is the biggest fool thing we have ever done. The bomb will never go off, and I speak as an expert in explosives.” — Admiral William D. Leahy, Chief of Staff to the Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy during World War II, advising President Truman on the atomic bomb, 1945. Leahy admitted the error five years later in his memoirs
12. “The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation of these atoms is talking moonshine.” — Ernest Rutherford, shortly after splitting the atom for the first time.
13. “There is not the slightest indication that nuclear energy will ever be obtainable. It would mean that the atom would have to be shattered at will.” — Albert Einstein, 1932
14. “The cinema is little more than a fad. It’s canned drama. What audiences really want to see is flesh and blood on the stage.” -– Charlie Chaplin, actor, producer, director, and studio founder, 1916
15. “The horse is here to stay but the automobile is only a novelty – a fad.” — The president of the Michigan Savings Bank advising Henry Ford’s lawyer, Horace Rackham, not to invest in the Ford Motor Co., 1903
Kinds Of Sex
Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway sex
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say “scr@w you.”
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called Courtroom sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and scr@ws you in front of everyone.
And, last, but not least:
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.
PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN. I have enough problems of my own.
How To Get Thrown Out Of A Bowling Alley
1. Even if you miss totally–At the top of your lungs scream STEEEEEEEEERIKE
2. Bring a small gold idol, demand the other team pray to it.
3. Rent all the lanes, don’t bowl
4. Rent all the shoes, eat them
5. Blatantly underscore yourself, then accuse the other team of cheating
6. When an opponent is on his backswing, race up and take his ball, run home.
7. If your team is in the finals, throw nothing but gutter balls, blame plate tectonics
8. Trip EVERY member of the opposing team, trip your team, trip everyone
9. Wear a baseball uniform.
10. Super Glue Police Whistles to the hand-dryers…leave town
11. Walk around asking people why they are here, do this the whole night
12. Ask to use the house mic Say you want to make an announcement, expound on the sins of bowling
13. Name your ball something like “KILLER”, Openly boast to everyone how great you are, bowl terribly. Do this all night
14. Sit in your lane and heckle others with a Bull Horn.
15. Bring a dart gun…Be inventive.
16. Wrestle with your ball. (WWF Style) Ask someone to ref.
17. Run around sprinkling “MAGIC FAIRY DUST” on everyone’s balls. Tar works nice.
18. Sponsor a Really Big Open Bowl Night, Don’t even have a Entrance fee. Advertise it using Every Mass Media known to man, make the 3rd Prize: $10,000 and a Porsche 2nd Prize: $5,000 and a trip to Europe 1st Prize: A coffee mug Then sit back a watch the fights….. leave or cancel the whole thing.
19. Hand out Pamphlets on plate tectonics.
Stupid Sports Quotes
These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world.
Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, “Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye.”
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”
And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the ‘Skins say “I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said, “To win, I’d run over Joe’s mom too.”
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.”
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: “You guys line up alphabetically by height.” and “You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.”
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: “I play football. I’m not trying to be a professor. The tests don’t seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven’t been through in school.”
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: “That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my f@$&ing clothes.”
Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”
Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships: “I’ve won at every level, except college and pro.”
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.”
You Might Be A Redneck If…
1. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they’ve got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
2. You dated your daddy’s current wife in high school.
3. You’re moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing “I Will Always Love You”.
4. You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
5. Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
6. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it).
7. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
8. You’ve ever hit a deer with your car…deliberately.
9. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
10. Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
11. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
12. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
13. Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
14. During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
15. You’re a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
16. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
17. Your parakeet knows the phrase “Open up, Police!”
18. You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
19. In tough situations you ask yourself, “What would Curly do?”
20. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
Tactics Of Social Discourse
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.
You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
Suppose you’re at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you’re drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you’ll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date.
But if you drink several large shots of Jack Daniels, you’ll discover you have strong views about the Peruvian economy. You’ll be a wealth of information. You’ll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
Make things up
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that you are underpaid, and you’re damned if you’re going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. Don’t say: “I think Peruvians are underpaid.” Say: “The average Peruvian’s salary in 2009 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 below the mean gross poverty level.”
Note: Always make up exact figures.
If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make that up, too. Say: “This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon’s study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 2010. Didn’t you read it?” Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say “You left your soiled underwear in my bath house.”
Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases
Memorize this list:
- Let me put it this way
- In terms of
- Per se
- As it were
- So to speak
- well, any-who
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as “Q.E.D.,” “e.g.,” and “i.e.” These are all short for “I speak Latin, and you do not.”
Here’s how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say:
“Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don’t have enough money.”
You never win arguments talking like that. But you will win if you say: “Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D.”
Only a fool would challenge that statement.
Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:
- You’re begging the question.
- You’re being defensive.
- Don’t compare apples and oranges.
- What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what “parameters” means.
Here’s how to use your comebacks:
You say “As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873…”
Your opponents says “But Lincoln died in 1865.”
You say “You’re begging the question.”
You say “Liberians, like most Asians…”
Your opponents says “But Liberia is in Africa.”
You say “You’re being defensive.”
Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: “That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say” or “You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler.”
You may have seen the Tea Partiers use this tactic, I rest my case.
You now know how to out-argue anybody.
Warning: Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons.
Kinder, Gentler Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid
1. As smart as bait
2. Chimney’s clogged
3. Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash
4. Doesn’t know much but leads the league in nostril hair
5. Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor
6. Forgot to pay his brain bill
7. Her sewing machine’s out of thread
8. His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels
9. His belt doesn’t go through all the loops
10. If he had another brain it would be lonely
11. Missing a few buttons on his remote control
12. No grain in the silo
13. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse
14. Receiver is off the hook
15. Several nuts short of a full pouch
16. Skylight leaks a little
17. Slinky’s kinked
18. Surfing in Nebraska
19. Too much yardage between the goal posts