Eddie Murphy’s First Appearance on “The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson”
Damn Dog Stole My Sled!
Top Ten Rejected Valentine’s Day Cards
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk,
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow,
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine’s card at the store,
In hopes that, later, you’d be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right,
I just wish it wasn’t $250 a night.
6. You’re a woman of style, you’re a woman of class,
Especially when I’m spanking, your big-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished,
But now I’m fulfilled, SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!
4. Through all the things that came to pass,
Our love has grown, but so has your ass!
3. You’re a honey, and you’re a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo’s “booty”.
2. I don’t wanna be sappy or silly or corny,
So, right to the point, let’s do it, I’m horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
”Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” Albert Einstein
”When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.” Unknown
”The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?”” Freud
”Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late.” Unknown
”I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.” David Bissonette
”Do not marry a man to reform him. That is what reform schools are for.” Mae West
”Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.” Ambrose Bierce
”Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.” Oscar Wilde
”A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.” Zsa Zsa Gabor
”The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” Henry Youngman
10 Dating Tips By Way Of Hollywood
1. People Who Hate Each Other on Sight Usually End Up Falling in Love (“The Way We Were,” “Titanic,” most Astaire/Rogers movies). Actually, people who hate each other when they first meet usually work very hard to avoid each other in the future. And if you ever really tried the sort of things Hollywood calls “meeting cute” – mixed-up luggage, mistaken identities, fender-benders – you wouldn’t end up at a table for two, but in court.
2. If the Person Isn’t Interested – Or Loses Interest – Pursue Them Twice as Hard (see above). Screenwriters must love this one – scenes of rejected suitors (chiefly men) showing up with picket signs, camping outside suburban homes with boom boxes or lying in wait by office buildings are in everything from silent comedies to “Say Anything.” In Hollywood, this dedication marks you as a sensitive soul and often results in true love. In real life, of course, it marks you as a stalker and usually results in a restraining order.
3. If You’re a Man, Try Pretending You’re Gay – Women Will Become Instantly Intrigued (“A Very Special Favor,” “Three to Tango”). No, not really. They may, however, quiz you on the latest Hollywood gossip, beg for exfoliating tips or ask if those tangerine capris make their butts look big. No, tell the truth. Do they, really?
4. If You’re Gay, Don’t Worry About Approaching That Straight Person -He/She Is Latently Gay Anyway, and Will End Up Thanking You (“Bedrooms and Hallways,” “Claire of the Moon,” almost any other indie movie). No, not really. They may, however, end up turning red, pouring their drink in your lap or punching you in the nose.
5. Looks Are Unimportant to Most Women, As Long as You’re Funny (“The Graduate,” “The Tao of Steve”). A firmly cherished belief, particularly among lumpy studio executives who think they get all those dates because they’re charming. Somewhat true in real life, although it should be pointed out that Woody Allen is not just funny, but very funny – and also, conveniently, rich.
6. Looks Are Unimportant to Most Men, as Long as You’ve Got a Good Personality (“Frankie and Johnny,” “The Truth About Cats and Dogs”). Actually, even Hollywood doesn’t really believe this – they know they’re shallow. Which is why, although the homely guys in their movies are always played by homely guys, the plain gals are always played by really attractive women in sloppy clothes. And a polyester waitress uniform still didn’t make Michelle Phiffer any less gorgeous.
7. Upper-class Gentlemen Are Secretly Attracted to Real, Working-Class Gals Who Show Them How to Have Fun (“Pretty Woman,” “Working Girl”). Undoubtedly true if that gentleman is 103 and the real, working-class gal is Anna Nicole Smith. But, unfortunately, nothing to count on – unless you look the way Anna Nicole Smith used to and really want to date 103-year-old men.
8. Upper-class Ladies Are Secretly Attracted to Real, Working-Class Guys Who Show Them “What It Means to Be a Woman” (“Woman of the Year,” “How Stella Got Her Groove Back”). Possibly true for brief periods of time, particularly if it’s the last night of her Jamaican getaway, and you’re a tight young hard body. But just because it worked for Taye Diggs doesn’t mean it’s going to work for you.
9. Breakups Are Inevitable But Can Usually Be Resolved by Chasing the Other Person Down the Street or Embarrassing Them at Work (“Love With the Proper Stranger,” “An Officer and a Gentleman,” “Love Jones”). Actually, that’s more likely to result in another one of those restraining orders. See Lie No. 2.
10. On the Rare Chance You Really Break Up, When You Finally Part for Good – Or Meet Again Later – You’ll Share a Significant, Bittersweet Moment (“The Way We Were,” “Now, Voyager,” “Casablanca”). Extremely doubtful, really, compared to the chance that you’ll share a few flung insults, or dishes. As a highly impressionable film fan, though, there’s an excellent chance you will trudge home in a foul mood, open up a pint of ale or ice cream and watch more movies – and wonder, once again, why your love life can’t match them quite so neatly.
How To Annoy People At The Computer Lab
Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different monitor than the one it’s set up with.
Bring a chainsaw, but don’t use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say “Just in case…” mysteriously.
Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray “Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,” and scream “YES!” when it finishes.
If you’re sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” whenever there is processing time required.
Light candles in a circle around your terminal before starting.
Play “Pong” for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn’t work.
Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
Stare at the person’s next to yours, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say “You did that?” loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
Air Traffic Control…Southern Style
Atlanta ATC: “Tower to Saudi Air 911 You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R.”
Saudi Air: “Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel’s runway 9R – Allah be Praised”
Atlanta ATC “Tower to Iran Air 515 — You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R.”
Iran Air: “Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel’s runway 9R. Allah is Great”
Saudi Air: “ATLANTA ATC – ATLANTA ATC”
Atlanta ATC: “Go ahead Saudi Air 911?”
Saudi Air: “YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE.
Atlanta ATC: Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y’all be careful now and tell Allah “hey” for us — ya hear?
Answers That Are Too Logical
Q. In which battle did Napoleon die?
A. His last battle.
Q. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
A. At the bottom of the page.
Q. River Ravi flows in which state?
Q. What is the main reason for divorce?
Q. What is the main reason for failure?
Q. What can you never eat for breakfast?
A. Lunch & dinner.
Q. What looks like half an apple?
A. The other half.
Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will simply become wet.
Q. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
A. No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.
Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.
Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are hard to crack.
A Nun At Hooters
Believe it or not this one is actually clean.
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation, and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’ Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
When the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’
‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
The nun went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me, just because I went to the restroom?’
‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender. ‘Would you like a drink?’
‘No, thank you. But I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.
‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?!
Male Or female
Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are also an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
An hourglass is female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
I’ve heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children’s-oriented iPod after realizing that “iTouch Kids” is not a good product name.